13 Days In – Trying to Make it Feel Real

So today I thought I would try to make all of this feel real, it hasn’t yet felt that way to me.  It’s been more like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. 

I cannot thank Y’all enough for the outpouring of support, the physical presence, the random texts, the emails, the DM’s, we were truly blessed by the universe to have so many chosen and actual family members who cared about us.  I mentioned that I have felt a lot of motion but not sure if it was forward motion.  Today, I decided to take one small step that was unmistakably forward. 

I threw away her toothbrush, 4 times. 

First, I tossed it in the bathroom trash can.  Then pulled it back out again, thinking she would kill me if I did that to her toothbrush.  Later, I tried again in the same trash can.  I left it there for about 30 minutes and pulled it out again, still unable to do it. 

Then I dropped it in the laundry room trash can, where it stayed for another 30 minutes.  DAMN IT!  I pulled it back out again, starting to wonder if I could make this step or not. 

Then I remembered today the recycling gets picked up, so I went out and tossed it in the recycling trash can and wheeled that to the curb.   I hope the truck comes and gathers it up before I run out and try to pull it out again.

Of all of my steps so far, I believe this one is tangibly moving me forward towards accepting that Bride is gone.  So weird to think about and even weirder to type or say out loud.  I have said a number of times that I don’t even know who I am without her.  

Last night, a Brother from another Mother shared a story when someone told him, over and over, after a life event hurt him, that he was going to be OK.  It was a beautiful story of his friend supporting him because the friend knew who he was, at his core.  His friend also knew he had the strength to work through that challenging moment in his life. 

After telling the story, he said, “Duane is going to be OK” a number of times. 

Upon reflecting on those six words I realized, I do indeed know who I am.  While Bride helped me define who I am, fundamentally I am still her Smit, and I am going to OK.  I have to find ways to honor those parts of me she helped me define over the nearly 4 decades of hanging out together.

 I have no idea how I will make my way back to OK but knowing, absolutely, that I will comes as a great relief to my heart.  I was reminded this morning via text that sometimes it’s three steps forward, one step back but that step backwards is usually needed for something.  So the important thing is, just keep taking the steps. 

Maybe tomorrow I will throw out her razor, or her deodorant if I can.