Today, I am Unapologetically Mad as Hell

And maybe that’s exactly where grief decided to take me today, damn it!   After months of sadness, loneliness, and learning how to find the new balance of me, myself, and I.  I did not expect anger to come casually strolling in with boxing gloves on and start throwing punches like Mike fucking Tyson, but here we are, damn it! 

I am not angry at Sandy, at all.  I am not necessarily angry at anyone.  I am angry at the universe for fucking up our plans without consulting us first.  I am angry the world only stopped for a femtosecond.  I am angry that life moves on for everyone else.  I am angry that our lives are so fragile.  Today, isn’t a day for a lesson, or gratitude, or looking for silver linings.  Today is a day for being mad as hell.  Not because I miss her, I miss Bride everyday.  I am mad as hell because there are days when the unfairness of it all hits me like a train and I have no way to deflect and no fucking place to put it.  

Maybe part of what fuels this anger is that I have spent my life fixing things.  Give me a broken machine, struggling system, a worn out engine, a 63 year old car, and I always seem to find a path forward.  This though, is a problem I cannot diagnose, repair, rebuild, or improve, and that pisses me off.  I’m angry that a future we spent decades building vanished before we got to experience it.

I am not angry that Bride is gone, I am angry because she mattered to me.  I am angry because a love like ours deserved more time than we got.  I am angry because a person doesn’t get that kind of love and then simply shrug it off when their human is gone.  Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, FUCK!!

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel something different.  Maybe grief will decide to take me somewhere else for a bit.  I am learning not to argue with it, it doesn’t care about no stinking schedule anyway, damn it!!   What I do know is that my Beautiful Bride was worth loving, she was worth planning a future with, and she was damn sure worth being mad as hell about losing that future together.  The anger is there because of the love we had, and that’s what I miss. 

She is supposed to be right there universe.  Damn you!  

So today, I am unapologetically mad as hell.  And that, as Forrest Gump would say, is all I have to say about that!