So the other day I was tossing and turning in bed, that is something that I do not normally have issues with. After 10 years in the Navy I can pretty much sleep anywhere at any time thorough just about anything. Anyway as I turned the pillow over to enjoy the cool side and I realized that there it was, right under my head for all these years – the secret to life. I am sure everyone has experienced that fleeting feeling of the cool side of the pillow, I say fleeting because it starts to change almost instantaneously. It moves from a feeling of crawling inside a warm hug from someone who loves you to just a warm pillow so quickly. Since then then I have tried to determine how long that feeling lasts, if you get 20 seconds of joy out of the experience you can hold it longer than me, the feeling starts to fade the moment my head hits it but takes about 10 seconds before the sensation of wonderfulness is gone. Another thing I noticed was the more I watched and harder I tried to hold on to the moment the less I enjoyed it and the shorter the joyous time was.
I will come back to that so hold that thought. A big event going on in my life right now is my best friend of over 20 years is going through radiation treatment. He had a cancerous tonsil removed some time back and the prognosis for this treatment is great so I have not dwelled on the things we don’t talk about, not even to our best friends. He started radiation treatments 3 weeks ago and has a 11 more treatments left to go. The first weeks of treatment were once a day but he just started two treatments a day. Anyway, he has lost about 10-15 pounds and since the radiation is directed to neck he has been unable to swallow since the end of week one and is forced to drink 6 of those ensure drinks a day as food. No solid food for over two weeks, he has never complained but that has to be a bitch.
I have been spending more time hanging out with him lately, not that I can do anything but be there for him. He has joined me on numerous occasions on my early morning excursions to the beach to watch the sunrise, this morning he even went for a swim. It is kinda funny, I send a text when I leave my house, usually about 10 minutes to 5, and if he wants to go he will open his garage door and when I drive by I stop, or not depending on the position of that door. I secretly hope that door is up each morning I drive by, I so enjoy just being there for him, to talk to, to be someone he can complain to and whatever else he needs to do or say. As I am typing this I think I will go by tomorrow morning and I can only hope the door is up when I go by. Seems like a silly thing, to build so much symbolism into the position of a garage door – thinking about that is making me smile though so silly or not I don’t care.
I have stopped over to see him after work a number of times since his treatments have started. Not that he would ever complain but it has been hard for me to listen to him describe each new malady as the treatments persist. That sounds stupid saying as I read it – “hard for me to listen”, what kind of stupid shit is that to say? It has been hard for him to endure and I am embarrassed that I might even think that listening to my best friend describe his issues would be hard for me – sorry brother. I listened and try to understand as he described a sour taste and phlegmyness, then the sore throat and inability to swallow food. From there it went to that radiation sunburn on his neck and face to now his teeth are very sore and hurt and his saliva glands are slowing down production, which creates a whole new other set of maladies.
I try hard not make our time together awkward for him, or for me. Sometimes I get scared that I might say something or do something that will offend my friend or make him mad. I keep it loose and never presume he needs assistance with anything, I have to believe he will ask if he needs something. I can only imagine the reaction if I were to assume (and ask about helping with something specific) he needed help with something. I suspect he might think he is losing more control of his situation – I know I would. I am pretty sure my friend will read this so if you need something you need to tell me, I will do whatever you need without question – because you would do the same for me.
I find that we laugh a lot though, the other day he was telling me that the plastic mask they use to strap him down to a board to hold everything in place while the treatment is underway was getting looser and more comfortable because he was losing weight. We laughed about that, I told him he was an eternal optimist, able to find and appreciate the fact that the mask did not hurt as bad because the radiation treatments were making him lose weight. We laughed and laughed, he is so strong in his approach to these treatments, what is going to happen is going to happen he says. I quit drinking a long time ago but almost every time I stop by lately, mostly after work I share a beer with my great friend. On my last visit, due to the treatments, he could not swallow so he ended up pouring it out in the bushes. I think that frustrated him to no end but I did not say anything although I did consider calling him a lightweight. We also laughed about his nurses at the treatment center. He told them before he was done with treatments that he wanted a picture taken. One that shows him strapped into the treatment apparatus with each of the two nurses each holding whips. I told him that has to be a day that I take you for the treatment because I want to take that picture!! He wants to use that as his profile picture on Facebook – we laughed some more, I love that guy!
So why did I run through that when I started about the cool side of a pillow and the meaning of life? Well what I was reminded of is that ALL things in life are fleeting and will change soon enough. You cannot hold on to moments in time, that cool side of the pillow quickly changes to the warm side. I can’t predict the outcome of my friend’s treatments, but I can just spend time with my buddy, being present for him – whatever that means.
That cool side of the pillow is it, I got the meaning of life from it. We have to work HARD to live in the moment, life is nothing but a series of moments – each of which we need to treasure. Kind of like a series of snapshots in time, watching as the march of time pushes our snapshots across our life – there is no stopping it no matter what. One moment we are looking at one snapshot and the next moment that one is gone and the next one presents itself. That cool side of the pillow, it is fabulous and then it gets warm. Instead of missing the coolness we need to stop and enjoy that snapshot of when it is cool and know that it, like all things in life are fleeting and ever changing. The moments come and go and if we spend all of our time anticipating the next one or trying to hold onto the ones that have past we miss the ones that are present, right there in front of us.
I guess it could be equated to the phrase, stop and smell the roses but to me it so much more. I want to be present for my buddy, to listen to whatever he wants to talk about. The past is gone and the future is unknown, enjoy the conversation and laugh at the mental picture of him strapped in a radiation mask to a board while the nurses are holding whips. Sorry buddy but if I get that picture it will be on facebook!
The one constant in life is that it will change and it will change no matter our efforts to hold onto it or to predict it. No matter the circumstance, life is a hell of ride and if we spend our time bitching about standing in line of life while we wait to get on the ride we are missing the point. Waiting in line is ride. Stop and just be present, watch others or watch yourself, strike up a conversation with a friend, with a stranger, give some change to those less fortunate but whatever you do, don’t let the wait ruin your day because life is in that snapshot of time you spend waiting.
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