I was in the throne room the other day and started to ponder what life would be like without toilet paper.

Toilet paper is so ubiquitous that we take it for granted, other than what our brand preferences are. It got me to thinking just how long ago was modern toilet paper invented? Then I started wondering Who was the genius who invented toilet paper", we should say thank you after each trip to the throne room. Another question came to mind as well, what items did people use before two ply was invented? I started to imagine all manner of items could be used, grass, leaves, fur, shells, corncobs. A bit of googling and I found that the ancient Greeks used stones and pieces of clay and the ancient Romans used sponges on the ends of sticks, kept in jugs filled with salty water. Mideasterners commonly used the left hand, which I found is still considered unclean in the Arabian region. I am not sure where this pontification will lead me, or you, since you are reading but here is the disclaimer this about toilet paper so if you are not interested stop now and check back later for new posts.

I found that "official toilet paper”, paper which was produced specifically for the purpose - dates back at least to the late 14th Century, when Chinese emperors ordered it in 2-foot x 3-foot sheets. 2x3 foot sheets, were all the Emperors the size of Sumo wrestlers or did they section the sheets into smaller more manageable sized pieces. Corncobs and pages torn from newspapers and magazines were commonly used in the early American West. The Sears catalogue was well-known in this context, and even produced such humorous spinoffs such as the "Rears and Sorebutt" catalogue. The Farmer's Almanac was popular because it had a hole in it so it could be hung on a hook and the pages torn off easily. Can you imagine wiping your but with a periodical, say the latest edition of Newsweek or Time. Just guessing I have no real left hand experience but I believe the Sunday paper would be better than a glossy paged periodical.

We need to all say a thank you to Joseph C. Gayetty of New York, he started producing the first packaged toilet paper in the U.S. in 1857. It consisted of pre-moistened flat sheets medicated with aloe and was named "Gayetty’s Medicated Paper". He was quite an audacious man, evidenced by the fact he had his last name printed on every sheet. With aloe no less, damn - Puffs has only been around since the 60’s and Puffs Plus with Aloe did not come out until well after that, what happened in the hundred years between those two? The rolled and perforated toilet paper we're familiar with today was invented about 20 years later, around 1880. Various sources attribute it to the Albany Perforated Wrapping (A.P.W.) Paper company in 1877, and to the Scott Paper company in 1879. Originally the Scott Paper Company was too embarrassed to put their name on this product. The concept of toilet paper was a sensitive subject at the time and that forced them to customize it for their customers... hence the Waldorf Hotel became one of the biggest names in rolled toilet paper during that time.
It was not until 1935 that Northern Tissue advertised "splinter-free" toilet paper. Yep, you read that right; early paper production techniques sometimes left splinters embedded in the paper. Can you imagine getting splinter while using toilet paper, we have a great life in 2009. Less than 80 years ago we got toilet paper that would not leave splinters, think about that for a minute. We humans have been roaming around for A LONG time and we developed the ability to wipe without fear of splinters only 80 years ago – that is almost unbelievable. It was not until 1942 that the St. Andrew's Paper Mill in Great Britain introduced two-ply toilet paper. Toilet paper has remained basically unchanged since then, other than roll size getting smaller and then larger and then even larger. Aside from the roll size we now have a greater variety of strengths and patterns as well. My favorite toilet paper commercial is still the bears using the bathroom in the woods, I can not remember the brand but it touts not needing very much to “shit in the woods” just like a bear. That is funny and most people I have asked about it don’t even get how funny that is, proof that bears do shit in the woods and they use toilet paper when they do it. You can laugh, that is funny.

After learning all that. I started looking for fun facts about toilet paper. One of the first things I came across was the toilet paper Ipod docking station, I shit you not it is pictured below – what in the hell is wrong with us, is what came to my mind upon seeing a gadget such as this. I also learned that only 7% of homes in Afghanistan have a flush toilet, but 19% have a television, according to The Week Magazine. I also found that the Pentagon uses, on average, about 670 rolls of toilet paper every day, being that is the largest office building in the country I thought that number was kind of low.” According to the folks at Charmin the average consumer uses 8.6 sheets per trip or a total of 57 sheets per day or 20,805 sheets annually, or is that anally? How would like to be on a committee whose goal is to determine the toilet paper usage patterns of the consumers, I am glad I do not have that job.

That lead me into what we used before toilet paper, I found that the Vikings in England used discarded sheeps wool. Sailing crews from Spain and Portugal during medieval times use the frayed ends of old anchor cables. The British lords would use pages from a book, early Hawaiians used coconut shells and French Royalty commonly used hemp before the invention of the bidet. Eskimo’s had it easy with Snow and Tundra Moss. Well I am about talked out about toilet paper but the next time you visit the throne room don’t forget to say silent thank you to Joseph C. Gayetty for inventing packaged toilet paper because without it our society, I fear, would crumble. Remember 8.6 sheets per trip, no squares to spare.

Like my bride told me, it was funny but she thought it was funny because I actually wasted (her word) my time writing about toilet paper.