Talk of guns, people and what they do with them.

So, I have been thinking about the gun violence in our country and how I feel about the current state of things.  It is such a complicated issue, it is very difficult for me to pick a side.  Then I wonder, do I really need to pick a side?  I am very conflicted on it,  I am pretty damn sure that gun control is not the answer but I recognize, as does the President and MANY others, that we need to do something. Douglas County Sheriff's Office identified the nine people killed as Lucero Alcaraz, 19; Quinn Glen Cooper, 18; Kim Saltmarsh Dietz, 59; Lucas Eibel, 18; Jason Dale Johnson, 33; Lawrence Levine, 67; Sarena Dawn Moore, 44; Treven Taylor Anspach, 20; and Rebecka Ann Carnes, 18.  This is madness!

I know people kill people, guns don't kill people.  My primary issue with gun control is this, and it has nothing to do with my feelings on it.  My issue is when we (the current crop of elected political dipshitoids) start putting stipulations on the Constitution we jeopardize the sanctity of the rule of law.  We will have created the ability of politicians who happen to be in office at that moment to determine a list of approved or disapproved list of sorts.  It is a slope that seems the start of something we do not want, as free Americans.  What happens next, another group places some addition limitations and so on until what, we ain't allowed to have any?

On the other hand, I have to ask - why is it ok for our country to allow these killings to continue?  We can even predict the exact flurry of activity by the minority speaking about how it is not the guns and how we should argue for more people to carry and even carry guns in the open.  It is a well rehearsed media blitz, fine tuned through many iterations of the same story.  They know which strings to pull and the automatons line up to say there piece, be it in he news, the office or on Facebook.  

Funny thing is, the other side has the same tired assed media blitz strategies as well.  I am sick of the bullshit that comes out of both sides.  I am sick of the bullshit that comes from it and I am sick of the two sides ineptitude on providing any freaking solutions to the actual problem.  Why don't they, they are too wrapped up in their own bullshit and their own political side of the story.  

Ya know who they are, we talk about them all - they are the right wing and the left wing.  Problem is, both have forgotten and are not even able to  understand that the two wings, both right and left, are still equally important parts of the same damn bird!  They bicker at each other, like freaking children, and never really solve any problems.  In a world without problems their importance is diminished, they feed on the self aggrandizing bullshit they spew out of their heads when bad things happen.  They don't care about getting victims of these senseless shootings justice, they fill us with platitudes while moving on to the next thing that gets them back in the publics eye - something that contributes to getting them elected. 

We as the masses move on, numb to the facts that we are all complicit in it, regardless I which side you take.  Desensitized to violence of this stupendously heinous nature. Our elected officials have not been able to solve this problem!  Taking away our rights to bear any arms is not the answer.  Doing nothing is not the answer - they have failed us!  I do not pretend to know how to solve these, one of the reasons I am not running for office.  But shouldn't we demand the ones we do send into represent us be able to solve problems?  Or are we too worried about the party line, which ever one you happen to tow?  

I want to say I am sorry to the families and friends of Lucero Alcaraz, Quinn Glen Cooper, Kim Saltmarsh Dietz, Lucas Eibel, Jason Dale Johnson, Lawrence Levine, Sarena Dawn Moore, Treven Taylor Anspach, and Rebecka Ann Carnes.  I am sorry, for what ever reasons, that our government has not even tried to solve the problem that ended up taking your family member or friend in a violent death.   It makes me mad as hell, I am going to be looking for some group that is working on this and support that anyway I can.  

My heart goes out to all the folks in Roseburg Oregon.  We were at Crater Lake, a short distance away, enjoying some vacation time with a Brotehr in law and his wife when this happened.  We went past Roseburg on the I-5 and saw the media trucks lining up, they will invade that small town with the ruthlessness of a bull in a china shop and take over the town.  Asking stupid questions to people who may or may not have any real involvement.  They will have to fill days of news with non stop coverage, there will be crisis mongering and folks spewing righteous indignation.  But at the end of day it will fade in to the past with little fane fair, little to nothing will change and we will have diminished just a little more the importance and absolute preciousness of life.  

What say you about this madness? 

Final goodbye to a Friend

I had to make a trip back to Jacksonville to say my final goodbye to a Brother from another Mother, Cary Martin.  It was a quick trip in and out and it was filled with seeing a few friends, watching a couple of sunrises and pondering the insanity that surrounds my friends death.  For me, it started with a  text from a mutual friend that came in at 1:03 on Saturday May 16 in the afternoon that said “Carey Martin in critical condition after being shot by the police.  Don’t know the whole story but heard he was suicidal”.  I was not prepared for that text, I suppose no one is ever prepared for that sort of text but this was a serious shock! Cary was just a normal guy with a normal job.  Well….. as normal of job as a person can have when they are the director of Technology at a television station.

