My Brides annual family reunion, opppps the family picnic as it is known, is a most amazing thing for one who married into the family

The origins of the Family Picnic date back to the late 60’s early 70’s when the family patriarch took his wife and 8, yes that is an eight, children camping, fishing, boating and water skiing among other outdoor activities. I was not around for the early years but by ALL accounts the kids and parents alike enjoyed the family picnics. There are a few lakes around Austin Texas and the family picnic takes place at one of them each year. We were not able to attend the first couple of years we were married but to me the event sounded like a fantastic thing, family getting together, singing around the camp fire, games for the kids, adult party favors for those who were old enough, or smart enough to steal them from the adults. We never had anything like this in my family, we went to Kiser Lake but this sounded to me almost Beaver Cleaverish. I officially joined the family in 1990 and it was a couple of years before my first family picnic, this party was by invitation only mind you. I did not put much thought into that fact that a picnic in July, in Texas might just be hot, that fact would make itself apparent soon enough.

That first year Bride and I were excited to go, her even more than me and I could tell the family picnic held a lot of good memories for her. I am not sure why or how but I guess I missed the part that this was really camping out as a family, some had nice tents, others had pop up campers and still others had bad tents. Well I have never been much of a camper, I got kicked out of the scouting when I was in Webelos. I have never “pitched a tent” started a fire without matches or any of the other necessary skills needed to successfully live in the wild. In no time I realized I was ill suited for this picnic, which for me was quickly turning into an ordeal. I was somewhat intimidated by Bride’s four brothers, they all appeared to be so at ease with all the outdoorsman type equipment, I began to question if they were perhaps originally born in the wild. I was not sure about the oldest brother, the all called him the corporate camper as he would drive from Dallas to Austin and never loosen his tie. They all had complicated campsites, tents that looks like you would need an engineering degree to place and setup, gas powered lighting and cooking equipment that used white gas, whatever that was. The rest room was over that hill and down to the right and there were no showers there. The boat docks were through the woods over that other hill and our boats were tied up to the west of the ramp, to the west they said to me, like I had some internal compass or external compass that I would know how to use. Although I did appreciate the benefit of the doubt, they had no idea just how bad it really was for me, if they were messing with me, which is possible, it was not initially apparent to me.

And it was HOT, damn hot, I am talking about the kind of heat that would kill Tarzan, I mean Texas in July is HOT. I guess I am a pansy when it comes to that kind of inferno, at least that is what one of the brothers called me when I mentioned that the skin on the top of my head was starting to melt from the heat. By mid afternoon I was miserable, HOT, HOT, HOT and I was beginning to wonder if perhaps the heat had not caused some permanent damage to all members of this family that made them not even notice that the rocks laying around were actually glowing red. Did I mention how HOT it was there? I was sweating so bad and in turn drank so much water I was starting to cramp up. Those first few hours were a blur to me, I did not know if I was coming or going and then I started to wonder, my God where are we going to live for the few days we would be staying. I was trying my best not to cry but I started asking some of the brothers, my Bride had abandoned me, where we were going to be staying. You did not bring a tent one of them asked while performing some task with one of those multifunction tools I would later learn was called a Leatherman, more on that later. The level of sheer disdain that was heaped upon me after I explained that I had no idea about camping was pretty high, or so I thought. One of them handed me a pouch not much bigger than cardboard tube you might get a poster in and said I could use one of their backup tents. Backup tents I thought, not being aware of the details regarding a primary tent I thought OK. Looking around I saw big tents, ones that would house 5-8 people and you could stand up in them, I was amazed that something like that could be broken down to fit into such a small package.

Well finally I hook back up with my Bride and she looks hot to, could it be that being gone so long has lowered her tolerance of the heat, did I mention it was hot. I told her of our fortune, I had procured a tent, I had provided for my woman by arranging a safe place for us to sleep. After picking a spot, later it would be explained to me how bad a spot it was but I picked a spot and started pulling my tent out. It did not take long for me to realize that this tent was not much bigger, if any, than a lawn and leaf trash bag, how were we both going to sleep comfortably in here. I gazed up the hill to the other tents in all there zippered flap, mosquito proofed screened glory and thought – shit this is going to suck. After all the festivities of the evening we all made our way to our sleeping quarters, the air temp was still over 100 degrees and it was almost midnight. The ground temperature was closer to 387 degrees after being baked by the hot Texas sun all day. Of course we had not cots, no air filled mattresses, to tell you the truth I am still surprised the two of us fit in there in the first place. When reached the age of 18 I was never planning to sleep on the ground again, why do it? And yet here I was sleeping in a tent the size of a garbage bag, on the ground and in the heat, what had I married into is what my nightmares revolved around all night long.

