Through My Eyes

There was always one gift I was not able to give to Bride, one that I wanted to give her more than anything else.  It wasn’t about more money, a bigger house, better health or oddly enough, more time.  I would have given anything to give her the ability to see herself through my eyes, even if only for a few minutes.  Because if she could have seen that, she would have understood what the rest of us knew, that she was a beautifully amazing human in every way that could be measured.

There were times when she would say something about herself that absolutely broke my heart.  Not because it was true, but because it wasn’t even close to being true.  There were times that she would talk about her self worth, her appearance, or whether she still mattered.  I would sit there wondering how in the world could this woman I love sit there describing herself as something completely different than the woman in front of me.  Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves in our head are quite different than reality, it can be an absolutely vicious cycle.

What she sometimes struggled to understand was that nobody else saw the perceived flaws she worried about.  We both dealt with social anxiety but hers often turned excitement into worry, even when we were headed to spend time with friends.  While she focused on everything she thought was wrong with herself, the rest of us saw something entirely different.  

There were thousands of times when I tried to convince her otherwise.  I told her she was beautiful every morning, actually each morning I kissed her and said morning beautiful.  I reminded her of all the people who loved her for who she was.  I pointed out things she did for others without a second thought.  I would share bits of the conversations that happened when she stepped away or out of the room.  Everyone knew how kind she was, how funny she was, and how much they enjoyed being around her.  No one cared much about the length of her hair, or the color.  No one cared about how much she did or didn’t weigh or the wrinkles on her face.  And somehow, my words never seemed to carry the weight I wanted them to, nor were they able sneak past her wall in those moments. 

We would be getting ready to go to see dear friends and she would stand there criticizing herself from head to toe.  Hair won’t do what it’s supposed to do, shoes don’t match the outfit or the outfit was just not flattering, or this thing or the other.  Meanwhile I just stood there reminding her that she was an absolute knockout.  And then I would remind her these were some of our best friends and they will not give a shit about any of those things, they will be happy to see ya, get to hug your neck and hang out. 

Every single time it was the same story.  We get home or everyone leaves and she would tell me how much fun she had.  She would talk about the conversations, the laughter, and how good it felt to spend time with folks she cared deeply about.  And for a moment, the doubts would be quiet.  And for a time, the woman everyone saw would step forward.  Pure Bride, funny, kind, and completely herself.

The hardest part for me wasn’t trying to understand why she felt that way. 

The hardest part was knowing there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to fix it. 

Even after 38 years together, this was one battle I could never win.  Not because she didn’t trust me or because she didn’t believe I loved her.  She knew both of those things beyond any shred of doubt.  It was simple, I was trying to compete with a voice that had lived in her head longer than I had.  

Looking back now, I still find myself wishing for the impossible.  I wish I could have handed her my eyes for just five minutes.  Not forever, not even for a day.  Just long enough for her to see what we all saw.  The woman whose friends adored her.  The woman who made people laugh when they needed it the most.  The woman who somehow made everyone around her feel welcome, accepted and loved.  The woman who mattered far more than she ever gave herself credit for. 

If there is one gift I still wish I could have given Bride, it would have been the chance to see herself through my eyes, just once. 

I honestly think she would have been surprised by what she saw.