Bride and I, an example – of what I am not sure.

The other day on Facebook a friend I went to high school with said “Maybe you should write a book to help young people starting at in marriage. You two have a very good example for couples to learn from.” I was honored that someone I have not seen since high school would say such a thing about me. Although I am pretty sure I do not have a book in me trying to get out I thought, I can write I blog about it. So here I am, at the keyboard pecking away. Not sure this will be able to be a stream of conscienceness, as my blogs usually are. When one ponders what makes a great marriage it is complicated and I had to ponder this blog for a couple of days before I started writing it. I suspect if I were to write a book about helping young people starting in marriage it would be a short book, it is really not that complicated the way I see it. I won’t say it is easy but it is not complicated. I think I will write this blog in chapters, kinda like I was writing a book.

Chapter 1 – Be best friends and treat each other like best friends treat each other.

Sounds easy enough huh? It has to mean something, those are not just words. It has to be backed up with actions. How often do you yell at your best friend? I have seen married couples who holler and swear at each other in a hateful, vehement way, it makes me sad. That kind of behavior erodes the love and it becomes “ok” to disrespect your spouse – that is NOT ACCEPTABLE under any set of circumstances. That is NOT OK and one should NEVER start doing it because it is the beginning of the end. Folks also respect their best friends, we respect them and their opinions, even if they do not fall into perfect alignment with our own opinions. I can not think of anything that would make me disrespect my best friend, I am not saying that there are not differences of opinion at all. What would the world be like if everyone had the same opinion? If there are any BIG things that are deal breakers for ya, probe that area when you are dating and if they can not be resolved – move on to someone else, do it long before you have kids and alimony payments. Just be nice to each other, in every way you can think of to be nice.

Chapter 2 – life is a bitch, get ready for it.

We must take the hardships that life deals to us and learn from the struggles. We then have to use that wisdom to shore up who you are, individually and more importantly together. Remember you will not be the same person in 5 years, and you will be different again 5 years after that. Want to know a secret, your spouse will not be the same either (Refer to chapter 1). I am not saying here that life is all bad, actually just the opposite. We try to look at things for what they are, not what we want them to be. Things that happen to us or around us are COMPLETELY out of our control, we like to think they are in our control but I have found that 99.99999% are not. Our reaction to the natural ebb of flow of the world around us is what makes those events good or bad, not the events themselves. Hang on and realize, the ride is underway and you might as well enjoy it because it is not stopping for any of your petty bullshit. The only thing you have is each other so hold each other, look into their eyes and tell em you love em, and mean it.

Chapter 3 – Never go to bed mad, nothing, NOTHING is worth that.

Over the 22 years Bride and I have been together I can count the arguments we have had on three fingers, they were not even what could be called fights. When we first moved in together we would have a bitch session every day. Not a knock down drag out or anything like that but simply telling each other the idiosyncratic behaviors that bothered us. Things like leaving the lid off the toothpaste to leaving the lid up. After a couple of months of that we were able to go a couple of days between sessions, and now after 22 years we still do it. Seems silly now but it fostered our ability to have honest and non-confrontational communication with each other. We talked about the small silly little things so nothing ever got so big that it became a monster that needed tamed. We just don’t have anything that reaches that level, we have talked it out long before then. Sometimes we would agree, sometimes we would agree to disagree and that is OK. NEVER look at an argument or disagreement from the perspective of “winning”, trust me when you approach a relationship with that attitude it will never last, you have to be on the same team.

Chapter 4 – realize that you are an individual - you do not need to have all the same interests and likes.

Everyone is a unique individual and it is not fair to expect someone to change who they are to accommodate the other one. I am not sure if two more different people than Bride I could be found. We are each our own strong individual in our own right and then we are also a strong team at the same time. It has been fun to grow as a person by myself over time but it has been more fun to grow as a team, together. Like any team there are strengths and weaknesses and like any team you find out where your strengths and weaknesses are and you learn where your teammates strengths and weaknesses are. Once that is known you grow to cover each other, to temper those strengths and to shore up those weaknesses. It almost becomes an automatic over time and there is no better feeling in the world than to cover your teammate when they need help or to be covered yourself when you need help. You also don’t have to do everything together, and I would highly recommend having some separate hobbies. I am not saying that these activities be off limits to the spouse, Bride even acts as a helper when I am wrenching on cars. Not sure how to say it exactly but just have things you do by yourself or with others and let your spouse have the same.

Chapter 5 – don’t sweat the small stuff, oh and by the way – it is all small stuff.

Again this sounds so simple to me but it is often overlooked, with tragic results. We have a saying, what will this matter in 5 minutes, 10 days or 15 years, the old 5, 10, 15 rule if you will. Most things you may want to get your panties in a bunch about really don’t matter, not even in 5 minutes let alone 10 days and we have had nothing was so important that it would have an impact in 15 years. This kind of ties back to chapter 3 but is a bit different. The small stuff is all the things that could, if combined, turn into an argument. The small stuff is to be dismissed as non-important, small stuff can not be allowed to raise to a higher level than say, a pesky fly. If the small stuff is allowed to fester and turn into more than small stuff, a big bomb of small stuff, the results can be catastrophic. Why, because you will no longer know what you are arguing about, there is not one thing, it is a list of things that are so tangled and confused you will never be able to sort them out. A bunch of small stuff will have turned into a big pile of stinky shit that winds up covering everything and everybody. Remember most ALL THINGS are really small stuff, will it matter in 5 minutes, will it matter in 10 days, and will it matter in 15 years. I think not, unless you want it to, for your own sake, don’t want it to.



Chapter 6 - For you guys, do the boy jobs.

We have, over the years, split the household responsibilities into Boy work and Girl work. It really just kind of worked out to a mostly traditional arrangement with Bride doing the bulk of the inside work and me doing the bulk of the outside work. We tradeoff sometimes but mostly it is Boy work and Girl work. Now there are some jobs that we share doing and that is fine too. I could not imagine sitting inside watching the game if Bride were outside schleping the mower around the yard and trimming the hedges. I know couples that do that, I am not sure why but that is what “works” for them, or least it appears. I was at the gas station the other day and the man sat comfortably in the SUV driver’s seat while his Bride got out and pumped gas, I was shocked. I keep the all the cars filled with gas at our house and would NEVER, EVER consider having Bride pump the gas with me sitting in the car – that is a boy job. It is the same with toting the trash to the curb, boy work. Cleaning the pool, boy work as is painting and most home repairs - all boy work in our house. You have to find your list of girl work and boy work but boys, hoist your Bride up a pedestal and do the dirty messy jobs for her, if for no other reason than so she won’t have to do them. (refer to chapter 1)

Well who knows, there seems to be more in there about this, another blog may be coming soon