1958 Jalopy - 2012 Chevy Tahoe - WHAT a difference

So as you know I drive a 1958 Jalopy, here it is. 

I recently rented a 2012 Chevy Tahoe, here it is.

So, for those old enough to remember it, this was previously known as the K-5 blazer.   Chevy produced the K-5 (the king of off road vehicles) from 1969 until 1994, when they changed the name to Tahoe in the 1995 model year.  Anyway, that is not the point of this blog.

We left for Tampa while it was still dark and at some point I accidently hit a button that turned on the rear wiper.   It was dark and I did not want to stop to figure out where the button was so it flapped back and forth for a bit over an hour and half until the sun came up and I could see where to turn the thing off at.  We stopped along the way to get a cold drink and use the restroom.  I took this opportunity to familiarize myself a bit with all the knobs, buttons, levers and other electronic interface devices in this magnificently complicated vehicle.

Now as I said, I drive a 1958 ford Ranchero, fondly referred to as “Jalopy”.   I have on my dash 6 knobs, two of which open air vents to the outside.  One is for the lights, one for the wipers and one for the heater, yep one knob controls the heat and fan.  If we count the input device, non-electronic of course, there are a grand total of one, it turns on the left turn signal when I push it down and the right turn signal when I push it up.  Now I do have a couple of buttons on my radio because some jack-wagon chopped up the dash to install a new style radio, the idiot, and I have not been able to find a replacement dash so I live with it.  All of these are within reach from the driver’s seat.  Also there are also no nested menus on anything and especially with 9 deep directories within those menus.  Seems with those 7 knobs and one input device I can make my life work, it all makes sense to me.  I did not have to read a manual to learn what the knob labeled “lights” meant, it was pretty self-explanatory and easily understood by anyone with a pre-kindergarten pre-school education. 

So with this Tahoe, I was just blown away with the technology that was jammed into this thing.   I was so impressed that this morning before I took it back I sat there, surrounded by more electronic gadgetry than was in use in the freaking space shuttle.  I decided to do a little exploring while I sat here, counting knobs, buttons and other interfaces and menu directories.  This will AMAZE you, or at least it amazed me!!  Within easy reach of the driver’s seat there are 90 buttons, some of which perform multiple tasks.  90 BUTTONS, what the hell!!! That does include the six way switch that controlled the position of the seat.  I forgot that ONE in my Jalopy.  It is a knob with a mechanical linkage to a mechanism that manipulates a series of pegs that allow the drive to move the seat closer to the dash.   90 BUTTONS, what in the world is going on?  There are 23 alone that control the radio, and best I could tell most of those are multifunction buttons that do many things dependent on the mode one might have the radio operating in.  CRAZY!!  There are also four functions alone for the rear wiper. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am a gadget head and not fearful of technology.  As a matter of fact I have made my living implementing and maintaining the latest technologies but come on – do we really need that level of sophistication within easy reach of the driver’s seat?  I shit you not that there are 12 different modes that can be changed using the turn signal lever, and that is NOT including actually using the directional to tell folks which way you might want to turn.  I am surprised that we do not have some little gadget that is monitoring your eyes and then turns the signals on based on where the driver might be looking.  I wonder when they tell me that I should not text while driving, hell there are more than enough distractions on the dash of this modern marvel to kill you 1000 different ways. 

Now up to this point I have only been talking about the physical knobs and buttons, I now want to talk for a minute about the menus.  Now just keep in mind that 5 of those previously mentioned 90 buttons are dedicated to driving and manipulating the electronic menu system.  I found that I could follow my fuel usage, average as well as in real time.  It also keeps track of and displays the transmission temperature.  Now I have been a motor head all my life and can’t for the life of me why a driver would need that information available on the dash board.  When I started the car, the temp was 72, the temperature outside.   By the time I had reached the rental place, it had risen to 140 degrees.  Not sure what that meant or why I would need to know it.  Funny thing though, when the fellow went out to check the mileage, he could not figure out how to get the menu back to indicated the mileage.

