Murphy's Maintenance Schedule

As a CTO and a mechanic, I fully understand the importance of preventative maintenance.  Generally speaking, it prevents a lot of corrective maintenance.  The math is pretty simple, whether talking about a TV transmitter, a old Jalopy, a house, a lawn, a table saw, or even ourselves.  When we ignore the maintenance schedules, it never ends well and on top of that, that fucker Murphy will ensure things will happen at the absolute worst moment.  Grief has taught me something I wasn’t expecting.  You can't run yourself indefinitely while deferring maintenance activities.

The funny thing is that I know a lot of people who don’t flush their water heater annually.  At the same time, I know a lot of folks who are pretty disciplined when it comes to their equipment.  Changing the oil when they are supposed to, swapping out the air filter in the HVAC and keeping the yard mowed and wilderness trimmed up.  Those maintenance activities allow us to see worn parts before they fail, keeping Murphy from getting a point in their column.  Inherently we know every piece of machinery keeps score, deferred maintenance always comes due at some point.

For some weird reason, we are terrible at applying that same logic to ourselves, for the most part.  Sure, we get our hair trimmed and keep our fingernails trimmed but it is so easy to ignore various aches and pains.  It’s so easy to postpone that doctor’s appointment.  We convince ourselves that we are simply too busy to deal with those little things because there are bigger things demanding our attention.  And then one day, BAM, one of those little things all of the sudden becomes a big thing.  And all the sudden, were dealing with corrective maintenance instead of just preventing it.

The last few months have given me plenty of opportunities to learn that lesson.  Between grief, work, the Galaxie, the house, and everything else life has thrown my way, Ive become pretty good at focusing on what needs fixed next.  What I haven't been nearly as good at is maintenance activities.  Sure, the truck has had its oil changed, the yard is getting mowed, the wilderness is getting beaten back.  But it feels very reactive, not responsive. 

Which is exactly how I found myself sitting in a message chair getting the Blossom Pedicure this afternoon.  Now if you had told 25 year old Smitty that one day I’d be getting pedicures, driving a convertible, writing about grief and spending evenings talking to a dog named Larry, he’d a laughed you right out of the room.  Hell, he ain’t much better at 61 so… 

It started with some pink stuff applied to my legs.  I have no idea what it was, but in automotive terms I’m fairly certain it was either a cleaner, a lubricant or some sort of surface preparation compound.  No explanation was offered and I wasn’t about to ask, at that point I was committed to the process.  Then came the nail work.  Trimming, cleaning, and what not.  Going barefooted a lot produces what some may call pretty funky dogs.  Then came scrubbing the toes with orange slices, yeah, an actual orange.  Apparently, fruit plays a larger role in modern podiatric maintenance than I’d previously understood.  Then she broke out what could only be called a cordless micro angle grinder.  She inspected my heels and selected an appropriate grit and got to work.  I felt simultaneously judged and professionally respected. 

Then came some purple stuff she messaged into my legs from the knee down.  It has the consistency of wheel bearing grease, with a medium grade abrasive.  If I had to guess, I swear it contained carborundum.  The fact it smelled of lavender suggests my assessment may not be entirely accurate.   Next my feet were sealed inside plastic bags containing orange colored wax.  Oddly enough, this seemed perfectly normal considering the sequence of events that proceeded it.  More message followed, then a bit of color on the big ones, a dark blue and metal flake blue.  An hour and 21 minutes after the process began, my dogs had been cleaned, ground, polished, lubricated, exfoliated, waxed, detailed and possibly ceramic coated.  I paid, tipped in cash and walked out the door feeling like I just visited the coolest service center ever. 

As I walked out to my truck, I found myself laughing at the whole experience.  Not because of the ridiculousness of it.  Not because my dogs looked and felt better than they had any right to.  But for an hour and twenty one minutes, somebody else’s job was to take care of the maintenance.  They may not sound like much, but this is my second ever maintenance of this type and it felt strangely unfamiliar.

The last few months have been filled with fixing things.  Solving problems and making all the decisions that need to be made when your human is no longer with ya.  The wheels keep right on turning.  There is always something that needs attention.  Something broken, something overdue, something demanding to be moved to the top of the list.  Somewhere in there I let myself get worked to the bottom of the list.  Intellectually, it is funny to me.  I would never treat a transmitter that way.  I would not ignore a bearing that is grumbling.  I would not skip an oil change, and I would not look at an obvious maintenance items and say, “I’ll get to that someday.”

