Grief is Love with Nowhere to Go

I always have music going, and lately I have ventured out from my normal playlists a bit.   A couple of songs in particular have been swirling around in my head.  They are very different songs, but they all seem to speak to the same truth.  Eventually life strips away everything that doesn’t matter.  

The “Last Phone Call” by Buster Michaels tells the story about a man who knows he is dying and gets one last chance to call the people he loves.  For me, I didn’t really get that.   I did speak to Bride somewhere between a few minutes and 3 hours before she passed.  Neither of us knew it would be our last phone call.  Neither of us knew that our last words to each other would be “I love ya damn it”.  It wasn’t a dramatic conversation.  There were no profound declarations or final goodbyes.  It was an ordinary day filled with ordinary words about ordinary life. 

If I had a dime for every time since April that I have thought, I can’t wait to tell Bride about this, I could probably retire.  Not because anything major happened.  Mostly it was about the mundanity of the day to day of our lives.  A picture going through the car wash.  A ridiculous billboard on the side of the road.  Some dumb shit Larry did or progress on the Galaxie.  Some success, some stumble, or just a funny story at work.  Nothing that mattered would have made the evening news.  Every one of them mattered enough that I wanted to share it with her. 

I find myself reaching for my phone a lot thinking about a quick text or call.  Haha, she would also include a weird looking clown emoji in texts.  That of course was in addition to hearts and emojis of love.  My first instinct when seeing a dumbass doing dumbass things is to call her or at least get a picture for her.  The love still needs somewhere to go, and my reflex is to share it with her.   In many ways, I hope that reflex to share with her never goes away.

“Grief Is Only Love” by Stephen Wilson is another one that keeps getting stuck in my head lately.  The title alone hits me hard, because it strips away all the bullshit and condenses grief down to its simplest form.  I have heard grief described as a separate emotion.  I am not sure that’s right.  Maybe grief is just love after love loses its address.    

All the things that come to mind that are connected to my loss aren’t the big things.  They are the places that love used to go, every day.  Text messages, phone calls, and random stories.  The constant stream of little obscure moments that made up our life together.  Love is still here, the need to share it is still here.  The only thing different is the person I spent a lifetime sharing those moments with isn’t here to receive them.

Maybe that's why grief can feel so strange. Nothing is wrong with the love. The love is doing exactly what it has always done. It's reaching outward. It's looking for the person who has been on the other end of the conversation for years.  On April 21^st, the conversation ended.  The love didn’t.  It still shows up every day looking for somewhere to go.  The love is still expecting someone to be on the other end laughing at the punchline.

All of this reminded me of the funeral scene in Waking Ned Devine.   Jackie said that the words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the very front and hear what was said, maybe even have a little cry yourself.  She would have had a lot more funny stories than I shared at the service.  And truth be told, she probably would have told them better.   

He spoke about growing old together, and when they laughed, they were young again.  He wrapped that up by saying his friend was a great man and thanked him for being his friend.  Sandy and I grew old together, and we were young again when we laughed, which we did a lot.  If she could hear me now, I wanna say you were a great, friend, lover, partner in crime, and I wanna thank ya for picking me as your life partner.

The funny thing is, I still find myself wanting to tell her all of that, and more.  Grief hasn’t changed the message, it has only changed where I send it.  Maybe Stephen Wilson Jr. has it right.  Maybe grief really is just love.  Love that still expects somebody to be on the other end of the conversation. 

On April 21^st the conversation ended.  The love did not - Damn it!!  

The Day I Took Off the Necklace

For those who don’t know, two days after Bride passed, I went to a pawn shop and bought a necklace.  For those who know me, you know I am not a jewelry type dude, I don’t even wear a watch.  The only thing I have worn, every day, was my wedding ring.  It might seem weird, like it did for me, to buy one.  I needed a place to keep her rings, somewhere close.  I have not taken those rings off, not for sleeping, not for working on the Galaxie, or showering, not once.

We always started at pawn shops when looking for jewelry, one of her sets was from a pawn shop.  She wore only that for a very long time.  When we were in Oregon, I had another one made for her.  She wanted a wide band with a square diamond.  I found the ring, a wider man’s gold band, and I liked the look of it.  Then I found a pair of solitaire earrings that looked perfect, setting and all.  The jeweler made them for a customer who never came back.  I convinced him to break up the pair, snip off the post, and solder one directly on the band, and voila, a ring for Bride.  