In the morning someone had already lit a fire and started coffee y the time I was able to crawl out of the hellish nightmare I was living in. A fire I thought, are you kidding me? Anyway I was staggering around trying to get my back to loosen up a bit and I told bride I am going to go for a drive and cool off in the air conditioning of the car, she excitedly said I will come with ya. We pile into the car like a couple of people who had just crossed the entire Sahara desert and with the air on MAX we just took off in any direction that seemed would keep us in the car as long as possible. As we drove we talked about how great it was to see everyone, how big the nieces and nephews had become but we were not talking about the elephant that was obviously in the room. I do not remember what lake the picnic was at that year but we are driving along and up on the left, a brand new looking Howard Johnsons. It was funny, we both looked at each other and without even a word we whipped in and got a room. First things first we spent some time in the most wonderful pool in the world. That room could have cost 5,000 dollars a night and I would have paid. It was not 5k and I seem to remember that it was inexpensive. After swimming, showering, a nap in the room with the air going as cold as it would go and then a bite to eat. We were very refreshed, clean, rested and well fed and therefore very happy. Little did I realize that my next move was going to haunt me forever.

We knew it would be noticed that Smitty was clean and refreshed and in some bizarre attempt to compensate we rode into town and found the nearest sporting goods store. I run in and ask for the biggest Leatherman they have, I want one with everything in it. The guy behind the counter whips out this mac daddy unit and it was immediately apparent I would have the baddest Leatherman on the campgrounds. I would show the brothers I could fit I, little did I know my fate was sealed when I walked out of that sporting goods shop and started back to the campsite. So when we get back I clip this big ass 150 dollar multipurpose tool made for surviving in the wild to my belt and in we go. Well it did not take long for folks to catch a whiff of soap and shampoo and ask who had a shower. We had changed clothes, showered and been refreshed and for those who had not left the campsite we were obvious. We immediately started to receive a Texas sized ration of shit about not “camping out” and having to get a hotel room. This was from all corners, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, what was I to do to defend myself? Here is where the second mistake started and actually ended. I thought quick come up with something, it was about that time I was asked about the Leatherman I was wearing, hot diggity I thought, here is the tool that will allow me to pry my way back into their good graces – WRONG. So I whip this thing out and start showing off all the implements and explaining the purpose of each, I had read the booklet that came with it before in anticipation of any questions. Well it did not take more than about 7 seconds for me to handily chop the end of my finger off, no bone mind you, only skin but needless to say the purchase of the Leatherman DID NOT have the desired effect.

Once I was able to get the bleeding stopped, of course they all had first aid kits handy, I realized that I would never be able to live the hotel or the Leatherman incident down. What was I to do, I thought some animals when attacked just play dead, I could not even do that for Petes sake they had enough medical supplies to stock a freakin MASH unit. So I thought ya know what, I will just embrace my lack of respect and own the fact that I am a pansy and do not live outdoors. That has worked for me and they all know that about me now, so we have that. I believe that was the first year that they implemented a new award especially for me. The awards are my favorite part, who cooked the best brisket, who had the best campsite, who won playing horse shoes and lots of others, I felt immense satisfaction to have an award created in my honor. That was until I received it, it was the Nancy award, from the old cartoon character Nancy. I still have the framed award in my office, there were a couple of years I even won that award in absentia. I received a tee shirt with a picture of Nancy with a red circle and line, indicated no Nancy’s allowed. I love going to the picnics, we can’t get there as often as we would like but to this day I have not slept in another tent and they can give me all the crap they want – man invented air conditioning and hotels, who I am not to use them. This account is how I remember it, there may be some details I missed or did not get exactly right but this is the way I remember it. I will receive corrections I am sure from the family.

What is your famil reunion like?