News started trickling in from other friends in the following days and I reached out to a bunch of people.  Being on the left coast it was hard to get a feel for what was actually going on.   There was a lot of speculation, a lot of bewilderment and just plain old confusion.  Come to find out, he was shooting at the police (8 shots I heard) when they returned fire with 34 shots, seventeen of which put bullet holes in him.  AMAZINGLY he did not die right away.  He was taken to ICU at Shands, which was probably the best place for him to be.  He lived for 5 more days, or I should probably say they kept him alive for 5 days because what he doing was not living.  Many surgeries and removal of key components of his body later and he mercifully passed away.

Those are the facts as I understand them.  I say understand but that is bullshit because I don’t understand and I will never understand because my friend is not here to explain it to me.  Without that, what are we left with…… more questions, more unknowns and more anger!  There were conversations about him missing his wife, conversations about how he got angry and mean when he was drinking – none of which I ever witnessed and never thought or heard about him before.  Throughout the many conversations, they all eventually end up at “suicide by cop”.  That is us, with our own bullshit trying to apply logic and reason to an illogical and unreasonable situation in a vein attempt to make ourselves feel better about it or think we understand.  We attempt to rationalize the completely fucking irrational in order to make it make sense in our heads.

Some things will NEVER make sense and we should not beat ourselves up over it!  It is an unhealthy exercise!  So how and what do we do?   I wish knew!  I just am mad, I am pissed that my friend did the most selfish thing a person can do.  I am not mad the cops gunned him down, you shot at cops and you are going to lose – that is a fact!  I am not mad at God, I do not believe in God.  “It was God’s will” someone told me – ya know what, FUCK YOU!  God’s will……. If I were a believer, things like this would make me question my belief system.

I am angry at my friend, I am mad as hell!  Mad that he left so many people with so many questions.  Every little detail of his life being scrutinized by friends and family in their attempts to understand something that can’t be understood.  Mad that I have seen his daughters and saw the agony and confusion in their eyes!  I am just glad that his wife Marie was not around to see it happen, she passed three years ago from Cancer.  I have seen the looks of children whose father committed suicide before, my friend Grady Foy kids several years ago, it was agony and devastation and that is a horrible selfish thing to put your loved ones through.

I was mad at Grady for a long time as well.  With him it was a little different, I had spoken to him for an hour the day before he blew his brains out.  I struggled with that for quite a while.  It was the day before thanksgiving, around 3pm in the afternoon.  We talked about some work stuff and then about what our plans were over the thanksgiving weekend.  I played that conversation over in my head 1000 times, looking for clues or something I should have caught.  That was me attempting to rationalize some irrational thing.  That was me attempting to gain answers to questions that had no answers.

Cary’s service was nice, it was well attended by friends and family and there was a lot of small talk.  The small talk was different than the small talk heard at a funeral in which the deceased had passed from an accident or cancer or some other medical or age related reasons.  It was awkward for me and I felt it was awkward for many.  No one asking the questions that could not be asked, no one saying what they wanted to say and everyone seemingly in shock over the whole affair.  I am so glad I was not asked to speak at that funeral, I don’t think I could have done it.  The preacher did an admiral job at the service, sensitive to the situation but kind and caring.  He asked us each to not think about any of the recent Cary memories but reach back and remember a good memory.  That was good to do, he was a funny guy and I had lots of funny things to remember.

 I hate that there are so many unanswered questions for so many people.  I hate that speculation now drives much of the conversation and I hate that this is what my friend will be remembered for.  Not that he was a loving and good husband to his high school sweetheart for 31 plus years.  Not that he was a good father to his three daughters.  Not that he was successful in a career in broadcast television engineering during a time when broadcast television went through a lot of changes.  Not that he was a great friend to a lot of people, myself included.  Although maybe not out loud, people will remember him for the one split second, selfish decision that he made that resulted in his own horrific death.  That make me mad as hell!  I know I will eventually get over this anger, right now it is just part of my process for dealing with losing my friend.  I miss ya Cary!

Good Damn Question

So, Bride asked me last night if I had ended up now where I had planned to be when I was a younger man.  No one has ever asked me that question in quite that way before. This is actually a very good question, at least I think so. It really made me think about my youth and where my young and mostly dumb self thought I might be at age 50.

The truth is, I have never once really contemplated "where" I would be during any stage of my life.  As with most people, at least I hope, I spent a good deal of time contemplating the "who" I would be on my journey on this ride through my life. My life experiences, starting at a young age, reinforced the fact that the "who" was much more important.