It helped me a lot in the days since then.  Without really thinking about it, touching those rings became part of how I moved through my grief.  First thing I touched when I woke up.  The last thing I touched before going to sleep.  And a hundred times in between.  In meetings, driving down the road, sitting alone in the house when it was quiet.  When my fingers found those rings, somehow everything felt a bit steadier.

After a while I stopped paying attention to how often I touched them.  Reaching for them had become automatic.  For 87 days my hand found them without thinking about it.  First thing in the morning, last thing at night and a hundred times between.  If you had asked me when I bought that necklace if there would ever be a day when I didn’t need to reach for those rings, I’d have said there wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell. 

Sometime this afternoon it occurred to me that I hadn’t touched the rings all day.  It felt a little strange.   For the last 87 days my hand found them without even thinking.  My first reaction was something was wrong.  Not with the necklace.  With me.  Had I just been too busy to notice?  Too distracted?  Was I getting used to grief the same way you stop noticing  a wedding ring after wearing it for years?   I wasn’t sure I liked any of those answers.  I reached up and touched them, and they were exactly where they’ve been.  Same necklace, same rings, same bit of comfort that carried me through some very hard days.

But something was different.  I shifted over to one of my ponder chairs and spent some ponder time on that thought.  The longer I sat with it, the harder it was to believe something was wrong.  Then it occurred to me that maybe I had been looking at this backwards.  The necklace was never carrying Bride.  It was carrying her rings.  Bride was in a thousand other places.  She was in the stories I tell.  The habits we built together over nearly 40 years.  The little phrases I still catch myself saying because she used them so often.  The way I see the world.  The way I show love.  And the way I go through my days, trying to spool more good into the universe than I do negative.  Those things defined who we were.

She is in every room of this house, not because her things are here, but because our life was happening here.  She is in the Galaxie because every decision I make on that car was shaped by something we dreamed about or planned together.  She is baked into my routines.  Hell, she is in some of the sentences I write without even realizing it.

The necklace has done exactly what I needed it to do.

In those first days, when the loss felt so overwhelming that I needed something tangible to hold on to, something to anchor me, and it gave me that.  Every time my fingers found those rings, it reminded me that what we had was real.  That she was real.  That nearly four decades together actually happened.  Today I realized that I didn’t need a tangible thing to remind me of her.  Not because I miss her less.  Not because I loved her less.  And certainly not because I had forgotten her.    

The truth was exactly the opposite.  Somewhere between day one and day 87 since she passed, I think I finally understood something I probably should have known all along.  Bride was never hanging around my neck.  She had already worked her way into every part of who I am. 

The necklace was carrying her rings.  I will be carrying her for the rest of my days.  So, this evening, I took it off.  It now sits in a small dish, made by a friend after she passed, on my nightstand. 

Somehow, Bride doesn’t feel any farther away.

Smitty’s Technology Free Zone

You probably would not expect the average Chief Technology Officer to have a place called the Technology Free Zone.  Truth be told, I have always had a complicated relationship with average and normal.  If you have known me for more than 10 minutes, you already know that I have never really done normal in any aspect of my life. 

The Technology Free Zone isn’t complicated.  It’s just my garage.  It is a place where the only thing asking for my attention is whatever old assed thing I happen to be tinkering with.     There are no software compatibility questions, no firmware updates, and no Docker servers.  Just an old tube radio providing the soundtrack while I work. 

In a world that seems determined to demand my attention every few seconds, the garage asks only one thing of me.  When I walk out there, it asks me to be absolutely present.  It does not matter if I am building a table, restoring an old drill press, or wrenching on a car.  It is one of my Zen spots for sure.

These days, the thing dominating the garage is a 1963 Galaxie Convertible.  Bride and I had agreed to do a bunch of work to improve reliability, even setting aside the funds to do it.  I’ve gotten the rear suspension and drive train removed.  I have most of the new parts and most of the ones staying are cleaned up.  That comes with a tediousness that I find relaxing.  Scraping off decades of mung, and I am not talking about the small green legume.  This work takes zero brain power, it just takes doing the dang thing. 

This work is quite the opposite of my job.  That revolves around solving problems with knowledge.  My Galaxie cares little about how smart I am.  And as a certain small green Jedi once taught an entire generation, there are moments in life when less thinking and more doing is exactly what is required.  That is the way of things in my garage.

