The loss of a parent is challenging............

My Mom passed away March 17th 2009 at about 4:30am, my sister called to tell me at 6:25am. Until that moment, I was blessed, I still had both my parents and I quickly realized that I had been taking that fact for granted, for way too long. My Mom was the most complex and unique person I have ever known and probably will ever know. She lived her whole life in a bold, in your face and unrepentant way, it was her world and everyone else was just orbiting. She lived the first part of her life facing unbelievable adversity, as she got older she found true love in the arms of a younger man. I always believed this love was her only true love. I believe her first two marriages were for other reasons, the first to escape a troubled childhood home life and the second one to provide security for herself and her three biological children. Of course, that is just my opinion as her and I never talked about that directly but there were enough conversations to lead me to that conclusion.

Several years ago, she and I had argued about something, I guess it was stupid because I can’t even remember what it was about. We were both very opinionated and stubborn to some degree and we just stopped talking, at all. As I contemplate my Mom’s life, it seems I must be dimwitted to have let something stupid cause a rift in our relationship, even more so now since I can’t even remember what the argument was about. A couple of years ago, after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s we made a trip to see her for mother’s day. She was still pretty coherent at that time and I enjoyed the visit, although she did not remember or understand that we had not talked or had been arguing for some time. After that visit I remember thinking it was the first time in A LONG time I had seen her truly happy, seems weird to say but all the bullshit (the adversities of life) had been stripped away and it was like the Mom I remembered from my childhood, happy, optimistic and cheerful. I realize that is not fair for me to make that assessment with a 2 day visit but I did as a coping mechanism to deal with the situation. A group picture taken by my nephew has been the desktop on computer ever since.

My family has been dysfunctional for a long time, like all families but our dysfunction is “high-level” dysfunction. As my youngest brother says our dysfunction is so bad that for us it should just be “Dys”. The “Dys” is so complex and on so many levels, you will have to believe me that it is bad and that effective and proper communication is challenging, on the best of days and this is not a good day. I have received, or picked up however you want to see it, a lot of traits from my Mom, for the better I believe at this point in my life. I have never had a problem sleeping or looking at myself in the mirror, which is good. But, I also never had a problem saying what was on my mind, many times in my life it has been to my own detriment and it saddens me that I allowed it to adversely affect my relationship with my family. I am at peace with my dysfunction and do not blame others for it, it is mine to own and we have becomes close friends over the years.

Being true to myself has continued to be a double edged sword for me, I will never change who I am, I have never been more comfortable in my skin as I am now, I own my “Dys”. 99.9% of the time I am perfectly content with who I am but there is that fraction of the time that I wonder if I should learn to shut up and say I am sorry more often. I did not reengage with Mom like I should have after that Mothers day visit, for some reason I did not rekindle the relationship because I knew it would he hard, would she recognize my voice when I called, would she remember what we had been arguing about or would something else, unpredictable, happen. What a coward I am, this is exactly the time I should have been engaging with my Mom and here I was scared of how it might affect me, what a bullshit excuse! I will reconcile that mistake with myself, it is what I do, and move on but I feel neglecting the relationship when I did might be my biggest mistake to date. My Mom taught me, in childhood, to be independent and that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to, if I applied myself. Mom taught me, in young adulthood, to question authority and find my own truth and to never believe without investigation, words like “pray for peace but prepare for war” were in her syllabus but if you ponder anecdotes like that you will find they can be applied to many aspects of our life. Later in her life, she taught me (through inverse action) that I would never let life to beat me down to be jaded, divisive or mean spirited and to miss the beauty in simple everyday things.

She lived every aspect of her life unapologetically, which was good and bad. She more than had the courage of her convictions, she dominated her convictions in a very unwavering way. She also approached relationships with the same unapologetic manner, good or bad I own both of these traits. When her mother died of Alzheimer’s some time ago Mom’s greatest fear was to be stricken with that disease. Mom was very smart and engaged in the life around her, she got her master’s degree when she was in her 50’s and never stopped learning, learning about everything. When it started to happen I can’t imagine the fear Mom must have felt. When she needed someone the most I abandoned her, I am ashamed of that fact. Knowing the fear she had to have felt has made her passing easier for me, she did not want to live like that, those who knew her know, her kids know from the very very detailed living will she left. She was VERY specific about feeding tubes, rehydration and countless other restrictions that detailed that without the possibility of a return to normal life she was to receive nothing. Aside from detailing what her wishes were in black and white and legally us kids knew what she wanted, without question. I miss my Mom but at the same time, I am strangely relieved because I knew she did not want to live like that and I am disappointed with myself for being so petty.

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?