My immediate response was, marry your best friend. After thinking about it some more, I still think that is the secret to our success, we are still, best friends. We started dating a long time ago now but after all this time we still do not sweat the small stuff. When we first started living together, and yes that was in the barracks at a little base in Maryland, we talked bluntly about our expectations. When I say expectations, I mean about everything from how the lid was to be installed on the toothpaste tube to how to position the chair when pushed under the table. We talked about EVERYTHING, and still do. I remember one of our first dates Bride telling me, “no one is going to take your food”. I was a seafaring sailor and when out to sea in rough weather one might wrap their arm around the tray that held that days gruel. While that was perfectly acceptable on a ship full of men when trying to keep ones tray in front of ones self and not on the floor, it was not quite as acceptable at a restaurant while on a date – who knew was my response? Well I am glad she told me instead of just determining there was something permanently wrong with me and running away like her ass was on fire and her head was catching. I guess I was so used to eating like that I did not even notice how odd it actually was.
I remember taking her back to my hometown of Millerstown Ohio, which to some might seem a little odd and potentially Steven King like. She did hit it off with Granny and my Dad but was concerned that if we were to continue our relationship she might end living up there. And, she told me so, I laughed and told her I had NO plans to move back to Ohio when my military service was up. We talked about the “L” word but we never used it, no need. We were going to hang out with each other until we got tired of it and then we would go our own separate ways. That was until one day nearly 2 years into our relationship we said it, we loved each other. I remember the feeling, I already knew I was in love with her but it was the “L” word thing. I think it was three days later when I got a ring and proposed. Seems funny looking back, say I love you and three days later, I was on bended knee with ring. By the time I love you came tumbling out we were already in a committed relationship, I knew she was the one and she knew I was the other one. We set no date, we were just engaged and we decided in a few years we may legalize the long date I think is how she put it. Makes me laugh remembering, she always has made me laugh. We were married a while later and have been laughing together every since.
There are lots of things and lots of reasons it works, some complex and some just simple things. Sometimes no words or explanations can describe the feeling I get when I see her smiling at me, she is so special to me. My heart still races when I hear her say I love you. I can count the fights we have had in 20 years on one finger, we just don’t let things reach the level that we are pissed off, because no one makes very good choices when they are pissed. Talking about it, whatever it is - seems to be working for us. We do not take each other for granted, when we were dating I remember people watching. It is still a hobby of ours by the way. Anyway we would pick out the people, especially eating out, who were married, the ones who were dating and the ones who were on that ever important first date. Some married folks can get all the way through diner without as much as word to each other. I pray I never get that disinterested in my bride – if I do someone shoot me, in the head and multiple times! We kiss each time we separate and each time we meet back up, maybe not from the back yard to the front but if one of is leaving the house we always kiss and say we love you. Life is too short to take that little step for granted.
We have, over time, figured out what chores we wanted to do and oddly that has worked out. She does the laundry because I hate to and she does not complain when I seem unable to get my socks right side out when I take them off – ever. I take care of the yard because she does not like messing with the landscaping, bugs and worms are not her thing. I take care of the trash, she takes care of the dishes, I take care of vehicle maintenance and she takes care of dinner. Seems like a simple enough thing right, then why doesn’t it work for some folks? We do these things because the other one does not like to and we don’t hold that against one another. I am not saying that I have never done dishes or that Bride has never toted the trash but our routine works for us. It seems that maybe it is just being courteous to each other, taking her feelings into account first when making decisions or doing things. I like to make her happy and whatever I have to do to see her smile is worth it to me, and she feels the same about me. It is not hard, if you really love the person, and we do – MADLY.
A number of years into our journey we also discovered something else, we are really odd people and most likely no one else would have either one of us. We are each others lot in life, I for one love my lot. I am not saying that we have not had rough spots on our trip, we have. We have made VERY good money and we have been so broke we could not pay attention. We have ridden through the loss of parents and the loss of friends. We have watched friends start dating and to see those unions blossom into meaningful relationships that have produced couples with kids – you have been a special joy Scott and Sarah – and now Jack. We have been through two back surgeries and all that is involved with that. We have chased what we thought were our dreams and then realized that it was actually our dreams chasing us. We have reevaluated what was important to us and made life adjustments together, some easy, some not so much. The most important thing was that we kept each other first - always. We have dealt with addiction and helped others climb that mountain. We are still working our way through a bipolar disorder diagnosis, that part of the ride has been the most interesting to date but we are still moving forward and we are still together – still watching other people and being amused. We have adjusted our course so many times that it makes me wonder, in awe, as I look back on our journey so far how lucky a man I am.
As we examine our lives we begin to realize that some people come into our lives and pass quickly by but the impact of those short relationships can be powerful and life changing. Other folks we meet on the ride stay come in and stay awhile, they track footprints across our hearts and they change us forever. Someone, somewhere said “love is like temporary madness”, I could not disagree more. Love to me is more like a great pair of jeans, broke in and comfortable. As great as that puppy love was at the beginning of our relationship the deeper love that has evolved from that is so much better and I wish that feeling for everyone I know. To me true love is what is left over when “being in love” has burned away, it is truly beautiful art and I am so fortunate to have gotten to sit and stare for a while and figure out what it means to me. So my parting advice would be this, be slow in choosing your friends and even slower in choosing your best friend and be even slower in attempting to change them – then marry them!
I Love you Sandy, thanks for being my Best Friend and sharing this great ride with me!
BTW, she has been taking a nap on her chair, less than two feet from me, while I wrote this
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