I have spent time thinking about "what" I wanted to do, and I have done a few things over my life, which were all pretty different and provided me great experiences and memories. I did the rebellious youth thing and learned a lot of things the hard way. I did the single thing and I liked that. I did the Navy thing, and liked it. I did the civilian thing and liked that to. I am doing the married things and I love that. I attempt to use each step on the path to further develop the "who" part.

I spent a lot of time determining "how" I would progress through life and work. I was probably naive but…… I felt at 18, as I feel today, that with the application of hard work, the “how” will always get better. I have been extremely fortunate in that regard. In the Navy I learned as much as I could, reading technical manuals for fun. I honed my crafts, being one with the electronic gadgetry and learning how to motivate and encourage people to be the best they could be.

I found it was never terribly hard for me to stand out. First I had to know my shit, so I spent, and still spend, a lot time learning my shit. Next you had to get along with others, so I focused on, and still focus on, getting along with others, Robert Fulghum's “All I really needed I know I learned in kindergarten” was a big help. Next you had to work your ass off, so I did that, and still do that, more often than, not as well. 

Those skills and the processes used are applicable to work, to friendship, to life and to marriage. Those three attributes are some of the keys to success, in my opinion, for all of life. Again, all of that was being applied to developing the "who" I was, not necessarily where I would be at any particular point along the way. I always had a blind optimism that those traits would always keep me moving up professionally and make me a better person, friend, husband, as I journeyed along.

I just love this question, Bride just dropped it on me after completely kicking my ass at Trivial Pursuit. This question is so thought provoking. I have never had a destination in mind for my life. I guess I always knew I would get there, and there would be wherever my journey takes me.  I did have a thought about "where" geographically speaking, I knew I wanted to live in Florida, and I did for 25 years.

Having a notion about where we want to be at certain points in our lives seems counterproductive to me. It makes it about the destination and not the journey. The one absolute in life is that it happens, the good, the bad and the ugly. There are only about 9.999 giga-bajilloion variables that could impact the exact destination. Seems to me that is almost setting ourselves up for failure, or at least disappointment.  How many kids who wanted to be an astronaut actually became astronauts?  I ended up working in TV and radio instead of walking on the damn moon and my life experiences are no less rich for it either.   Life has a way of diverting our journey, and that is OK.

If we focus on the here and now, we spend our time figuring out how to enjoy, or at least tolerate it.  We have the opportunity to enrich our lives with those experiences, regardless whether we perceive them to be rotten or great. Looking at the positive in all things seems to me so much better than being pissed about not walking on the moon.

All we ever have is the moment, the one that is going on right now and if we spent our time being anywhere else we are doing a disservice to ourselves, our family and our friends.  How we react to what life offers is really all we have, we can choose that reaction every time and it makes our moods either positive or negative - choice is always ours, including choices that will change our circumstances.

Sadness scan come from pondering a past event, anxiety can come from pondering future events, and contentment comes from enjoying the moment. For me, right now my dog is sleeping at my feet, country music is playing on the TV and bride is in the back yard talking to a sister, don't know which one though. I am a very happy man.

Another thing that comes with spending time on the "where" is the worrying created about the "when". When we focus on the ride, the where and when and all the worry and stress related just fades away. The “who” is what you wake up with every morning, what you go to bed with every evening and what makes you the person you are.

I am the most fortunate human I know, not because of any of the trappings and successes I have in the world we live in. It is because I have 50 years of experiences, personal and shared, and a life time of friends that have made me who I am today and brought right to here, a pretty damn good life with Bride. The story of your life is going on around you, stop worrying about where you are going and start enjoying the damn ride!

I am exactly where I was meant to be at moment!

I am an IDIOT

So, as you know I have changed jobs, a change that has taken me from our home in Jacksonville Florida to Portland Oregon.  We lived in Jacksonville for over 24 years and it was not an easy decision to make the change.  What you may not know is that I am here in Portland and Bride is still back in Jacksonville. When this opportunity first presented itself we talked about it and how we would transition from life in Jacksonville to life in Portland.  We were thinking about it at that time from a very practical perspective.  In hind sight, this is where my idiocy really started to shine right through.   I suppose in life hind sight is always very clear 20/20.  But we can always change plans to overcome our idiocy. 

When the offer was made and accepted Bride and I quickly made a few decisions that I would not make over again, if given the choice.  The primary one being that she would stay behind while the house sold and that I would go ahead to Portland to a furnished apartment.  I believe that was one of the first decisions we made.  That set into motion a number of things that were not easily undone.  Rent on my place, movers and on and on.  Now I find myself here in Portland missing my Honey and my Honey back in Jacksonville missing me.  We already had a ticket for her trip out in February before I left, she will be here in a couple a weeks.

