Why does family dysfunction have to boil up at the worst of times?

I cannot remember a time when I have been so angry! My Dad passed away on the 24th and his funeral service was held on the 26th but I am not mad about that. I am strangely at peace with that, more oratories will come later on that subject. I am mad at my Brother! I attended the funeral services in Ohio, got back home on the 28th, and went to watch the sunrise on the 29th. When I left in the morning it was very foggy and damp and just kind of icky, but I really needed the meditative and recuperative powers of watching the sunrise to help me work through my anger. For those of you who know me you know I am not an angry person so for me to be angry is a rare thing and I do not like the way it makes me feel – AT ALL! When I get upset I work it out and move on and rarely does it ever get raised to the level of anger at all, I have learned it is easier to diffuse it then to let it in to fester. Once anger is let in, it sits there like a cancerous tumor, eating away at the soul. Forgiveness is the only tool I have found that is capable of removing the cancer, and it has to be used like a well schooled surgeon might wield the latest and greatest laser scalpel. For me, the serene solitude of watching the sunrise on the beach is my laser scalpel and I was determined to perform the operation. I was ready to cut the anger out by figuring out how to forgive my brother for his actions, and inactions, now and during the time following my Mom’s death.


After much contemplation today, I have figured out that I am not so much mad at him for his actions but more for how he treated my Sister, during Dad’s death now and 221 days early when Mom died. I was really looking forward to the beach but when I arrived it was cold (76), damp, foggy and colorless, it was the perfect metaphor for how I was feeling – colorless. I stayed on through the morning and all the way past when I knew the sun came up and still nothing but gray clouds, it was miserable and I left. On my way home, the sun never did come out, perfect, I remember thinking the day would mirror my mood and it did all day long. I talked with Bride and I talked with Niece, it helped but I still had this boiling anger that I could not seem to extinguish. I took a nap in an attempt to escape the misery of having to think about it, that proved nothing more than a fitful period and I got back up. Later in the day I felt like having hot dogs, that is not something I want often. I went to the store and picked up some dogs, buns an onion and sweet coleslaw and fired the grill. The dogs were good but there was no respite from the pain I was enduring. Later still, I thought I might go at least try to glimpse the sun going down on the river. Bride and I got coffees and off we went, as we pulled up we got about 2 minutes of seeing a bit of color and the sun. It made me feel better immediately, not healed but at least able to see the path. That little splash of color, in an otherwise colorless day was very helpful for my mood.


My sister, by default, has had to deal with end of life issues for both my parents. She has been dealing with Dad longer than she did Mom but both needed assistance for the last years of their lives. A lot of work, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. Her and I have talked about this and when I left 26 years ago to start my life outside of Ohio I had no idea what I was leaving her with. I had no idea, at that time, what my decision would mean for our family all these years later. She is a Saint, when Mom died, I wrote an oratory to that effect as well. http://mroatmealsoratories.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-believe-my-sister-is-keeping-secret.html  My Sister and I were at Kiser Lake State park when my Brother called, we had spent a few hours there talking about our parents and our weird childhood. I was also taking some pictures of the trees before all the leaves fell off. The conversation with him lasted about 4 minutes and it is the first time in my life I heard my sister drop the F Bomb, I was furious that he had pushed her to that point – NOT fair! In a way, I wish my brother would have been able to just bow down and say “thank you” to my sister for dealing with ALL the things she has dealt with over the last 5 years with Dad. But NO, instead he tells her that “maybe if I had a better relationship with Dad I might try harder to make it.” when she was trying to convince him to attend. They had moved the service time up about an hour, some last minute issue with the preacher and the gravediggers. I am not sure what the issue was but NO ONE else had any problem with the one-hour time change, no one except my Brother. As I listened to the conversation I was struck by his last words, “well you can tell the preacher and the gravediggers to go “F*&K” themselves”, nice I remember thinking.


When our Mom passed her wishes were to not have a service right away, and since she had a husband who was following those wishes, there was no sanctioned service. My brother felt strongly enough to make the trip to the town Mom lived and have a service, because he needed it. Fine with me, but it seemed to somehow turn ugly in the process and it took its emotional toll on both me and my sister. Well when our Dad died, we had a service and somehow the process, for him, turned ugly again. I have pondered it and spent hours contemplating about what he may have been thinking when he said what he said and did what he did. I came up with nothing - I cannot figure it out. What I do know is that on both occasions my brother made it about him and his needs and wants and not about our parents. I think what really has me mad is the fact that I allowed him to highjack the loss of both of our parents. For me, he made it about dealing with him and the petty crap that swirls around him instead of spending some quality time with family remembering and honoring our parents. I am not sure how I let that happen but it did and I am angry about it.


I know the answer is forgiveness, it is so easy to say and yet truly forgiving is one of life’s largest struggles. Bitterness, anger, resentment, unchecked rage and animosity are the tools of evil and I liken them to the dark side, in the Star Wars movies. If they are allowed to seep in, they make you feel powerful and strong but they are like acid that will eventually erode the person you are. It will turn a person into someone who is unrecognizable, when compared to their previous self. I have seen this happen to others and have vowed to never let life turn me to the dark side. I know I will resolve this anger and eventually forgive my Brother but this has been the biggest struggle of this kind in my life and I see that it will take some time. I look forward to the day because then I will be able to properly mourn the passing of my Mom and Dad, 221 days apart from each other. I know the time is coming, I felt the spark when I saw the sun going down this evening. This issue will soon be no more than a memory, etched in my mind, just like the moment of sun I saw at sunset tonight.