Forgiveness – it is what we all need. It is the miracle that fixes the broken, cleans the dirty, purges the anger and puts the soul at ease.

I went out to watch the sunrise yesterday morning and there it was, the bit of color I was looking for in an otherwise gray day. It was magnificent in its fleeting beauty. Once the sun actually came up it quickly went back into the cloud cover but the 45 minutes leading up to the sunrise was grand. I pondered on love, compassion and empathy during this splendid, albeit short, light show. After leaving the beach, the sun had gone back into the clouds and we were back to overcast. On the drive home, I stopped and got another cup of coffee and planned what I wanted to get accomplished. When I got home, I just wanted to get another shower and take a nap. I have taken six showers in the last two days, maybe a futile attempt to wash off this anger, it was not working but the hot water made me feel a little better as I was starting to get the sniffles. I jumped back in bed and caught about an hour nap. After getting up I took another shower and went with Bride to a Doctor appointment. After that, we went and had Mexican for lunch, yummy! When we got home, we sat around just BS’ing about Dad and then I decided I would go run some errands.

Later in the day I went out to get some Theraflu, I was taking it after the airplane ride, kind of a preventative measure against cough due to cold. Seems silly I know but I am weird so to me it does not seem so strange. So there I stand, comparing the Theraflu Brand with the Tylenol brand and those with the store brand, they all seem the same to me, same exact ingredients, same exact packaging and I bet they are all made by in the same factory. Anyway, I am reading the boxes and notice that I should not be taking this medication if I am pregnant or breast feeding, good to know information I thought. If either of those were to happen, this oratory would be quite different indeed. I also notice that it was not recommended that I operate heavy machinery, like that would be an option for 99.9% of the people taking this stuff – what a dumb thing to add to the warnings. There was also a list of reasons I should stop taking this medication as well, things like my pain, cough or nasal congestion gets worse. So there are a list of symptoms that are temporarily relieved, temporarily because eventually your body will take over and fight off whatever it might be that has you taking this stuff in the first place.

That got me to thinking, my current anger troubles are not any different than a possible cough due to cold. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a powder that could be dissolved in warm water that would take away the bitter feelings I was experiencing? Maybe I should not be taking this cold medication, maybe if I were to let the cold run its course I would not have a tolerance to the medication and my body might build up an immunity. Hummmmmm, I remember thinking. I got to thinking that maybe I wanted to be angry for a while and that might be why it was still with me. Maybe the anger I am feeling should not be alleviated with some quick and easy remedy. Maybe it should be experienced fully and understood for what it is and more importantly, what it could do to me if left unchecked.

I realized, standing there in the Walgreens, that like a cold, my anger is a temporary thing, it had a beginning, it had a middle and it will have an end, after which I would feel better. If we take a quick fix remedy for our illnesses maybe it takes away our need to experience the feelings. If we do not experience deeply the feelings that are the cause of our pain, how will our minds ever be able to build up the coping skills for the next time a tough situation presents itself? It was weird, standing there with a box of Theraflu in my hand, for over 5 minutes, is when the anger totally left me. It literally felt like a weight being lifted off my heart. I, at that moment, was able to forgive and let the poison out. I remember feeling so relieved and overcome with happiness and joy. As I left the Walgreens I stepped into the sunshine, it was the first time I had seen it since the morning and there were blue skies. Wow what a sign that my anger was over. Trust me there are still issues there that need to be resolved but the bitterness and anger were gone and boy did I feel better.

I am not sure what all the issues are between my Brother and I. One of the problems is a lack of communications skills, on both our parts I think. When we were growing up my Mom was very passive aggressive in the way she communicated and Dad was not an engaging conversationalist so learning communications skills at home was problematic at best. Of course, we did not realize that at the time so it all seemed normal, until we got old enough to know what was going on but by then the damage was done. Anyway, I have built this wall of silence between my brother and I, when you couple that monstrous wall with poor basic communication skills it is easy to see how we wound up where we are. As I watched the surf coming in this morning, I got to ponderin – have we let the waves wash up and reshape the beach too long? Has the constant pounding of the surf eroded any hope of repairing what was? Maybe that is part of our problem, he and I, that we are trying to fix something that is irreparable. Maybe it would be best to just put what we have down. Maybe we need to start from scratch, in a new relationship. Maybe the winds of time have produced a different landscape that will no longer support our previous relationship, but something can grow there, things can grow anywhere if given the proper nutrients.

As we walk the path of life we stop along the way, we pick things up and later, we either put them back down or we carry them with us, in our pockets. Some things are wonderfully glorious, like a positive outlook, cheerful disposition, loving kindness. Those are the ones we put in our pocket, they are keepers, cherished valuables that are with us for the whole trip. Other things we might pick up are anger, greed, resentment or bitterness. We must pick these things up on our journey but no one can make us carry them very far, no one except ourselves. We have to put them down after a time though, we must or we risk having our trip cut short. Those things will wear out our shoes (soul) before the trip is over and I cannot imagine a worse fate. I do not live my Brother’s life, I have no idea what pressures he has to deal with, what issues he may face on a daily basis. I do not know why he could not attend Dad’s funeral and ya know what, who am I, to judge his actions. I realized something else this morning, he was not who needed forgiveness, I was.

The sunrise this morning was GLORIOUS! Not a cloud in the sky, nothing but blue skies as I say to my sister when it snows in Ohio. I am so joyous that the color and happiness has returned to my days.