So as I played in this menu hell I realized, one had better plan on reading the owner’s manual on how to operate and understand the meaning of all the different information that can be provided to the driver.  I am not kidding it was crazy, maybe everyone else already knows this but for one who drives an old car, I had no idea.  I actually found out how much life that the oil had left, it was at 16%, what that means, who knows.  16% of 3000 miles, or is there some super cool gadget that is actually monitoring the molecular structure of the oil and providing the user direct feedback?  16% of the 3000 miles is the standard I have been using for my entire adult life, that means there are 480 miles left until that oil literally turns to water and stops being an effective lubricant.  Bullshit I say!!

I also noticed that I could find out the tire pressure in each of the tires, included the spare.  As I am a curious one I looked into how that works.  Seems they install a wireless device inside the rim, that little marvel monitors the pressure with a standard transducer type device, nothing new there.  Then it sends RF signals to a receiver inside that car that has been assigned tire monitoring duty.  No new technology there, only taking already proven technologies, combining them and applying them to a situation that really does not need it applied to.  That system alone adds hundreds of dollars to the cost of that car.   That monster starts at 40 grand and I suspect the model I was driving to be fully loaded so it is probably closer to 60k.  hahaha, that is more than I paid for my first house. 

Engine hours, different languages for the instrumentation as well as direction, the compass could be calibrated by mashing a button and driving in circles, were available at the touch of a button.  I learned I could find out how many hours the engine had been running, an electronic version of the mechanical one seen on old tractors.  There was of course the backup camera, hidden right there in the mirror.  Yep, I thought it was only a mirror, but when the vehicle was placed in reverse, BAM, about a third of that mirror turned into a backup camera.  It also has some sort of radar or sonar, sonar I suspect that initiated a beeping in the passenger cabin as I got to close to some object behind me.  In this case it was Jalopy as I backed into the driveway.

Well I for one think new cars are cool, but they are just too complicated, God only knows what it would cost to fix some of that stuff when it quits working.  I also got to thinking about what other information that computer is keeping track of, the cars exact location, the speed of the vehicle, it staggers the imagination to think about what it is tracking, it knows how hot the transmission is for petes sake!!  My old Jalopy, the only fancy technology in there is my Crackberry when I carry it in there with me.  Nope, for me I will be sticking to the old faithful Jalopy type cars.   If you have one, good for you but think about all the information that car is gathering about you as you go about your daily life.

Another one about our Puppy - Damn I miss Him!!

You want me to do WHAT??

It has been a couple of days since we lost Newton.   When I wrote the last blog the hurt was still very fresh and I just wrote down things that popped into my head.  I was all over the place but today I will try to do better.  There are so many funny Newton stories over the 12 years he was our dog that I could just not write them all down.  We had dogs when I was a kid, Timmy, Marmaduke and a little German Shepard mix whose name I cannot recall.  Newton was my first dog as an adult, although we have had a number of cats.  Bride and I got our first cat when we were just dating, Zappa because he was black and white with a little black patch on his chin.

Newton was an AKC registered Boston Terrier, even thought he was close to twice as big as they are ever supposed to get.  There were lots of funny comments over the years about his size.  Most often people would just say, is that a Boston terrier?  Bride got to telling people that he was a Texas terrier, everything in Texas is bigger they say.  Since she is from Texas, that explanation worked.   Bride had him in obedience training when he was a puppy and I remember her coming home upset one night early on.   She told me that one of the breeders at the dog club where the training was being held just looked at Newton and said, wow, that dog has a lot of Staffordshire terrier in him.  She was devastated, she was VERY proud of Newton and to have a stranger so bluntly dis her dog hurt her feelings. 

The last couple of days without Newton have been tough!!  We do have Darrel and Darrell the kitties but the house just does not seem as full.  I remember Bride and me sitting around the house the evening we lost him and talking about never getting another dog.  That first day was tough, we cried and laughed a lot.  The next day I took off from work and we just hung out. We kept leaving to go somewhere, anywhere to get us out of the house, the house where Newton was no longer a physical presence.  That was rough because each time we got home, there was no Newton greeting us at the door to provide the unconditional love that he always shared so generously with us.  While his physical presence may have been gone, his presence was pervading every part of our house.  Everywhere we looked, sat, walked there was Newton’s presence.  Even in the morning as I had my bowl of cereal.  Whenever I had a bowl of cereal he would hear the clinking of the spoon on the bowl and he would be right there – waiting to get whatever was left in the bowl, sometimes I thought he was going lick off the glaze from the pottery bowl.

