what Mothers day means after you lose your Mother

Yesterday was the first Mothers day I have spent with no Mother and I am not sure how I feel about that. For my family, you know, but for others - I am NOT a person who remembers important days or one that will send cards on those days, I might not even call on them - I am just not and I am betting I never will be that person. Hate me if you must but it seems to me that cards and mini celebrations seem phony to me, why do we need a special day to show our feelings for each other. Hallmark has a lot to do with it, that and our consumerist market driven society but that is not the point of today’s pontification. My first Mother’s Day without Mom has helped me too better understand my own grief and in a weird way it has helped wear the edge off of her recent passing. I have come to grips that my options have been limited, whether Mom and me were OK or arguing about this or that or not talking at all, I always had the option to call if I wanted to, now that option is gone.

I spent the last two days at the beach watching the sunrise. It is a magnificent event – it is a large-scale, grand and splendidly beautiful thing that is unrivaled and it is just one of the most incredible things. I spent a lot of time thinking about Mom. I cried out loud on the beach remembering Mom and all the moments in time we shared. I did not feel like I was crying about losing or missing her as much as it was about remembering her because I found myself crying and laughing at the same time. My Mom was the best, no matter what she “Always” put up with my shit, and I am here to tell you I was and am still full of that. I was a hellion as a child and I caused her no end of grief, forcing her once to paddle me in church on a Sunday morning but she was able to let it go and we were able to have a great Sunday afternoon at Kiser lake, with a stop at Middleton’s for those who remember that place. Looking back at my early childhood I realize she was “Shielding” me from the adversities of life, she wanted me to have a great childhood and not have the burdens of life interfere with that. No matter how bad those adversities may have been, I remember pitching tents in the kitchen around the gas stove to keep warm because we had run out of heating oil. She made even that adversity, one that we could have died of hypothermia from, a fun adventure.

Mom had a hard shell but she was there for me in my early adulthood when I really needed some “Help” and I am not sure how that situation would have turned out without that help. She had a unique ability to separate any anger she had toward me, there were times I made her so mad she could just spit and did, and her ability to still “Love” me, no matter what crazy thing I had done because I was her son – it amazed me. I do not think I took the opportunity to tell her thank you enough for “Everything” she taught me, through both good and bad example. It was probably about a 50-50 split but I learned a lot and that is the foundation my life is built upon. Mostly when I was younger I learned about things like, share your toys with your friends, play nice and more importantly play fair. I learned I should not hit others and put things back where they came from and in that I learned we should not take things that do not belong to us and most importantly I learned it was NOT alright to litter. I was still a troubled and rebellious youth and got a lot of “Yelling” from Mom, I am not sure why she did not send me off to a foster home. I was a horrible kid, not once but twice I had to walk home from St. Paris to Collins road before I was 9 years old, she was so sick of me she just put me out of the car or just left me. I guess I can tell that story of child abuse now she is gone she can not be prosecuted for it. I am laughing about that because that was an enduring story throughout my life.

While Mom was not what I would necessarily call a “Joyful” person she did bring joy into people’s lives. For a long time she had an “old dude”, let me explain before you jump to any conclusions. She somehow became friends with a guy who was in a nursing home and he was 100 years old. She went to see him all the time and she called him her old dude, I know she brought a lot of joy to his life. Later in her life I had to learn “Equanimity” due to the type of relationship I had with her. Sometimes good, sometimes bad I think it was because both of us were so opinionated and stubborn so you can imagine. She was also the queen of being “Anal”, it was so bad it made me laugh most of the time. She had a box for every gadget, a bookshelf for every book and a list for every occasion. My favorite list was the one she kept about movies, she knew what movies she had seen, when she had seen the movie, where she was when she watched the movie and who she was with and whether or not she enjoyed it. I have told friends if I ever get that anal to shot me in the head, large caliber, as I do not want to recover. Mom “Never”, even at the height of any argument we had, gave up on me. I do not think she had any particular future in mind for me as I was growing up, she never wavered from instilled in me that I could do anything I wanted to do, all I had to do was word hard for it. By burning that into my psyche, or breath of breath of life as the ancient Greeks called it she had laid the cornerstone of who I am. That helped me understand how important “Education” would be, not necessarily just a formal education for the piece of paper but education towards the goal of wisdom. I never reached to goal of a formal education, no piece of paper saying I am edumacated but I have spent my adult life in the pursuit of wisdom and I have not one regret about that. I see it kind of like the difference between theory and practice, in theory there is no difference between the two, in practice the difference is HUGE and I would rather have the practice any day.

I attribute a big part of who I am to the “Way ” she lived her life, her leading by example enabled me to learn a great deal. Don’t get me wrong, we are “Odd” the two of us, in so many ways that I could write a whole book but I live within my own oddity and find solace there as I think she did. The best example I can think of is during a game of trivial pursuit she knew the answer to what the medical condition diphallasparatus was, in case you were wondering it is a man with 2 penises, yeah and my Mom knew that off the top of her head – how weird is that. She was also a rabid opiniaster, that is one who obstinately holds to an opinion. She held her convictions very tightly and could be obstinate, that became more obvious the older she got. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a thing. I have inherited a great deal of my “Determination” from Mom, that attitude that it will all work out and we can get through anything will be with me forever. I wish I would not have been so “Selfishly” stupid towards the end of her life and am ashamed of the way I let our relationship end up where it did.

After rereading that I notice that I am all over the place and there is no real rhyme or reason or flow. Let me explain, I was idly scribbling on a pad with a faithful #2 pencil and ended up writing Mom’s name out on paper several times, Ashley Jeane Woods. After doodling it around I took each letter and started a word that I though described Mom and then put that word in “quotes”, in case you were wondering why those words were like that. I am at peace with my Mom’s passing, probably not because of the traditional reasons, I don’t care about those. Our lives, from the very first moment, are stuck in the loop of predestined surety with regards to the end, our bodies will all grow old and die – it is a biological fact. I have never gotten overly distraught at the death of family and friends, sure I miss them and my heart hurts sometimes but knowing intellectually and understanding spiritually that death of the body is the inevitable end for all us has alleviated me from any great suffering around death. It has allowed me to look back and reflect on the good times and the bad times I had with Mom because both are what formed our relationship. I loved my Mom and would not have traded one bizarre minute of our 44 year relationship.

Did you enjoy Mother's Day - I did