Yet in many cases, that is exactly how we treat ourselves, how I was treating myself.  Greif has a way of narrowing our focus.  At first surviving the day is enough.  Later it becomes surviving the week, then the month.  Before ya know it, you’ve become pretty good at enduring and pretty lousy at maintenance.  Maybe that is why the pedicure surprised me.  not because of the orange slices, the wax bags or the miniature angle grinder.  Because for the first time in a while, I was actually performing some maintenance instead of waiting for corrective action.

Early on, Bride would ask why I spent so much time and money maintaining things.  The cars, the tools, the house, the yard, the tractor.  My answer was always the same.  Things last longer when ya take good care of them.  Murphy is still out there.  The Galaxie still needs a lot of work, and my hot water heater needs flushed.  My life did not suddenly become simpler because a nice lady attacked my heels with a cordless angle grinder.   But for once since all of this started, I put myself back on top of the maintenance schedule.

Bride would have found this whole experience hilarious, because it is.  Things last longer when ya take good care of them, period and all stop.  Apparently, that includes old mechanics, widowers and guys with metal flake blue toenails. 

Finding Out What the Words Meant

250 years ago today some folks didn’t just jot down some words, they wrote something bold enough to get them killed, and then they signed it anyway.  It was not a plan, it was not a policy, it was a belief and they would spend the next 8 years of war finding out what those words really meant.  Or as Thomas Paine put it at the time, "these are times that try men’s souls."   Words like “All men are created equal”, “endowed with certain unalienable rights”, and “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness”.  And right alongside them, “deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed”, and “right to alter or abolish”.  And they needed to explain why, “long train of abuses and usurpations”, and “design to reduce them under absolute despotism”.  And then, at the end when words weren’t enough, “we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor”.

The Declaration of Independence is a hell of document, and I would encourage you to take the time to go and read it again, or for the first time if you never have.   It was a break from the status quo… a refusal to go back.  It was an absolute refusal to continue to accept the inherited systems, we were no longer willing to do things the way things had always been done.  A declaration, with a metaphorical exclamation point that power comes from the people, not the rulers.   The declaration did not build anything.  It simply said that we believe in something different about how power should work. 

And then we had to figure out how to live with it.  Because believing in something is one thing, but once the shooting stops and dust settles, belief does not actually run anything, let alone a country.  It does not resolve conflict, it doesn’t balance power, and it damn sure does not account for the fact that people are well, people.  And people come in good flavors, bad flavors and indifferent flavors.  

Belief can inspire folks, it can unify them around a cause and it can even win a war.  But belief cannot govern anything.  And John Adams understood that too, writing to Abigail after independence day was approved, "I am well aware of the toil and blood and treasure, that it will cost us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these states."  The ideas were inspiring.  Living with them will be expensive.

So, they were left with the much harder problem.  Not just defending the idea, but building something that could survive, something that was durable over time.  Something that could take all of that inspirational language about equality, rights and consent and turn it into a system of government that could hold together over time, under pressure and in the hands of imperfect people.  

And here’s the thing, that work did not end in 1787.  The Constitution was not the finish line.  The Constitution was really just the starting gun for a new argument about what those words in the Declaration actually meant.  Over the last 250 years we have debated them, tested them, expanded them, ignored them, defending them and on way more than on occasion, we have fallen short, well short, of the inspiration.  While the words remained the same, we the people were the variable, the wild card in this grand experiment we call a country.  Any old school engineer will tell ya the same thing, the system diagram is usually the easy part.  The unpredictable variable is almost always the human standing next to it.

Time is funny that way.  It has no interest in what sounds good on paper.  Give an idea enough years and enough real world pressure, and it eventually reveals itself, kind of like a diamond – time and pressure.   Every generation gets handed the same box of parts.  The names change, the technology changes, the fashions definitely change.  The questions, however, stay remarkably similar.  What does freedom mean?  Who gets included?  How much power is too much power?  What do we owe one another?  None of us get to skip those questions, not if we are serious about searching for that more perfect union.  We just inherit them, wrestle with them for a while and then hand them off to those in the next generation who they themselves are seeking that more perfect union. 

I’ve spent a lot of time this year pondering on the difference between understanding something and carrying that thing.  Some lessons come from books, some from teachers or mentors, and others that just show up, whether invited or not.  Losing my Beautiful Bride taught me that.  There are words I used my whole life, love, commitment, partnership, grief and loss.  I thought I understood those words.  Then one day I found myself carrying them instead of defining them.  It turns out there is a tremendous difference between understanding a thing intellectually and actually living it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if that is what happened between the Declaration and the Constitution.  A group of folks wrote down the words they believed in, then spent years finding out those words actually come with a cost.  Not admiring them, not quoting them, not celebrating them on anniversaries.  Living into them, carrying them.  There is a gulch between simply believing in a thing and waking up every morning being responsible for it. 