Friday was no better, although I had gone back to work I still could not get that crazy little dog out of my head.   I miss him so much, crazy little dog anyway.  One thing that hurts is when we go to bed, each night we all had our routines, including him.  Once Bride and I got into bed he would just jump on up there and come over right between us and plop down.  He would be leaning against me and it was his time for unconditional love from us.  He would sit there and we would pet his little head and he would just love it.  That would go on for about 10 minutes a night, after which he would stand up and turn facing the foot of the bed and plop down again.  He would stay there until the reading material was put on the night stand and the light was turned off.  At that point he would get up, jump off the bed and make his way out to the couch or one of the living room chairs where he would spend the night.  I miss that time more than any others. 

When we first got Newton we had a kitty named Junior, he was a giant 24 pounder who still had his  claws.  All kittys since have been declawed, hate me if you must but our cats have always been indoor cats so we have them declawed.  Anyway, one day when Newton was very small we heard him howling and Junior screeching in the front of the house.  We went out to look at what was going on – this is when I learned that Newton was a sissy, at least when it came to cats.  Newton was sitting at the end of the hallway crying, Junior was up at the start of hallway blocking his way.  At that time Newton was about 12 pounds and Junior was 24, it was at that time I think Newton understood that he would always be subjugated by our cats.  Every cat that came along after , subjugated him, even Darrel and Darrel who were tiny kittens had him under control within minutes of arriving, and they were only 10 weeks old – they would even push him away from his dog food and eat dog food, it was hilarious to watch!   

Over the last few months we could see in his behavior and his eyes that things were not right.  It was heart breaking to see the look on his face when he was not feeling well, he was unable to know, understand or talk about what was happening to him.  What that equated to for us was to see that scared look on his face, it was heartbreaking.  His behavior continued to get more bizarre than it was before.  He slept a lot more than he used to but when he was up, he was going 90 miles an hour.  One day he was out in the back yard barking with the neighborhood dogs and running the fence.  Not sure what happened but in mid stride he stopped and came to the door to come back in.  Once inside he went over close to his food bowl and laid down and just panted and he looked scared.  I sat with him and petted his little head until whatever it was passed and he got up and got a drink of water. 

I am unsure if I want to get another dog or not.  Bride was kind of implying today that she did.  I want time to properly mourn Nubsy.  It seems getting another dog right away would be like using the new puppy to forget about the old puppy, I do not want that to be the reason we get another dog.  I have had friends give lots of advice, my buddy Scott B. in Ohio posted something on my wall that was so thoughtful, love ya man!!  Here is what he posted:

To have loved and then said farewell is better than to have never loved at all.   For all of the times that you stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you. For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly.  For all of these things I am grateful and thankful. I ask that you grieve not for the loss but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved and touched each other's lives.  My life was fuller because you were there, not as owner, but as my friend. Today, I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the sun shines gently down upon all of God's creatures. I can run, jump and play and do all of the things that I did in my youth. There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging. We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever. You live in our hearts as we do in yours. Companions such as you are very rare and unique. Don't hold the love that you have within yourself.  Give it to another like me and then I will live forever. For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as we are.  Your pet is in heaven.

I love ya man and I sure did love that damned old misbehaving, malshapened, butt ugly dog - I miss him so much it hurts!!

Sir Fig Newton Bernard Smith - Our Puppy

I am not even sure where to start this………… just a few hours ago we made the decision that ended our little puppy’s suffering.  Bride and I have laughed and cried most of the afternoon and evening, remembering his idiosyncratic behaviors.  He has been not well for some time but we made him a promise, as we have with all our pets, that we would not make them suffer at the end to satisfy our own conscience - We promised to keep his best interests at heart, not our own.  This was the third pet that we had to make that decision and surprisingly to me – it has gotten harder with each one.