Bride’s opinion of this kind of work was pretty straightforward.  “Why do you even like doing this?” she’d ask.  “It looks like a giant pain in the ass.” And if I were only looking at a pile of greasy road caked suspension parts on the bench, it was hard to argue with her assessment.  The best answer I ever came up with was that this kind of work doesn’t ask me anything other than being present. 

The Jalopy parts don’t care about my title.  They don’t care about strategy documents, budgets, or technology roadmaps.  The only thing the parts care about is whether I am willing to spend the time to clean them up and put them back together correctly.  If I am being honest, I don’t really enjoy the cleaning parts, nobody does.  What I do enjoy is the space just doing the dang thing creates.  It gives my brain a place to land.  Mindlessness.  There isn’t much room for worrying about tomorrow when you’re focused on a wire brush defunkifying a part that has been collecting crud since John F. Kennedy was in office.

I have done this kind of work on cars for a long time and have come to love it in an odd Smitty kinda way.  But this time feels different.  Somewhere in the methodicalness, between the scraping, cleaning and painting of all the bits, it occurred to me that the Galaxie wasn’t the only thing being repaired and restored. 

I don’t mean restored in any sort of Hollywood ending kinda way, we all know real life doesn’t work like that.  And there is no replacement part for losing someone you love.  What I mean is simpler.  Somewhere along the way I had lost track of how much I enjoy the process of making something better with my own two hands.  The Galaxie wasn’t fixing my grief, it wasn’t fixing my loneliness, and it wasn’t going to bring Bride back.  Maybe that’s why I keep showing up.  I believe both of us still have a few miles left in us.

The other night I was sitting in the garage ponder chair waiting on paint to dry on a couple of parts.  Just me, sitting and staring.  Not because they were particularly impressive, they weren’t.  I was staring and pondering on their transformation.  From a grungy old funkified part a week ago to now a shiny freshly painted part, actually it was matte paint but you get the idea.  No one but me will probably ever see them once I reinstalled them under the car, but I know what they look like.  Nobody restores a car for what it is today.  We do it because we know it can become tomorrow.  Every part cleaned, every bushing replaced, every hour spent in the garage is a small vote for a future that does not yet exist.  Maybe that’s what the Technology Free Zone has really been giving me all along.  Not an escape from technology, but a place quite enough to notice I was changing too.  

I can almost hear Bride asking the question again.  “You spent how many hours cleaning that up?”  She never understood the appeal.  Then again, I guess she didn’t have to.  She understood me, and that was enough.  Well, that and she loved riding around in this convertible. 

There is still a long way to go on the old Girl.  There are boxes of parts yet to be opened, even more yet to be ordered.  I am sure there will be a few surprises around the corner, that is just how it works with old cars.  So, it is with life as well, more boxes, more surprises.  For now, I am content to spend a few hours in the garage, listening to an oldies station on my old tube radio and working on whatever bit is next in line to be worked on.

The goal started as improving the reliability of a 1963 Galaxie 500 convertible.  These days, I am not entirely sure that is the only thing being restored.  I just know that every part cleaned, every bolt turned, and every evening spent in my Technology Free Zone leaves something a little better tomorrow than it was today. 

The Galaxie isn’t finished.  Neither am I.

Through My Eyes

There was always one gift I was not able to give to Bride, one that I wanted to give her more than anything else.  It wasn’t about more money, a bigger house, better health or oddly enough, more time.  I would have given anything to give her the ability to see herself through my eyes, even if only for a few minutes.  Because if she could have seen that, she would have understood what the rest of us knew, that she was a beautifully amazing human in every way that could be measured.

There were times when she would say something about herself that absolutely broke my heart.  Not because it was true, but because it wasn’t even close to being true.  There were times that she would talk about her self worth, her appearance, or whether she still mattered.  I would sit there wondering how in the world could this woman I love sit there describing herself as something completely different than the woman in front of me.  Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves in our head are quite different than reality, it can be an absolutely vicious cycle.

What she sometimes struggled to understand was that nobody else saw the perceived flaws she worried about.  We both dealt with social anxiety but hers often turned excitement into worry, even when we were headed to spend time with friends.  While she focused on everything she thought was wrong with herself, the rest of us saw something entirely different.  