One of the harder lessons from this year is realizing that some things are never really finished.  Grief isn’t.  Healing isn’t.  Learning how to live a life you didn’t plan for isn’t.  every day requires a little adjustment, a little recalibration, a little acceptance and a little hope.  The work doesn’t end because we wish it would.  We simply keep showing up and doing the next right thing, and then the next and repeat.  

It seems the American experiment works the same way.  The Declaration wasn’t finished in 1776.  The constitution wasn’t finished in 1787.  The project wasn’t finished after the civil war, the civil rights movement, or even today as we celebrate 250 years.  Each new generation inherits the work, leaves its fingerprints on it, makes a few repairs, and hopefully improves a few things on the journey on our way to that more perfect union.  The project was never the document, the project has always been us.  

250 years later, we’re still in that gap.  We still wrestle with questions about freedom, equality, fairness, opportunity and responsibility.  We have built an extraordinary country, but like the people who came before us, we are still trying to align our attitudes, systems and structures with our ideals.

And if I am being honest, this is the part of that experiment that worries me the most right now.  We have never lacked disagreement in our country.  In fact, disagreement was baked right into the system.  The founders have famously argued with each other constantly, how could we get those amazing founding documents without the tension of debate.  They debated, they compromised, they fought over ideas and occasionally drive each other crazy.  What they seemed to understand was that the person on the other side of the argument was still a key part of the grand experiment.  Lately it feels like we have lost a big chunk of that understanding.  We've become quicker to assume the worst, quicker to question motives, quicker to start with why we can’t instead of how we can.  And much slower to extend empathy to folks who simply see the world differently than we do.

Some days it almost seems against the rules to do that now, at least from my perspective.  It seems like we just talk past or around each other rather than simply listening to understand and speaking our truth responsibly.  We have divided ourselves into various teams, we have subdivided ourselves into groups based on any possible difference.  It seems like we may have forgotten that one of the earliest rallying cries from the American experiment wasn’t about winning an argument.  Above all else, it was about preserving the union, I seem to recall some words about that, united we stand, divided we fall, or something like that.

It feels like we have become very good at identifying what is wrong with everyone else and considerably less interested in examining ourselves.  The declaration speaks of equality, rights, consent and human dignity.  Those ideas require more than laws and institutions.  They require, above anything else, a willingness to see the humanity in one another, even when it feels the gap is too far, especially then.

We have built machines that can answer questions in seconds, we carry supercomputers in our pockets and can communicate with anyone on earth at the mash of a button on our device.  And yet somehow, we still struggle with the same human problems that a bunch of colonists wrestled with 250 years ago.  There are still days when it feels like we are drifting farther away from the simple ideals that formed the foundation of this whole thing.  We are in this together Y’all, that is the only way it works.  That does not mean we have to think alike.  That does not mean we have to vote alike.  We do not have to agree on every issue, that would scary anyway.  The thing it does mean is that we understand that we share ownership on this project.  Self- government only works when the people doing the governing believe that everyone deserves a spot at the table too.

So maybe on our 250^th Burfday, the question isn’t whether we know the words, most of us at least know some of them.  Maybe the better question is whether we are still committed to the dream that literally formed our great union.  Are we still committed to doing the dang thing that comes after the words.  Whether we are still willing to examine where we have succeeded, where we have failed, utterly and otherwise and where there is still work to do.  What parts of that original promise have we fulfilled?  What parts are we still building?  What parts are we tearing down or ignoring?   Truth be told, I am not sure how to answer all those questions.  Some days I think we’re closer than we’ve ever been.  Other days I wonder if we are drifting so slowly into the mirror universe so slowly, we don’t even see it happening. 

Maybe that is what’s been on my mind lately.  Not whether America is perfect, it’s not.  Not whether we’ve succeeded, we haven’t.  not whether we have failed, we haven’t.  The pressing question seems to be whether we are still willing to do difficult things together.  Because 250 years ago a group of folks bet an entire future on the idea, we should also be able to.  And I for one, believe we owe it to them to do our absolute fucking best to ensure the next 250 years are spent chasing that more perfect union.

So, let's go to the workbench and keep chiseling away at it.

Wearing My Years Like an Old Carhartt Jacket

For quite some time I have framed getting older through the deterioration of my body.  The stiffness, the soreness, the slower recovery, and lack of stamina.  I realized on my recent beach time something else about growing older.  Not everyone gets the opportunity to do so,  and bitching about this malady or that one is probably focusing on the wrong bits.  The world spins fast, faster than we want it to most days.  But we keep chasing the things we think are important.  Y’all, not everything needs chasing, there is meaning in the mundane parts of the day to day of our lives.

