This one is an attempt to explain to my Niece one of the harsh realities of life. You have to guess which one of my 9 nieces it is for

I am not sure why but it seems to me that a lot of people like to sit in righteous judgment of others and I have some theories on why that is and some techniques that worked for me when confronted with that type of situation. One of the constants (in my experience and opinion) that I have found about folks who, in usually a holy than thou way, judge you against their mold of what life is supposed to be are often just jealous of the possibilities your have created with your life. I almost said “life has offered you” but one cold harsh reality is nothing in life is offered - without requiring a payment of somekind. Sometimes, I think, they are a little pissed about the locked in life of apparent misery they are forced to endure because of choices they made, or more importantly did not make. Wow that sounds harsh when I type it down in black and white but that is what I have found to be true in my life. I am not sure how people get to that place in their lives and I am only speculating but it could be the poor decisions that lead them to a jaded and sanctimonious perspective on life maybe. Maybe they have let life beat them into normalcy, or their narrow defined view of what normalcy might be. Maybe they believe everything they see and hear in the media and have not learned to ALWAYS and VIGOROUSLY question everything. I do not know the why but I do know that no matter how entrenched in the sea of negativity they might be, no matter how close to being all out a**()^’s they might be - there is hope for them to see the light of freedom, more on that in a moment.

There is one group who have a special ability to severely hurt us in very painful ways, in a way only a person who is deeply trusted can and that is our own family. Why is that? It is because, by and large, we give our family an unquestioned blanket of trust, no questions, we just give that to them because society has trained us to do so since birth. Why is that, a family member can be as big a jerk as the next guy. Most of the time they can be even worse simply because they know you in ways that others may not – they know what buttons work and trample them at their convenience. That has lead me, a long time ago, to stop the insanity in that regard. A pecker head is a pecker head no matter if the same blood runs through our veins or not. I do not give my family special privilege over me, they are treated like everyone else and must earn my trust before receiving it, why, give anyone a blanket trust and therefore the power over you? It is unfair and the match is fixed when it comes to family members sitting in judgment, they will get you every time, if you let them. The important thing to remember is that you are the one who has to look in the mirror every morning and most of the time you will not see anyone looking over your shoulder at you. So you have to live within your own convictions and if others do not like it – GOOD for them, but their self-righteous attitude can not be allowed to affect you or how you live your life. Don’t get me wrong I love every member of my family, I just chose not to give them to ability to adversely affect my well being by giving them the blanket of trust.

Lord knows I have created a lot of hate and discontent amongst my family members and I recognize that I am an equal opportunity offender, parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, siblings and even in-laws, I do not think I have spared anyone over the years. You know what though, I have not lost any sleep over it for a long, long time - not one wink. While that may go over like a fart in church most times, why do we care, especially if someone is attempting to be what they think is virtuous? I know it sounds harsh but you know what – it is your life and NO ONE has the right to tell you how to lead it, like Granny used to say “your 3 times 7” meaning when you hit 21 years of age it is all you! If you allow others to have the power over you it is NOT their fault, it is yours for not stopping it. Do I regret any of those choices in my life – NO. Should I maybe have been more diplomatic – Maybe, would the outcome still be the same – yes because I will not allow others to sit in judgment and wax philosophical about what my life should be, from their narrow perspective.

Earlier I said, “I do not know the why but I do know that no matter how entrenched in the sea of negativity they are, no matter how close to being all out A$*$^&#’s they are there is hope for them to see the light of freedom” and that brings to mind a question. Is it incumbent upon us to help them see that light? NO, every ones light of freedom is different and most attempts to provide assistance will be seen as judging them, the exact thing we get pissed and hurt by when done to us. We have to guard against that type of situation, I try very hard not to judge those family members I have had disagreements with and currently have forgiven each of them for whatever the situation was. Again that goes to being able to sleep and I found that not being able to forgive allows that bitterness to fester and then they have succeeded in drawing you into their world. It is a tricky rope to walk without becoming the very thing we loath but at this point in my life I have reached that balance and am at peace – I like the weirdo who looks back at me from the mirror and in a way that feels free and easy and that is what brings me peace.

I will never say, on my death bed or anywhere else, that I wished I would have fixed or nurtured this relationship or that relationship, if I wanted to do so I would do so today. That kind of speaks to the way you must live to be truly content with who you are, you can’t live your life with or in analysis paralyses, make the decision and move on. Sounds easy enough but it takes practice to be able to actually do it. I have no regrets in my life, not one and I would not go back and relive any of it! Wanting to go back and relive it implies you may change something about your life, if you want to change it you have to change it in the here and now, if you wait until later it is too late. For me, living my life that way has been very satisfying. It will require you to perform some soul searching for it to work, you must know who you are, even the ugly stuff. That you will find is a daily ritual, the soul searching part, and each days decisions need analyzed carefully and put into perspective before the day passes. When flying south with the birds, you will have a unique perspective on the situation, this will allow you to see the problems and recognize them for what they are, small and insignificant and just not worth your time and they should not be allowed to affect your life, not for a day or even minute. Remember the 5-10-15 rule I apply to situations like this. What difference will their opinion make on your life in 5 minutes, what difference will their opinion make on your life in 10 days and what difference will their opinion make on your life in 15 years. You may occasionally find that in 5minutes it might make some difference, rarely will you find it to matter in 10 days or never for me have I found in 15 years it made any difference.

Keep your chin up kiddo – and just like I said here, you can take this for what it is, someone else’s opinion. You will need to find your own balance and remember when folks accuse you running away or hiding just remind them you are running – running from their pessimistic judgmental attitude and hiding from their narrow minded divisive misery with the hopes it will not wear off on you.