POLIO!!

Well, I suspect that got your attention, at least those that know what that is.  Before anyone gets their dander up, this post is not about the disease, for us it was one of those funny little things married folks say.  For the record, neither of us ever used it to make fun of anyone who had actually been touched by that horrific disease.  It was just one of those absurd phrases that somehow became part of the Smith family vocabulary.  In our house, calling polio first was a legally binding declaration that the person who called it didn’t have to do shit, and the other one had to do anything and everything they wanted.

I have no idea how we came to play that game or even when, but we did for as long as I can remember. There were no boundaries that were out of bounds.  No time of day that it couldn’t be called.  No situation or location that it couldn’t be called.  It was a universal thing, calling Polio meant you were done doing any damn thing else.  The statute of limitations lasted until the following day.  When one of us called Polio, that was it, no discussion, no arguments, it was full stop.

There were times when Polio was the very first word I heard when I woke up.  We were not allowed to call pre-polio though, meaning you could not call polio for the next day.  It was a game of strategy, the earlier ya called it, the better your odds were of having a day of luxurious laziness, in whatever form you wanted that to happen.  It could be having your ass glued to the couch, having the other fetch snacks, drinks, Dairy Queen runs or whatever else your suddenly important ass might require from the other.

In other situations, it was deployed as an emergency measure.  One of us might have spent the morning doing chores, mowing the grass, cleaning, running errands, doing laundry or any of the other shit adults are supposed to be doing.  When one of us hit a wall, we’d look at the other and quickly say polio!!  And just like that, the quickest draw determined how much better their day was about to become.  Cleaning the pool could wait.  Dishes could wait.  The world would somehow continue to rotate without our participation.

Bride was a Billy the Kid kinda polio caller, dangerously quick and deadly accurate.  It could be first thing in the morning, could be while we were at breakfast, could be while we were in the pool and she wanted a bullfrog, that’s a drink.  I don’t want ya to think I was a pokey butt about it, I was more Marshal Dillon speed.  Still quick enough to survive and thrive but Billy the Kid I was not.  I suspect over time it was pretty equal in who worked for who for the rest of the day, her probably with a slight edge. 

The best polio days, if there could be such a thing, were those days neither of us had a damn thing that absolutely needed doing.  We’d spend the day taking turns having polio while we were watching movies, taking naps or making unnecessary Dairy Queen runs.  Basically, being slugs and completely unproductive members of society.  Once when we both had polio, our niece made that run for us from across town.  She was like one or two people who knew the game because they lived with us for a while.  I read that story at Bride’s celebration of life, Niece had shared it with me to read.  Looking back, I am pretty sure we were better at doing nothing than most other people are, I’d go as far as saying we were world champion polio players.

Polio was but one little corner of the ecosystem of hilarity that the two of us created for ourselves.  I guess every couple that lasts long enough develops their own secret language.  Not a real one, their own personal shorthand.  The little phrases, private jokes, nicknames for each other (and body parts), references no one else gets, and rules that make no sense to anyone outside the relationship.  Somewhere along the way, calling polio, became one of ours.  I honestly don’t remember the origin story of it.  I just remember it existed, for as long as I can remember.

Polio was never really about getting out of chores.  We both worked hard.  We went to work, we paid the bills, fixed the broken things, took the trash out and worried about all the things adults worry about in their day to day of doing the dang thing.  Polio was about permission.  Permission to stop down.  Permission to be lazy for a bit.  Permission to laugh at the thought that every minute of every day needed to be productive.  It was permission to choose another movie, a nap, a DQ Oreo blizzard or just each other.

I never once considered that one day, our entire language would go extinct or at least become orphaned.  The one we spent decades building.  The construction materials were inside jokes, nicknames, shared references, and ridiculous words like polio.  It feels weird, all the words are still here.  All the jokes are still here.  It is just me now that understands what they mean.  It is like being the keeper of the stories that no one else knows, I have written about that before, but this feels different. The stories are still here, but the language they were written in has disappeared.   

I have caught myself, on weekends mostly, thinking about it.   There seems to be more things to do than I can keep up with, and somehow, I find myself thinking this would be a perfect polio day.  Something stupid on TV to look at, a nap perhaps or a chocolate malt from dairy queen.  That familiar thought, everything can wait until tomorrow.  Then it hits me, Bride isn’t here for the quickdraw.

I guess that is going to be a big part of the ride grief has in store for me.  It isn’t just that Bride is gone, it’s the thousands of tiny things that only existed between us.  Traditions, shared jokes, secret languages.  Probably no one will ever call polio around here again, it is a cherished part of our story.   For all the years we spent doing the dang thing, we made sure we had time for silliness and dumbassedness.  I mean, we created our own damn language.  We made our own rules and lived by them.  We built our own little world, and we loved every minute of living in it.  

And it makes me laugh to think if somehow Bride were reading this, she’d beat me one last time – POLIO