I am an IDIOT

So, as you know I have changed jobs, a change that has taken me from our home in Jacksonville Florida to Portland Oregon.  We lived in Jacksonville for over 24 years and it was not an easy decision to make the change.  What you may not know is that I am here in Portland and Bride is still back in Jacksonville. When this opportunity first presented itself we talked about it and how we would transition from life in Jacksonville to life in Portland.  We were thinking about it at that time from a very practical perspective.  In hind sight, this is where my idiocy really started to shine right through.   I suppose in life hind sight is always very clear 20/20.  But we can always change plans to overcome our idiocy. 

When the offer was made and accepted Bride and I quickly made a few decisions that I would not make over again, if given the choice.  The primary one being that she would stay behind while the house sold and that I would go ahead to Portland to a furnished apartment.  I believe that was one of the first decisions we made.  That set into motion a number of things that were not easily undone.  Rent on my place, movers and on and on.  Now I find myself here in Portland missing my Honey and my Honey back in Jacksonville missing me.  We already had a ticket for her trip out in February before I left, she will be here in a couple a weeks.

So we have not really been apart much since I got out of the Navy.  We have completed 189 days apart before, and that was before the internet and Skype and before it was reasonable for normal folks to have a cell phone.  I can tell ya this, the being apart part is the primary reason I got out.  We have always had great relationship but after a long cruise it becomes very difficult.  I think since 1993 the longest we have been apart is 2 and half weeks, when she was in Texas without me. 

I will tell you a funny story from the last cruise I went on, one in which we still laugh about from time to time when we are apart.   This was towards the end of the cruise and we pulled into someplace in Sicily, I can’t remember the port.  Normally I would find a hotel to call home from, nice surroundings, inside, generally quiet.  Well as you know most hotel lobbies had phones that were off to side generally in the vicinity of the restrooms.   I believe I had had the mid watch that morning and was super tired and just wanted to talk to my Honey and then go back to the ship and hit the rack. 

So I find a nice hotel and a phone and call her up.  I forget the time difference but she was at work when she should have been home.  She was working her ass off at that time, tons of hours.  Anyway, we talk for a 10-15 minutes and I tell her I love her, hang up and head back to the ship.  Normal call, normal check in and I got to hear her voice, all was good – at least I thought it was.  We pulled out the next day and about 6 or 7 days later we got a mail call from the carrier.  I get a letter, yippee.  We wrote hundreds of letters to each other on that cruise.  I wrote at least one per day, all long hand as this was before email. 

So it starts out crazy talking.  She is selling the house, going back to Texas and we can have an amicable divorce.  WTFO, is what I thought!  I have no idea what is going on.  I remember getting the MARS sparked off to get a call to her.  MARS was a network of HAM radio operators who would patch calls from ships onto the phone system back home.  You had to conduct the conversations as you would on the radio so the operator knew when to key up.  It was not a full duplex operation as we have with a normal phone.  It could be compared to talking on a walkie talkie.  Anyway, come to find out she had heard some women laughing and giggling on our call and they were dubbed my 40 laughing Italian sluts and I could go live my life with them.  Now I did not even notice people, let alone girls, coming and going to the restrooms.  I also did not think this was a good time to remind her they would have been Sicilian sluts had they been actual people.  We got it worked out J

Back to the present, I am here, she is there and neither one of us like it much.  I am staying in a small place that is more like a berthing on the ship than our home.  We also packed up the majority of our house before I left, we have 4 rooms that are basically empty and the others have been stripped to only essential items.  Even silverware for her is limited to 4 sets.  We both realize that this was a mistake.  We also realize that it is within our control to change.  Our primary reason for this hair brained idea of being apart was that we did not want to leave our house empty while it sold.  Now that we have weighed that out a bit more we have decided while that is important it is not as important as being together. 

I had lost track of how well we operate as a team.  I suppose it was due to the fact it works so well I may have taken it for granted a bit.  I miss her right now so much it hurts.  I have left her out there to deal with that end of things all by herself.  Again, back to the team thing – we each have our strengths and weaknesses.  I hate that this ended up like this!  When she comes in February we are going to make that a house hunting trip.  We are looking to rent a house for a year or so to better get the lay of the land before we buy.  Then we are coordinating with the movers to get on the schedule with a mid-march move out here for her and all our stuff.  We both have a lot of things to get done, and again we are doing them by ourselves.  We are drilling down on it now but we are still looking at better than a month before we are living under the same roof again.

In my younger days I  have used the words *^%@*# whipped before for guys who were this in love with their wives.  That was before I understood what it was like to be so in love with someone that all you wanted to do was be with them, regardless the situation.   Sandy Smith is the single best thing that has come into my life and I just could not imagine where I would be without her.  She is my inspiration, she is the reason I do most of the things I do.  I say most because I still do some dumb shit she still does not approve of, but she tolerates it and that is part of the reason I love her.  She has never tried to change me, she just accepts me in all my weirdness.  I have on occasion attempted to change her, and she tolerated that as well.  She loves me and I love her! 

It feels a little hollow for me here, I really love my job but the reason I have it is not here to share these first experiences with me and that makes me sad.  I know we will be sharing our lives here but the many firsts for me are not able to be shared.  Not in a meaningful way anyway.  I mean we skype a few times a day but nothing replaces sitting across or beside each other recapping our days.  I miss her touch, we always hold hands when walking around.   I miss everything that is Sandy Smith and I cannot wait for her to get here!  I love her and I miss her and miss all the silly little idiosyncratic behaviors we share.

I LOVE YOU SANDY SMITH!!