Newton led the most idyllic life that any dog could, from the moment Bride picked him up from the breeder all the way through this afternoon.   Bride and one of her best friends tracked him down in Georgia.  He was a malshapened mess as far as the AKC standards for his breed, which is a non-sporting class.  We would tease him about that all the time.  Bride sold me on the idea of a dog, we were cat people, because he was supposed to be only 12 pounds.  A friend of ours Parents had a Boston called Cookie and I said, well if we get one it can’t be a cookie, it has to be a Newton.  That was how his name came about.  He was 8 pounds at age 8 weeks so when he brought him home I knew we were in trouble.  Bride kept telling me that the max they ever get is 24 pounds, well that is the largest they can be and still show them, it is NOT how big they can get.  Newton shot past 24 pounds like a rocket on his way to 45, where he topped out.

Newton went by many names over the years, Newton of course but there were many iterations of his name we used.   The was the Bomber, the neutron Bomber, burnsey, nubes, nubie-dean, butt ugly shitbird (only I called him that).   There was Nubie-dubie, but we never did anything with fig part of his name.  And we wonder why he never listened, I guess I understand that a little better now.    

I remember the one time he got out, the door was cracked just an inch or two and he rammed through and out he went.  I chased that damn dog for nearly two hours, running through people’s front yards, through their back yards and all over the place.  He would not listen to me, I suspect he knew he was going get spanked for that transgression so he wanted to prolong it.  He was smart like that, he knew when he was doing something wrong.  It makes me laugh because there were a million times he would do that, only the once outside the back yard.  When I would ask him to come in, he would stop what he was doing and then look at me for a few seconds, then he would just on about what he was doing.  It was a conscience decision to disobey.      

I remember once when he did make me proud, no keep in mind he is a Boston Terrier, a large Boston but a Boston all the same.  The neighbor kid was walking their dog, who stood taller than the little boy who was walking him.  We had our front door open and all the blocked Newton from Max, the neighbor’s dog, was a thin and flimsy screen door.  Well Max came hauling ass across our front yard, dragging the boy with him.  When he hit the bottom of the front door he came right through into our foyer.  Well Newton tore Max’s ass up, ripped his ear nearly off and had bite marks in various places, Newton was completely unscathed.  I was proud of him for protecting his home.  

One of the things that made me laugh is when he would turning his back on us.  If for some reason he was not getting his way he would walk across the room and turn his back to us and then occasionally look over his shoulder and whimper.  if he did not get enough of a treat, he would do it.  If we would not let him under the covers, he would do it.  If he thought he was not getting any and everything he was due, that little punk would do that.  It was hilarious and most times I suppose it worked because he usually got what he wanted.   

When we were at the Vet’s office all the folks there were crying as much as we were, they loved and he loved going there.  He made that trip at least once a month to get a bath, nails trimmed, ear cleaned and his anal glands expressed.   He was always happy to see them and they were happy to see him.  There have been lots of adjectives over the years that were used to describe him, by the folks at the Vet and all our friends as well. 

I saw a woman on the beach this morning, I see her all the time.  She walks her three little dogs every morning.  A few day ago when I saw her she only had two, I asked what had happened and she told me he was misbehaving and was in timeout - that made me laugh.  Anyway, I saw her this morning and she was all bundled up and had all three dogs.  They were each bundled up as well, little matching sweaters that covered them up.  It reminded me of one time when Bride got one of those for Newton.  He hated it and when she made him wear it he would look at me with the look of – really, come on Dad save me from this embarrassment.  Eventually I made sure that it disappeared when it was warm out so the next time it got cold, it was just gone. 

I went to the beach this morning and it was cold, 39 degrees.  As I sat in the dark starting at 5:30 I just remembered Newton and his life.  There I was sitting on the beach in a lawn chair, alone, bundled up in multiple layers, in the dark, missing my dog and crying to myself.  I am not sure what someone would have thought if they came up me but then again, I really didn’t care.  Newton was a great dog and brought more joy to our lives then should have been allowed.  He was spoiled rotten and he knew it, but as Bride says, we did not get a dog to show him what disciplinarians we are.  As the skies lightened, it was mostly gray, I realized that I just wanted to be sad for a while and got up and left.