I am starting to see part of me more clearly than I used to, and I thought I saw it all.  Some of it stuck, some of it didn’t, and some was just noise I carried around longer than I needed to.  I feel like I need to start wearing my years a little more these days.  Not like a weight or burden, but like something that finally fits.  Kinda like that old Carhartt jacket Bride bought for me a hundred years ago.

We often played the game of talking about what we’d be doing had we never met.  Kinda like making up stories about other people when we were people watching, only with our own lives.  That game always made me realize the beauty in the things I missed.  The roads I did not take, the decisions I did not make, they all led to a life that never happened, and I was glad they didn’t.  Playing that game cemented for both of us that a completely random set of lived experiences led us to each other, and we would not trade any of the pain of the journey, because the journey led us to us.

Key bits of our lives, especially the mundane, drive our journey, and so do the big things.  Sometimes it’s the smallest, dumbest moments that end up mattering the most.  For example, had either one of us not ended up in the Navy, our paths would have never crossed.  For me, I skipped school that day in 1982 when I was a junior in high school.  Me and a couple of my buddies were sitting in the front yard smoking pot and drinking Old English 800 through a straw.  Up pulled a little K-car with “US Government” stenciled on the side.  Turns out he was lost and asked how to get to Springfield from here.  My drunk and stoned dumbass said “ya can’t get there from here”.  He jumped out, I thought I was about to get my ass kicked but instead I got talked into joining up.  How fucking random is that?

For Bride, the most courageous woman I have ever met, at the age of 28 she decided the best way to detox from cocaine was to join up and detox in boot camp.  First of all, going to boot camp is hard at any age, but doing it at 28 is really hard.  Layer on detoxing at the same time, holy shitballs Batman, that is courage and perseverance in action.  That is how she lived her whole life though, so looking at it now all I can say is “of course that’s how she detoxed”, there could be no other way for her.  And sometimes I have to stop right there and think about what kind of courage looks like over a lifetime, it was quintessentially her.  And somehow those two random things, 4 years apart, are what allowed us to meet.  That is just nuts.  

That younger version of me still shows up sometimes, cocky and filled with false confidence.  Maybe it was reckless hope, cocksure when I had no cred to back it up.  It’s funny to think back on that kid, and later the man I became.  He still shows up sometimes with his bullshit.  I still listen to him, but I don’t let him drive anymore, mostly cause he was a dumbass.  Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful he was the dumbass he was, it led to a life well lived with the most amazing woman ever.  

Time hasn’t taken anything from me, not really.  Not in the ways that matter most.  Time, it’s been refining me.  Softening the edges, slowing me down just enough to finally see clearly.  Finding peace in those places I never stopped in, or simply walked on by on my way to somewhere else.  There was a time when I didn’t know myself nearly as well as I thought I did, I guess that is probably still true now.

My Beautiful Bride saw the loud parts, and the quiet ones.  She said to me on more than one occasion she wished she could know that younger and wilder version of me.  She also appreciated the man I was, the confident version of me and the one still trying to figure my shit out and she was always there to help.  She knew me better than I knew myself, and rest assured better than anyone else knew me, and somehow that never felt like a bad thing.

Ya start to realize something after living a bit of life.  Looking back, it lines up in ways I didn’t see while I was in it. The mess, the dumb decisions, the wrong turns, they all ended up pointing me to here and I would not trade a moment of it.

And yeah, there’s a price that comes with understanding all that.  When you’ve been known the way I was known, when someone really saw you, all of you, and stayed anyway… that does not just disappear, it sticks around.  It shows up at the oddest times, middle of the day, nothing special happening, and it just hits.  Not as loud, not quite as overwhelming, just this quiet steady knowing that we had something real.  

It’s different now, but not gone.  Not really. 

And here is what took me a bit to understand in the fog of grief, our love story doesn’t empty me out.  It fills my heart with love and warmth, even with her absence and I like that. 

New rule, Smitty is going to be wasting a lot less time on things that don’t matter.  Just don’t have the energy or desire to do it anymore.

She was a hottie in white polyester.  She was receiving her Navy Achievement Medal here. 

Turned Up Too Loud

So, I flew back home to Lincoln Friday, and I have been struggling with a lot of different feels.  Some tied to that, others just showing up like they got something to say.   That’s probably not random at all.  Just part of the process.  Either way, they are here and they are loud.  This is by far the most intense the feels have felt since my Beautiful Bride passed.  Today, everything got cranked up to 11, I’m old and don’t like music that loud anymore.

