Love and Marriage – with a lifetime into it.

So there I was the other morning having breakfast on Saturday morning with my friend Robert, a nearly 20 year tradition. When we arrived, an older couple are sitting by the window having breakfast. I have seen them here before at Nicklyn’s Café, not every Saturday but enough that I remember them. Him, with his Florida Seminoles hat and her, with those odd looking glasses. I say odd, they are not really that odd but that is what comes to my mind when I see her, odd glasses. Anyway, he always holds the door open for her, but I wonder if it is rote or is it still that he loves her and he wants to hold that door? They order and he always pays, seems a pretty traditional couple, seemingly still in love with each other. Seemingly you say??? Why say that, well that is what initiated this blog, which coupled with watching the movie “It’s Complicated” last night with Bride got me to pondering love and marriage.

When I first met Bride she was still married, it appeared happily. We were stationed at the same little base in Annapolis Maryland, me fixing broken electronic gadgets and her working for the base commander. It was not long before she was moving into the barracks, by herself. It was a very small base and just like in very small towns everyone know everything that is going on. I remember her first trip into the barracks I held the door open for her, the first of many of those. Well this lead to that, she was legally separated and then finally divorced. There was not much to do on that base so a group of us became good friends along the way. Well after a awhile she was actively pursuing me for a date, OK it could have been me groveling at her feet for a date, I can’t remember which it was exactly but we did finally start dating and that was 22 years ago. Anyway, about the dating, I remember us being out to eat and people watching, we could tell who was on a date, who was married and who was married a long time.

We talked about how some folks who were married could, somehow, make it through a whole meal without talking to each other. We were both amazed that such a thing could happen, why stay married if you can’t muster a few nice words over a good meal, hell any words really. We made a commitment then to never let that happen to us, and it seems that, at least so far, we have not let that happen. We still have things to talk about with each other and we still enjoy each other’s company. We have fallen into what most would call a traditional marriage, she does the traditional wife chores and I do the traditional husband work. There are some exceptions but for the most part it is pretty normal, whatever normal means. We still want, and do things for the other one, not because it is rote and expected but because we still are crazy in love with each other. She does not have to put gas in her car, I always hated seeing a woman pumping gas. I do not have to do laundry or clean bathrooms. I open doors, including her car door when we go out. It just seems right to me and I hate seeing a couple at the gas station where the guy is the passenger and he doesn’t move as his female companion opens the doors, pays for and pumps the gas and then runs in to get a treat for Mr. Lazy, inconsiderate ass.

So back to this couple in Nicklyn’s café, so there they sit enjoying scrambled eggs and bacon, it appeared they both had ordered the same items from the menu. Anyway, the whole time I was watching I saw them say maybe a dozen words to each other. None of those words touched on the subject of the nearly whole egg that was stuck to his cheek with the cheese that came on the eggs. So that got me to wondering, was she messing with him but not telling him or had their marriage deteriorated to the point that his Bride would not even tell him he was having breakfast with half of it on his face. I was sad watching it and tried to put Bride and I in that situation, I could not imagine it. She might do something like that for the amusement value but I do not suspect that she would let it go on for the whole meal. Even though we came in after them we finished first and were sitting outside when they completed their breakfast. He did hold the door for her, in what appeared a kindly way. But on the way to the car it became obvious that it door holding was an automatic and had become rote for him. How you might ask did I deduce that, well he did not even open her door or assist her into the car. Nope he walked right over and got in, she had some issues getting in that took her I bet an additional minute to get into the car, he just started the car and stared forward. Wow is all I could come up with in my mind.

So then last night we watch the movie, It’s Complicated. If you have not seen it the story is about a divorced couple who one of which is married to the woman he was cheating with to initiate the divorce. Anyway, she and her ex get together and start having an affair, he is now still married to the mistress he left her for. It’s complicated should have been called “I am a cheating dog and can not keep my %*%& in my pants so I am incapable of having an honest and truthful relationship”. It was an amusing movie but it was still about a cheating dog of a man, portrayed by Alec Baldwin. Being a child of divorce, I had decided in my younger days that I would NEVER stay in a relationship that was not what it once was. Life is WAY too short to stay with someone who is not as committed to you as you are to them.

So, I still hold the doors and all the rest, not because I have to but because I want to. And Bride still does the myriad things that she does for me, and I am not the easiest man to tolerate either so I know she loves me. So we are committed (and you have to be committed) to never letting our relationship slowly deteriorate into anything other than the two of us loving each other like crazy, I love her like crazy! So friends it seems there is a simple formula, keep on loving your spouse and treating them just like you did when you were just dating!