Well evidently, there is a rebuttal witness to question my recollections of my first Family picnic.

The rebuttal witness is my overly verbose brother in-law. I also received some information from a my Niece, she did not know where the Nancy award originated, she was but a child of 9 years old when it was created. While looking at the big picture, brothers story and mine are similar but poor brother was obviously overheated at some point and I will point to the recent studies that indicate the Texas heat has produced a wide variety of odd symptoms. I almost did not post this, I think it is actually funnier than my recollections but in fairness here it is.


There was some truth to what you have written. We do have a family picnic and you are a Nancy. However, that is where the similarities end. I remember the picnic you write of a little different…………….. hmmmmm………. let me see……………. I remember it like it was yesterday…………………………….I awoke like I always do. The alarm in my stomach and bowels tell me it is 5:45 AM, and I should have been assuming the position in the bathroom a good 2 minutes ago to be safe. And…………wait a minute, that WAS yesterday.

I remember my sister telling me she is bringing a gentleman caller to the family picnic. This particular gentleman caller she was married to. Some yankee. I had my reservations, but I’m sure as a family we were going to give him the benefit of doubt. Now, my father was somewhat of a smart ass. My mother was a sly smart ass. They conceived 8 smart asses together. I’m sure if you asked a stupid question, between the 8 and their children (your nieces and nephews, who have a smart ass streak running so deep in their veins there is no room for regular blood) you may receive no less than 20 stupid, equally smart assed answers. I would at least like to give you my account of what REALLY happened (to the best of my memory, but this did happen back in the drinking days!).

I remember when my sister brought this, this “man” to camp the first day, I had just finished doing 100 one armed push ups with all the kids sitting on my back. I was preparing for a twenty mile hike before breakfast and was going to help some of the others with various merit badges. I had heard there was going to be a yankee in camp, but I couldn’t have been prepared for this. My sister walks up with the whitest person I have ever seen. Obviously he had stayed inside his whole life with the blinds drawn. If the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man and the Michelin Tire Man had offspring, this was it. Elmer’s Glue would actually say, “man this guy is WHITE!” This guy is so white….(HOW WHITE IS HE?)………….he glows. Anyway……….my pigment challenged new friend is complaining of the mild summer we were having that year. I gave him a cup of coffee that was brewing on a rock next to my tent. Told him I agreed that it was nice. Hopefully, it will stay below boiling point this day. This “man” had a good breakfast with us. Breakfast tacos. This is something you get in THE GREAT STATE. He wanted to eat his with ketchup (some call this catsup, actually its called picante sauce) the best of course is homemade with a lot of jalapenos. This made him sweat profusely. He drank lots of water and when that didn’t help ran east of the boat ramp and eventually back to the west and jumped into the lake. He swam for a minute and guessed cramped up and started to sink. I got him, brought him back up to camp and performed lifesaving techniques to revive him. It was awkward, but after he apologized for his abnormally large tongue, we found out this wasn’t cramping from the heat or massive amounts of water, but these cramps were from his occasional irregularity and bloating from his normal menstrual cycle. I should have guessed.

Soon after, they left camp and went to some posh resort. Upon returning, he wanted to show off a new multi-purpose tool. Folks, when you buy these things you should really have to take some kind of test. Anyway……….as he pulled it out, he broke a nail and cried. I don’t really think he bled; he was just that red all over from the sunburn. Anyway, he was bleeding anyway because of the aforementioned “monthly friend.”

The Nancy Award was born this day. Never has a grown “man” cried so much over so little for so long.

In closing I would like to offer this…………..Smitty should keep his car parked in the garage, drive only to his office where he parks in a garage and go directly into buildings. This “man” should not ever be let outside. Go ahead and de-claw him, he’s an indoor cat.