I want to say this first, I felt incredibly supported and loved over those two weeks.  The kind of love and support that only old friends can give.  Some of these folks go back to the early 90’s, Navy days.  I remember their kids being born, and now those kids are grown ass adults.  One day we were smoking ribs, hanging out and I had to go sit on another room.  Just overwhelmed from sharing space with so many folks I love. 

Sharing space like that, chosen family all in one place, is something I haven’t found yet in Lincoln.  And this time it hit different, because it was just me.  No Beautiful Bride.  She was always the life of the party at those sorts of events and that showed up hard.  She loved a great party.  Always quick with a story, or even quicker with the most amazing laugh when other stories were told.  It just felt weird and I feel lonely in a way I hadn’t felt before.   

That led something I wasn’t expecting, guilt.  Which is weird because I don’t really feel guilt, never have, and she figured that out early.  Guilt is an emotion I don’t have much experience with, so it is hitting harder and sticking around longer than other ones I have been cycling through since her death.  I caught myself feeling weird about how long it took for it to show up this strong.

I know grief is a fickle bitch, but I was not expecting it to show up and punch as hard as it has.  It is almost like it picked the one emotion I have the least experience with and decided that was my weak point.  This isn’t to say this hasn’t been hard.  I am only saying I have more experience processing almost every other emotion or feeling.  So maybe it is just an opportunity to practice, which pissed me off because I don’t want to practice on that one, I have lived the better part of my life not feeling guilt and I am not sure I want to start now. 

I also started feeling some guilt about these blog posts.  So much about me and not about her.  Seems silly to think about but that is what is going on in my head.  And one thing I have learned through my time on the journey, we cannot control how we feel.  Best we can do is control our reaction to those feelings.  I also felt a bit of guilt about writing so much about how I am feeling, it sorta feels like I am wallowing around in it.  Intellectual Smitty knows that is not the case, but emotional Smitty ain’t so sure right now.  I know this is part of the process but damn it Jim, I am not a guilt dude!

It’s a funny thing, our feelings and the emotions that are connected to them.  In my brain, the intellectual part, I know this is part of this journey.  The emotional side of my brain cares little, that dichotomy is a cruel joke the universe plays.  It isn’t just grief either, it has been around for a long time, at least with me.  Like guilt I guess, it is the universe saying here is something to test you, to test your mettle.  Like all things in life, we get the test first and the lesson later.  Seems backwards to what it oughta be but that’s what it is, at least for me.

Aside from the guilt bit, I also came away with an awful lot of uncertainty about what the next chapter is.  I am super fortunate to be in a position that I can really do anything I want to, well within reason.  I just don’t know what it wants to be yet and if I follow the lessons from the rest of my life, the universe will put something in front of me when its time.  In some ways I just wanna get on with it, and in others I know forcing things never produces good outcomes, at least in my lived experiences.  So, in addition to everything else that seems to be swirling around me, there is that quandary too.

Whether I like it or not, this thing does not come in a straight line.  That whole turned it up to 11 feeling, as much as I hate it, it doesn’t feel like going backwards as much as it does something new showing up.  It might just be the next layer deciding it’s time for you to deal with me now.  This seems to be the part where it stops being something I understand in my head and turns into something I must feel and experience.

Being around folks, folks who knew us when we were all still trying to figure life out, that was different.  It wasn’t just missing her, it was missing us.  Who we were together in those spaces.  That version of me is still in there somewhere, but it is just off balance and unable to get firm footing.  It’s kinda feels like I’m carrying half of something that used to be whole, and I just don’t know what to do with that.  And that uncertainty sits heavy on me.  I know this next chapter, whenever it arrives, will probably have something to do with figuring out how to hold onto that part of us without getting stuck in it.  All that while I am also learning how to be half of what I once was.

And maybe, even the parts I don’t like, especially the guilt, aren’t wrong.  I don’t have to like all the parts, but I also don’t think any of them are mistakes.  They are just part of the system that is Smitty trying to reset after the most massive overhaul to date.  I damn sure don’t feel ready for any of it, I don’t even like the test first, lesson later arrangement, never have.  But most likely this isn’t about doing it right or even doing it fast.  Maybe just doing the dang thing is the thing to do, whatever the hell the dang thing is.  That intellectual side of my brain knows this, the emotion side… yeah, that bastard is still telling me something very different.  Damn it.

