Disappointed in myself

Yesterday a friend of mine lost his wife and life partner of 44 years – I learned about it via an email.  That email contained 18 words to sum it up, it was startlingly bleak.  She has not been well for some time and I do not feel I have been as good a friend as I needed to be for him.  Another friend is going through a divorce and I do not feel I have been as good a friend as I needed to be for him either.   Another friend, I also found out today, has been struggling with the decision to put his Mom in Hospice care, which he did over the weekend.  I do not feel I have been as good a friend as I needed to be for him either.  Even in my own life, I am disappointed in myself.  I have not been doing a lot of the things that I like to do as often as I need to be doing them.   It is funny how when we look at each day as it passes; everything seems the same as the day before.  That is until we garner some perspective with the passage of time.  THEN, when I look back, I think to myself – how the fuck did I get here!

I can attribute these disappointments to not having found the new balance yet in my life after some changes in my work world.  I had found the balancing sweet spot with my old job long ago, although I can’t remember how long that took as I had that job for about 5 years.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the new job – it is the hardest thing I have ever done!  I have learned more in the last year than I dreamt even possible.  Mainly because I thought I was a pretty smart dude, but I was reminded no matter how smart we think we are – there is always more to learn – and not necessarily book learning!  That was a great thing to be reminded of!  That might be at the root of my balance issue.  It might be that I have immersed myself into the learning for the new job way too much.  Not a completely bad thing because all learning is good BUT like all things in life, there has to be a balance.

Today was a light bulb over the head moment for me!  I have neglected my personal life, unknowingly set aside my personal goals and ambitions, all in an attempt to keep up with the super hectic pace of work and the new JOB.  As of today - I am going to strive to restore the balance in my life; I have to for my own freaking sanity.  Not that I can slack off on the work side, we are involved in a very important project that requires a lot of attention but I must find the balance.  If I don’t, my worse fear may be realized - I could be creating a life I don’t really want to be living.  In hindsight it seems like I have been lying to myself, creating my own bullshit reasons for my behavior – I need to purge the words “can’t” and “don’t have time” from my vocabulary with regards to the balance of my personal life. 

I have not been as engaged a partner for the Bride – even when I am home hanging with her or out to dinner, my mind wanders back to construction schedules, budgets, staffing levels, timeline, concerns of our partners, did we miss some functionality here or there.  It is like my brain is on a demented merry go round, spinning faster and faster with the centrifugal force incrementing up exponentially.  It is a freakish ride that I need to get the hell off of somehow!   I feel that I have been so unfair to Bride through this, not giving my best friend all of my attention when she needs it from me, or when I need that from her as well.  She is the most tolerant and understanding life partner a man could ask for, I love her and have no idea how bad my life would have turned out without her.

I have not been to a park in WAY to long!  I have not spent as much time tinkering with the Jalopy or the Girl Jalopy.  I can’t even remember the last time I made any sawdust or sparks from the welder.  I have not taken Bride for a long walk on the beach or even drug her out of bed for a sunrise in WAY too long.   I need to resume all of my hobbies, they are what have kept me distracted from work, they were the levers I used to maintain that balance – allowing my mind to focus on the simple things in life.  It seems I have only playing with about 8 Crayola’s, I need to figure out how to get back to the big 64 box with the built in sharpener – life is always better with crayons and a built in sharpener. 

It is hard to find one axiom within Buddhism that gets right to the point quite like the concept of non-attachment.  Attachment, to anything, is the origin and root of suffering, which is what causes so many of the problems we face in the living of our daily world.  Growth is painful, change is painful, we get all attached to the way things were – but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t want to be, which is where I find myself.   Life is so ironic, it takes sadness to know true happiness, it noise to appreciate the silence and it takes absence to value presence – I smile just thinking about how cruel that irony can be.  I need to get that straight in my head again!  One thing about life, it will always be tripping us up, I think it is a protection mechanism.  Maybe a gentle reminder that maybe we need to see what we stumbled over to truly get clarity of purpose reestablished.

I hear folks say, “Ya only live once” to which I say BULLSHIT!  You live every day, you only die once!  I have heard, and experienced this, the best cure for anything is a good belly laugh and long nap – so tell me a funny damn joke and tuck me in!  To all those I have been absent for, I am truly sorry and hope you are able to forgive me. 

Sunrise is a very special time for me. It is a way for me to relax and restore my senses.

I have watched the sunrise in many places, in this country and many other countries as well as the middle of the Atlantic, Pacific, the Med, the Indian and even the Persian Gulf.  I love it anywhere but next to ocean will always be my favorite.   It has an effect on all of my senses.

Sight - by arriving at the beach when it is still dark one is able to watch the entirety of the show that happens every morning, no matter where you are.  The sight includes peripheral vision, edge to edge and as far as we can see, which I seem to remember is about 12-14 miles when sitting on the ground.  Some days there is so much magnificence in the view that I am brought to tears, it is a visual delight.

Sound - when I walk out onto the beach the sounds of the world start to fade, literally and figuratively.  The sounds of air conditioners, cars, ambulances and all the rest fade down as the sound of the surf and seagulls fades up.  Surf and seagulls are the original white noise, the never ending drum of the waves crashing and birds fighting over food create an environment that is devoid of anger, turmoil or stress of any kind.

Smell – I love the smell of the ocean, from the very first time I saw it in Atlantic City back in the early 70’s with my Mom.  I loved it the whole 10 years I served in the US Navy, although I remember the port at Dakar Senegal had a rather unique odoriferous emanation.   The smell of the salt air is just an amazingly refreshing thing, it is almost impossible to describe.   

Touch - I love walking off the asphalt and cement, leaving the hard, inflexible and immovable right into the soft, nonconforming always moving.  Small changes in latitude make such a huge difference in attitude.  Tere is just not much better than sand between the toes!  Some days when the wind is blowing, feeling the sand and salt on your face is cool.

Taste – seems silly to think of taste when talking about the sunrise or the beach.  Well, there is a taste, a taste of the air, the hint of salt as you breathe.  There is also the taste of salt as you lick your lips.  It is a total sensory experience for me and I wish everyone could feel the way I do when I watch it. 

And the sixth sense, whatever you want to call it - me I like soul – It is a very cleansing experience for me, flushing out the bad and pulling in the good.  I know that sounds simplistic but that is how I live my life – distance from the bad, of any sort, and draw in the good – simple and it works for me.  I find a certain peace in the solitude of my old plastic purple lawn chair while sitting out there.  I have made some great friends out there as well.  Every time I walk away, whatever trouble I may be dealing with seems so insignificant and unimportant after watching the total majesty of a sunrise.

So that my friend is why I go to watch the sunrise on the beach J