There were thousands of times when I tried to convince her otherwise.  I told her she was beautiful every morning, actually each morning I kissed her and said morning beautiful.  I reminded her of all the people who loved her for who she was.  I pointed out things she did for others without a second thought.  I would share bits of the conversations that happened when she stepped away or out of the room.  Everyone knew how kind she was, how funny she was, and how much they enjoyed being around her.  No one cared much about the length of her hair, or the color.  No one cared about how much she did or didn’t weigh or the wrinkles on her face.  And somehow, my words never seemed to carry the weight I wanted them to, nor were they able sneak past her wall in those moments. 

We would be getting ready to go to see dear friends and she would stand there criticizing herself from head to toe.  Hair won’t do what it’s supposed to do, shoes don’t match the outfit or the outfit was just not flattering, or this thing or the other.  Meanwhile I just stood there reminding her that she was an absolute knockout.  And then I would remind her these were some of our best friends and they will not give a shit about any of those things, they will be happy to see ya, get to hug your neck and hang out. 

Every single time it was the same story.  We get home or everyone leaves and she would tell me how much fun she had.  She would talk about the conversations, the laughter, and how good it felt to spend time with folks she cared deeply about.  And for a moment, the doubts would be quiet.  And for a time, the woman everyone saw would step forward.  Pure Bride, funny, kind, and completely herself.

The hardest part for me wasn’t trying to understand why she felt that way. 

The hardest part was knowing there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to fix it. 

Even after 38 years together, this was one battle I could never win.  Not because she didn’t trust me or because she didn’t believe I loved her.  She knew both of those things beyond any shred of doubt.  It was simple, I was trying to compete with a voice that had lived in her head longer than I had.  

Looking back now, I still find myself wishing for the impossible.  I wish I could have handed her my eyes for just five minutes.  Not forever, not even for a day.  Just long enough for her to see what we all saw.  The woman whose friends adored her.  The woman who made people laugh when they needed it the most.  The woman who somehow made everyone around her feel welcome, accepted and loved.  The woman who mattered far more than she ever gave herself credit for. 

If there is one gift I still wish I could have given Bride, it would have been the chance to see herself through my eyes, just once. 

I honestly think she would have been surprised by what she saw.

POLIO!!

Well, I suspect that got your attention, at least those that know what that is.  Before anyone gets their dander up, this post is not about the disease, for us it was one of those funny little things married folks say.  For the record, neither of us ever used it to make fun of anyone who had actually been touched by that horrific disease.  It was just one of those absurd phrases that somehow became part of the Smith family vocabulary.  In our house, calling polio first was a legally binding declaration that the person who called it didn’t have to do shit, and the other one had to do anything and everything they wanted.

I have no idea how we came to play that game or even when, but we did for as long as I can remember. There were no boundaries that were out of bounds.  No time of day that it couldn’t be called.  No situation or location that it couldn’t be called.  It was a universal thing, calling Polio meant you were done doing any damn thing else.  The statute of limitations lasted until the following day.  When one of us called Polio, that was it, no discussion, no arguments, it was full stop.

There were times when Polio was the very first word I heard when I woke up.  We were not allowed to call pre-polio though, meaning you could not call polio for the next day.  It was a game of strategy, the earlier ya called it, the better your odds were of having a day of luxurious laziness, in whatever form you wanted that to happen.  It could be having your ass glued to the couch, having the other fetch snacks, drinks, Dairy Queen runs or whatever else your suddenly important ass might require from the other.

In other situations, it was deployed as an emergency measure.  One of us might have spent the morning doing chores, mowing the grass, cleaning, running errands, doing laundry or any of the other shit adults are supposed to be doing.  When one of us hit a wall, we’d look at the other and quickly say polio!!  And just like that, the quickest draw determined how much better their day was about to become.  Cleaning the pool could wait.  Dishes could wait.  The world would somehow continue to rotate without our participation.

Bride was a Billy the Kid kinda polio caller, dangerously quick and deadly accurate.  It could be first thing in the morning, could be while we were at breakfast, could be while we were in the pool and she wanted a bullfrog, that’s a drink.  I don’t want ya to think I was a pokey butt about it, I was more Marshal Dillon speed.  Still quick enough to survive and thrive but Billy the Kid I was not.  I suspect over time it was pretty equal in who worked for who for the rest of the day, her probably with a slight edge. 