And I keep coming back to the same thought.  It’s not just that she is gone.  It’s that the version of me that existed with her does not have a place to stand anymore.  And I don’t think I know how to build that footing back yet.  At some point I am guessing this settles down a bit.  Or maybe I just get a little better at carrying it.  Either way, today wore me slap out.  So yeah, everything still feels turned up too loud.  And the knob just spins when I try to turn it down. 

Two Pretty Damn Amazing Weeks

Well I just got a text letting me know my departure from Jacksonville to Chicago has been delayed.  It appears I still have an hour and 21 minutes  between gates in Chicago for my Lincoln flight.  So I decided I might try to type out a quick Oratory.  I am now at JAX waiting departure so I thought I would finish this one. 

So today I head back home from spending 2 weeks in Jacksonville Florida.  I was completely unplugged from everything, work, house, bills, and most of all my puppy, Handsome Petey Kabuki McPants McGillicuddy, more commonly referred to as Larry O.  From all appearances, he has enjoyed himself.  His tail was pointing up every time I watched, and that I know means he is happy.  Plus, he had extra cuddle time, that was a great upsell at drop off.  I am looking forward to scooping up the butt dart from the border and loving on him.  I have watched him playing every day, their camera system could you some work, I think I will suggest a trade of my expertise for boarding days. 

I shared space and a lot of meals with a lot of chosen families on my trip.  I went to have a meal with folks at places we always went to when we lived here.  Well, except Lubi’s, Bride could not stand a loose meat sandwich.  They were probably heart attacks on bun but damnnnnnn, they are good.  I shared three home cooked meals as well, and they were equally yummy. 

I watched the sunrise every morning, one of them was in Ocala and the rest were at the beach.  I love sunrise, but boy watching in a chair in the surf at the ocean is something everyone should do at least once in their lives.  I just wish I wasn’t learning how to love it again without her.  I remember back in the day a great friend of mine came down here to Florida from Ohio and we went to sunrise as his first time seeing the ocean – it was magnificent and a gift to me to watch someone see that for the first time.  Coincidently, my Niece and her family were also vacationing here so I got a sunrise with her and got to spend some time with her family.

Jacksonville is very much different and very much the same, it just does not feel like home anymore.  I’ve  always said home is where I hand my hat, but it turns out that wasn’t quite right.  Home was wherever she was.  That is what Smithlandia really meant.  All but the three hats I brought with me are still in Lincoln, and I have hundreds and that collection started all the way back to high school.  And yes, since the Beach Diner is closing, I bought one of their hats.

I got to hug a lot of necks, and that was very much needed.  There is something special about that kinda hug, the kind where nobody is really saying anything, and yet everything is being said.  Some of them held on a little longer than normal, and we both knew why.  Because for a few seconds, it filled a space that has been too damn quiet, for both of the of us. 

While I saw a lot of people, I also had a lot of alone time, that was good and bad.  Still writing down three things every morning looking for forward momentum.   Some days its three steps forward, and then, in the same day, its two more backwards.  And every morning I’m still waking up to world she is not in anymore, left wondering how that’s even real.

Overall I have moved forward but the pace is spotty.  And that is the new norm so that is just OK.  I am glad I sprinkled a few ashes as well, while not closure it did feel a bit like adding a period at the end of a sentence.  Problem was, I was not ready for the sentence to end.  I just sat there for a bit after.  It was nice to have that time when I was out of my element.  No constant reminders, no work things, no house things, no dog things, just me, myself and I.

And now for an abrupt topic change, I rented a Hyundai Sonata, it was a hybrid and I kinda liked it.  Well, I liked the efficiency and tech.  Over the two week period I put gas in it twice, and the overall average for my two weeks was 44.7 MPG, which is a hell of lot better than my truck.  Not enough to make me switch yet, but it got my attention.  The tech package was pretty impressive as well, lane drift protection, adaptive cruise, and self steering, although I turned that off after just a minute or two.  The only thing I did not like about it was it was low to ground, I’m old and fat so…  and the drivers compartment was crowded, see aforementioned note on being fat and old.

So I will be back in Lincoln tonight, and will pick up Larry in the morning, after his bath and nail trim and other pampering.  Fingers crossed the two flights are uneventful.

So I Stay, and I Keep Reading

I keep reminding myself that this is going to work out, that Smitty is going to be OK.  Even though there are days when it just doesn’t feel like it.  Maybe days is stretching it at this point.  Maybe it’s hours, or minutes or moments where it just seems overwhelming to me.  I also remind myself that I will not have the dynamic duo I had for so long.  The we, the us, and the they are gone.  I  am now just the me, the he, and the I.  It still feels weird to be using those tenses, and I stumble over them all the time.  I guess that will be the norm for a while, maybe forever and I don’t even mind anymore, small reminders of who we were together.