So we have not really been apart much since I got out of the Navy.  We have completed 189 days apart before, and that was before the internet and Skype and before it was reasonable for normal folks to have a cell phone.  I can tell ya this, the being apart part is the primary reason I got out.  We have always had great relationship but after a long cruise it becomes very difficult.  I think since 1993 the longest we have been apart is 2 and half weeks, when she was in Texas without me. 

I will tell you a funny story from the last cruise I went on, one in which we still laugh about from time to time when we are apart.   This was towards the end of the cruise and we pulled into someplace in Sicily, I can’t remember the port.  Normally I would find a hotel to call home from, nice surroundings, inside, generally quiet.  Well as you know most hotel lobbies had phones that were off to side generally in the vicinity of the restrooms.   I believe I had had the mid watch that morning and was super tired and just wanted to talk to my Honey and then go back to the ship and hit the rack. 

So I find a nice hotel and a phone and call her up.  I forget the time difference but she was at work when she should have been home.  She was working her ass off at that time, tons of hours.  Anyway, we talk for a 10-15 minutes and I tell her I love her, hang up and head back to the ship.  Normal call, normal check in and I got to hear her voice, all was good – at least I thought it was.  We pulled out the next day and about 6 or 7 days later we got a mail call from the carrier.  I get a letter, yippee.  We wrote hundreds of letters to each other on that cruise.  I wrote at least one per day, all long hand as this was before email. 

So it starts out crazy talking.  She is selling the house, going back to Texas and we can have an amicable divorce.  WTFO, is what I thought!  I have no idea what is going on.  I remember getting the MARS sparked off to get a call to her.  MARS was a network of HAM radio operators who would patch calls from ships onto the phone system back home.  You had to conduct the conversations as you would on the radio so the operator knew when to key up.  It was not a full duplex operation as we have with a normal phone.  It could be compared to talking on a walkie talkie.  Anyway, come to find out she had heard some women laughing and giggling on our call and they were dubbed my 40 laughing Italian sluts and I could go live my life with them.  Now I did not even notice people, let alone girls, coming and going to the restrooms.  I also did not think this was a good time to remind her they would have been Sicilian sluts had they been actual people.  We got it worked out J

Back to the present, I am here, she is there and neither one of us like it much.  I am staying in a small place that is more like a berthing on the ship than our home.  We also packed up the majority of our house before I left, we have 4 rooms that are basically empty and the others have been stripped to only essential items.  Even silverware for her is limited to 4 sets.  We both realize that this was a mistake.  We also realize that it is within our control to change.  Our primary reason for this hair brained idea of being apart was that we did not want to leave our house empty while it sold.  Now that we have weighed that out a bit more we have decided while that is important it is not as important as being together. 

I had lost track of how well we operate as a team.  I suppose it was due to the fact it works so well I may have taken it for granted a bit.  I miss her right now so much it hurts.  I have left her out there to deal with that end of things all by herself.  Again, back to the team thing – we each have our strengths and weaknesses.  I hate that this ended up like this!  When she comes in February we are going to make that a house hunting trip.  We are looking to rent a house for a year or so to better get the lay of the land before we buy.  Then we are coordinating with the movers to get on the schedule with a mid-march move out here for her and all our stuff.  We both have a lot of things to get done, and again we are doing them by ourselves.  We are drilling down on it now but we are still looking at better than a month before we are living under the same roof again.

In my younger days I  have used the words *^%@*# whipped before for guys who were this in love with their wives.  That was before I understood what it was like to be so in love with someone that all you wanted to do was be with them, regardless the situation.   Sandy Smith is the single best thing that has come into my life and I just could not imagine where I would be without her.  She is my inspiration, she is the reason I do most of the things I do.  I say most because I still do some dumb shit she still does not approve of, but she tolerates it and that is part of the reason I love her.  She has never tried to change me, she just accepts me in all my weirdness.  I have on occasion attempted to change her, and she tolerated that as well.  She loves me and I love her! 

It feels a little hollow for me here, I really love my job but the reason I have it is not here to share these first experiences with me and that makes me sad.  I know we will be sharing our lives here but the many firsts for me are not able to be shared.  Not in a meaningful way anyway.  I mean we skype a few times a day but nothing replaces sitting across or beside each other recapping our days.  I miss her touch, we always hold hands when walking around.   I miss everything that is Sandy Smith and I cannot wait for her to get here!  I love her and I miss her and miss all the silly little idiosyncratic behaviors we share.

I LOVE YOU SANDY SMITH!!