The best polio days, if there could be such a thing, were those days neither of us had a damn thing that absolutely needed doing.  We’d spend the day taking turns having polio while we were watching movies, taking naps or making unnecessary Dairy Queen runs.  Basically, being slugs and completely unproductive members of society.  Once when we both had polio, our niece made that run for us from across town.  She was like one or two people who knew the game because they lived with us for a while.  I read that story at Bride’s celebration of life, Niece had shared it with me to read.  Looking back, I am pretty sure we were better at doing nothing than most other people are, I’d go as far as saying we were world champion polio players.

Polio was but one little corner of the ecosystem of hilarity that the two of us created for ourselves.  I guess every couple that lasts long enough develops their own secret language.  Not a real one, their own personal shorthand.  The little phrases, private jokes, nicknames for each other (and body parts), references no one else gets, and rules that make no sense to anyone outside the relationship.  Somewhere along the way, calling polio, became one of ours.  I honestly don’t remember the origin story of it.  I just remember it existed, for as long as I can remember.

Polio was never really about getting out of chores.  We both worked hard.  We went to work, we paid the bills, fixed the broken things, took the trash out and worried about all the things adults worry about in their day to day of doing the dang thing.  Polio was about permission.  Permission to stop down.  Permission to be lazy for a bit.  Permission to laugh at the thought that every minute of every day needed to be productive.  It was permission to choose another movie, a nap, a DQ Oreo blizzard or just each other.

I never once considered that one day, our entire language would go extinct or at least become orphaned.  The one we spent decades building.  The construction materials were inside jokes, nicknames, shared references, and ridiculous words like polio.  It feels weird, all the words are still here.  All the jokes are still here.  It is just me now that understands what they mean.  It is like being the keeper of the stories that no one else knows, I have written about that before, but this feels different. The stories are still here, but the language they were written in has disappeared.   

I have caught myself, on weekends mostly, thinking about it.   There seems to be more things to do than I can keep up with, and somehow, I find myself thinking this would be a perfect polio day.  Something stupid on TV to look at, a nap perhaps or a chocolate malt from dairy queen.  That familiar thought, everything can wait until tomorrow.  Then it hits me, Bride isn’t here for the quickdraw.

I guess that is going to be a big part of the ride grief has in store for me.  It isn’t just that Bride is gone, it’s the thousands of tiny things that only existed between us.  Traditions, shared jokes, secret languages.  Probably no one will ever call polio around here again, it is a cherished part of our story.   For all the years we spent doing the dang thing, we made sure we had time for silliness and dumbassedness.  I mean, we created our own damn language.  We made our own rules and lived by them.  We built our own little world, and we loved every minute of living in it.  

And it makes me laugh to think if somehow Bride were reading this, she’d beat me one last time – POLIO

Knowing Everything I Knew, I Would Still Choose Bride

Even now, knowing how the story ends, it would still be her that I chose, EVERY SINGLE TIME!  The older we got, the more we knew life wasn’t about choosing someone once.  Love for us was about choosing each other again, and again and again.  Anyone can choose someone when they’re dating.  The real choosing starts after the puppy love, when we have seen each other tired, stubborn, scared shitless, imperfect, hurt, frustrated, grieving, aging, and just the unvarnished humans we were.  The funny thing is that the more I learned about Bride, the easier the choosing got. 

I got to thinking about this after listening to a song sung by Chris Stapleton and P!nk called “I will choose you a thousand times”.   I felt like during Bride and my time together this song could have been one of our anthems.   When we started seeing each other we were convinced this was nothing more than a fling.  We agreed that we would just be fuck buddies, her term, until we stopped having fun, and we never did.  When she got out of the Navy, she was going back to Texas, and that was that.  I learned much later that in the beginning she was afraid of us.  She had had her heart broken and she was afraid I would end up with the power to do that to her, and she did not want anyone to have that again, ever again.

We had our share of pain over the years.  We buried parents, and friends.  We worried about money at times.  We bickered about things that felt important in the moment but turned out to be ridiculously stupid minutes later.  We celebrated victories, banged through the potholes of life as we watched each other become more fully ourselves than the ones who started that “fling” all those years ago.  Through all of that journey, neither of us woke up one day and decided to stop choosing.   We used to joke that no one else would have either one of us, so it had to be us.    

The longer we were together, the less effort either of us spent putting up the façade we thought the other one wanted, or needed.  The filters went away.  The rough edges were exposed, like the opposite of how sanding a big ass chunk of walnut works.  The habits became the rhythm of our lives, and that included all the quirky, idiosyncratic nonsense we both carried.  Along the way, I stopped falling in love with the version of Bride I met, and simply fell in love with her, all of her. 