I know this is not my forever, this is a chapter and thank goodness chapters come to an end and a new one begins, that is the way of things in the world.  If I span across the whole journey, this chapter is the one I like the least.  It has been the most difficult, I think because I was so used to having a partner in the game.  Someone who would listen, encourage, support and love me, just like I did for her.  It feels a little isolating to be thinking about this and working my way through it without her, I miss her wisdom in moments like these.

I still have to fight the urge to treat this moment like the whole story.  It feels so large and heavy that it is sometimes hard to see over or around it and recognize that this is just a chapter in a much larger story.  The story we created was simply amazing by any standard.  I knew that and so did she, but I don’t think I understood the magnitude of how amazing we were together.  Spending a couple of weeks here in Florida, surrounded by chosen family, has been a great reminder of that, and I am grateful for each of those reminders, spoken and implied.

Somewhere out there, there is a version of me who made it through all of this.  In some ways I wish I could time travel forward to that dude.  Other times that feels like cheating.  I don’t really know how to explain that part.  I just know it hits wrong.  I just know there is something about skipping ahead that feels wrong, like I’d be missing some ugly part that was necessary to help me become whoever I am supposed to be after this chapter.  I don’t like that, not even a little.  But I also know I don’t get to only read the good parts the story.  So, I will keep moving through the pages, wherever the story goes and however difficult to read, until I get to that future me, who will have been forged into that future me by the journey itself. 

Realizing I’m no longer the one writing this story is really messing with my head.  It is disorienting in a way that does not make sense to me, her absence just turns up the volume on all of it.  It’s like the whole thing gets louder when I try to make sense of it.  I feel like most of that comes down to how badly we want to believe we are in control, like if we just try hard enough or think clearly enough, we can simply negotiate with the page to say something different.  But that ain’t how this works, not really.  Letting go and just being feels wrong, almost like I am violating some of the base code I am programmed with.  Every thing in me wants to push back, rewrite a few lines of code, to do something other than just sitting with it.  Submitting to the page I’m actually on is hard.  Real hard.  It feels very much in conflict with my fight or flight instincts, the ones that have been baked into our DNA since before we made it to the top of the food chain.  All I have is how I show up for the page in front of me, even when showing up sometimes feels like the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

I don’t like this chapter.  I would not have chosen it in a million years.  It kinda like in book club having to read a book that ya don’t like.  You read it anyway, out of respect for the one who selected it.  This is the book that has been selected for me, and not reading it is not an option, that would be disrespectful of Beautiful Brides memory.  So here I am, slogging away, slower than I want to be moving and this book appears to have a lot of pages to turn.  Some days I make progress, other days I have to go back and reread the shit I didn’t like the first time I read it.  I just keep showing up, and that counts! 

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I found myself on the same beach where we said our vows again at 20 years in.  Sunrise, the same kind of quiet, the same sounds of the ocean doing its thing.  Only this time it was just me, well technically just me.  I had carried her there and did the only thing  I knew how to do, I let her go into the place we loved.  I don’t know if there are words for that moment that actually do it justice, I had nothing but tears then, and now as I type this.  It did not feel like closure.  It did not fix anything.  But it felt right, the kind of right that comes with absolute certainty.  It felt like one small way to honor the story we had, in a place that knew us well when we were still a we.   I stayed long enough to feel it.  Then I walked away without really knowing how to feel about it.  

Somewhere out there is a version of me who has already read the whole book and knows how it ends.  I don’t get to flip ahead to that part though, I have to read it the way it’s written, page by agonizing page.  Regardless of how many times I reread a page, I am just trying to make it all make sense.  Not every page lands, not every chapter is fair, and it’s still my book to read.  Fair, that reminds me of something she used to say, fair is what ya pay to get on a bus and where ya go to get a funnel cake or corndog.  So I will just keep turning pages, trusting that something will shift along the way and trusting that when I finally reach the end of this chapter, I will understand why I had to read it in the first place.  So I stay, and I keep reading.

The Contacts you Never Delete

So, a couple of months in and I have not yet turned off Bride’s phone, and I am not sure when I will.  We shifted to consumer cellular a couple of years ago and it is only about 20 bucks a month to keep it active so...  We both have the same code to get into our phones and iPads.  I had never looked in her phone before she passed, and I don’t think she ever looked in mine, even though we both had the codes.  I have been checking her phone daily for calls, voicemails, text messages, Amazon activities and any other form of communications looking for anything that needed attention.  There have been a few things that needed to be addressed in those first few weeks but nothing lately.

