I am fat, I have figured out why and what needs done to correct that issue

So I am not sure how life works sometimes, a couple of years ago I started a new way of eating to lose some weight. When my Dad passed away all that went out the window, I had lost over 50 pounds over about 11 months. I knew when I was losing the weight that the harder part was going to be to maintain it after I hit my target weight. Well that sure proved to be true, I have gained all the weight back and still cannot for the life of me understand why I did that. I remember thinking during that weight loss that there would be no way I would throw away all that work, yet that is exactly what I did. I was mad about that but that was not really a productive outlet. I had already gained the weight back so why spend time beating myself up about that, I was fat again and I needed to just deal with it. So, that is where I am, rededicating myself to getting healthier.

So I also have some theories about why I got and why I am fat. There is a perfectly acceptable and scientific explanation of why myself and many others are gaining weight. If one were to believe the commercials that are hocking all manner of weight loss medications it could never have been our fault, it is the stress at work, our older and slower metabolism and a mess of other reasons, none of which are our fault. Well my tack is more scientific and has less to do with any specific medication. Despite my poor eating choices my weight gain is not my fault, clearly there are forces working against me. The blame obviously lands on the very universe we live in, yep, I said it - the fault lies in the cosmos. Here me out on this, this is high tech, scientific shit I am getting ready lay on ya …………

I have found, through extensive research, that 40,000 tons of space dust land on earth every day. I bet you are saying, so what? Well, let me tell ya why that is the answer to our lack of will power and subsequent obesity. With an additional 40 tons of space dust adding to the already hefty weight of the earth, (6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (6E+24) kilograms to be exact) the mass of the planet is increasing each day. Well, we all know happens when you increase the mass of an object. When mass increases so does the gravity that is created by that object. So we are all getting pulled down harder towards the center of mass of the planet, pulled down harder on the scales we use to measure our weight. I could go into the calculations here but I am pretty sure (99.9776458764% accurate) that over the last few years that dust accumulation has increased exponentially. Does it seem like there is more dust everywhere, at your work place, in your home and car and even in the pool filter. I am telling ya, we are getting fatter and heavier because the very planet we reside on is working to slowly crush us by increasing its gravity.

So what is the answer to us picking up this space debris, well I think we need to start blasting off the earth, 50 tons of trash every day. I mean we have all heard the concerns about landfills, why not throw it away in the biggest landfill around. I am not sure why we would not continue our short sighted approach to large problems, I mean how many generations do you think it will take before we fill up space with junk? With the ejection of more weight from the planet than is dropping on it will eventually reduce the gravity of the planet. With less gravity pulling us down we will all begin to lose weight. Seems simple to me, let’s start building those damn rockets.

I think we also need to look at the ever expanding universe as well, I mean it has to have some effect here. If everything in the universe is traveling away from everything else at an increasing speed, which is a theory I do not buy into by the way, how could that not have an effect on the specific gravity of the planet earth. I mean our solar system is but a spec, nothing more than a grain of sand on the cosmic beach called the Milky Way. There are forces afoot that are beyond our comprehension or control, there has to be an adverse effect out there somewhere, in some way, impacting my ability to lose weight, all this time I thought the stars were beautiful, until now when I realize those damn things are at fault for my fat ass – damn them anyway!

There is one other option, we could start building antigravity machines, again it seems so simple to me. If we were able to construct large scale antigravity machines we could reverse our obesity in no time. I have pondered the implementation of such a system and the challenges will be great. There are lots of issues, including a power source for such a massive machine, or groups of massive machines. I was thinking that we might start out smaller scale, units large enough for a medium sized city. I mean we have built machines that take single protons, all spinning randomly, catches them in a strong magnetic field, and lines them up, blasts them with a short, precisely tuned bursts of radio waves in order to get them to flip around and thereby creating a brief radio signature that can measured and some hot rod software can then create a picture of our innards (they call them MRI machines) a simple antigravity device will be child’s play for the smart folks who build big fancy machines.

Well, all of that aside I think I will just start eating better and exercising more, that is the only real way to stay fit and prepare ourselves for older age.