One of the things I learned was that Bride didn’t need saving from any of it.  She was more than capable of taking care of herself, and usually that is how that worked.  She was strong, courageous, independent, and stubborn as hell when she needed to be, and absolutely certain when she thought she was right, even if she wasn’t.  The funny thing was that the longer I knew her, the more those things became the very reason I chose her instead of reasons not to.

That stubborn bit, I bumped into that just a bit before she passed.  It had been a while, so it surprised me.  We had talked about putting a pool in our back yard, to the point of setting aside some cash to do it.  When the quotes came in and plans were sketched out, I started getting cold feet.  She wanted a pool back there.  I talked about the investment never being recouped, as is the way with pools, I talked about the economy, the length of time we might live here and how long we would use it.  All the logical things to think about, she didn’t care.

At the end of our last discussion, we were both exasperated and were probably talking past each other.  I went downstairs for a bit and when I came up, she was nowhere to be found.  We have an app on our iPad that tracks the locations of our phones.  I had never used it before and just tried calling her, but there was no answer each time.  I texted her and finally she texted back, she had gotten a hotel room and was going to stay there that night. I called until she answered, and she had the Terri Clark song, “I just wanna be mad” song playing in the background.  She was mad for a while, then I went up and we talked and then laughed and then came home.  We paid for a hotel room she was in for less than an hour. 

Looking back on that night now, it makes me smile.  Today what I remember most about that night, that right thar was Bride being Bride.  Determined, stubborn, certain and unwilling to back down when she believed in something.  It is silly little things like that that made choosing her so freaking easy.    

We always remembered that in situations like that, it was not me against her, or her against me.  It was us against the problem.  Some days we were better at remembering that than others.  But each and every time, one of us would play the “I just wanna be mad” card for the other one.  The goal was never to win an argument.  The goal, above all else, was preserving our relationship, making it easy to keep on choosing the other one.

Looking back now, I think one of the things I loved the most about Bride was that she never really became someone different.  She simply became more authentically herself over the years.  The directness that felt abrupt at the beginning became one of the things I admired most about her, the zero bullshit game was strong with this one.  The funny thing is that the things that surprised me about Bride in the beginning eventually became the things I treasured most.  Her stubborn streak, her orneriness, and her zero bullshit approach to life, that is what made the choosing easy.

Even now, knowing everything I know, the joy, the pain, the victories, the losses and yes even knowing how the story ends. 

It would still be her.

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Today, I am Unapologetically Mad as Hell

And maybe that’s exactly where grief decided to take me today, damn it!   After months of sadness, loneliness, and learning how to find the new balance of me, myself, and I.  I did not expect anger to come casually strolling in with boxing gloves on and start throwing punches like Mike fucking Tyson, but here we are, damn it! 

I am not angry at Sandy, at all.  I am not necessarily angry at anyone.  I am angry at the universe for fucking up our plans without consulting us first.  I am angry the world only stopped for a femtosecond.  I am angry that life moves on for everyone else.  I am angry that our lives are so fragile.  Today, isn’t a day for a lesson, or gratitude, or looking for silver linings.  Today is a day for being mad as hell.  Not because I miss her, I miss Bride everyday.  I am mad as hell because there are days when the unfairness of it all hits me like a train and I have no way to deflect and no fucking place to put it.  

Maybe part of what fuels this anger is that I have spent my life fixing things.  Give me a broken machine, struggling system, a worn out engine, a 63 year old car, and I always seem to find a path forward.  This though, is a problem I cannot diagnose, repair, rebuild, or improve, and that pisses me off.  I’m angry that a future we spent decades building vanished before we got to experience it.

I am not angry that Bride is gone, I am angry because she mattered to me.  I am angry because a love like ours deserved more time than we got.  I am angry because a person doesn’t get that kind of love and then simply shrug it off when their human is gone.  Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, FUCK!!

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel something different.  Maybe grief will decide to take me somewhere else for a bit.  I am learning not to argue with it, it doesn’t care about no stinking schedule anyway, damn it!!   What I do know is that my Beautiful Bride was worth loving, she was worth planning a future with, and she was damn sure worth being mad as hell about losing that future together.  The anger is there because of the love we had, and that’s what I miss. 

She is supposed to be right there universe.  Damn you!  

So today, I am unapologetically mad as hell.  And that, as Forrest Gump would say, is all I have to say about that!