We had recently replaced her phone with the latest iPhone Max, the big one, the $1,500 one.   Before that, her phone was older than mine, an iPhone 7 from around 2017 or so I think.  We both hang on to them until they started giving us problems, so we always tried to get the newest thing they had out.  I have the Galaxie Note 20 Ultra that I got in 2020 and I’m on my second Otter Box case.  It still answers phone calls and texts along with email, when I feel like using it for that.  I have looked through her pics and email and what not, mostly because I saw the .99 cent charge for cloud storage come in.  I am working on getting that stuff moved off her account so I can at least stop paying that 99 cents a month for storage.  

Along those lines, this morning I was reviewing her contacts to see if I needed to transfer any of those to my contacts.  I found some and sent them over to me.  One thing I was not really prepared for was finding contact info on friends no longer with us.  My Mom and Dad were there, as was Debbie, Carol, and a couple of others.  That one stopped me for a moment, and pushed me to look through my contacts to find who all I still have in there.  It was too many, and now Bride sits on the top of that list, and that fucking sucks.  So do Lyndon and Alison, my two oldest friends.  I met Alison when I was 4 and Lyndon when I was 5, she died in 2013 and he died in 2015 and I still miss them both.  If you type in Mom, Dad, Lyndon, or Alison in the little search box up in the top left corner you can read some words I wrote about them.

There was Grady, and Cary, two friends who decided this life wound up to be too hard.  I was mad at both of them for a long time, but I think with age I have learned to accept that was the choice they made.  My Mom and Dad are still in there.  There is Bob, Bishop and Brian.  Chris,  Debbie, and Don.  Doug, Eric, and Jimmy.  Ken, Larry, and Mark.  Michael, Pat, and Peter.  Randy, Roy, and Russ.  Tim, Tracy, and Wayne.

Twenty eight names in total, just sitting there in my contacts.  People that I have simply kept their contact info in my phone, even though some have been gone for decades.  It was funny because at least a few I must have transferred their contact information from an address book.  For those younger folks, that was a cardboard bound binder with places where we put people’s names, phone numbers and addresses, along with any other pertinent information.  I always picked green ones, although I cannot recall why now but there must have been a reason.

That’s when it stopped feeling like just a list. A contact list isn’t just for finding folks, it’s also an archive of the ones who shaped our lives.  Keeping someone in our contacts feels like a small act of defiance.  Kinda like we’re just not willing to let them disappear.  We spend years, in some cases a lifetime, building connections to those who end up being in our circle of humans.  We used to memorize the numbers of those closest to us, for example, I recall Lyndon’s number when we were kids being 513.663.6382. 

Now when their name pops up on our device with a text or call, we associate it with a voice, a laugh, or some memory and our heart does a little dance, especially if we have not heard from them in a while.  Deleting that name can feel like collapsing all of that history into a single, final button mash.  Leaving it in there lets the relationship breathe, exist in a different state, not active, but not erased either.  Just different.

It lines up with how memory actually works, at least for me.  Grief is not linear, and connection isn’t either.  Some days I don’t even think about them at all, other days their name pops up unexpectedly via some random trigger.  When they pop up, it can bring back a flood of memories I didn’t even realize I was carrying.  Seeing their contact does not anchor me in the past, it just keeps the electronic door open for me.  Not to stay there, but to revisit from time to time, long enough to share a laugh or even a cry with them, like what happened to me as I looked through it today.  The relationship changes, it goes from talking to them to pondering about them. 

There is something real about how our contacts list keeps growing while some of those names will never be called again, a pretty stark reality for a “contact” list.  Life keeps adding chapters but does not delete the old chapters.  Those old chapters just take on a different weight.  It almost becomes a map of all the intersections in our lives, showing where we met that first friend and how the list grew from there.  The map is also marked with the moments in time and place where folks got off our ride.  Keeping them in there acknowledges that those relationships did not end in importance to us, they ended because they ended in time.

Maybe most of all, it’s about control in a moment where so much feels out of our control.  Choosing not to delete a name is a deliberate act, as is deleting one.  I don’t think it’s denial at all, I think it is more about choosing what stays.  It is a decision they still belong in our world, even if the way they exist in it has changed.  Their name sitting there when ya scroll, as hard as it might be, shows how much that particular human meant to us when they were here.

Maybe there is a right time to remove someone, and for me I guess I learned that time is never going to be right.  Keeping them in there isn’t about reaching out, it’s just not being ready to let them go.  Who do you have in your contacts?

This is Bride's phone