The Missing Future Tense

Over a month into this new part of my journey, one of the things I have been stumbling over now is what tense to use, what words are right in different situations.  For almost 4 decades, it was always “we.”  Not a choice, just the way things were.   We’ll check on those dates, we’ll get back to you, we appreciated it.  It was not something I ever had to think about, it just came out that way, it was automatic.  It was simply a part of we and us.  Now I am singular, me, myself, and I.

Now I find myself pausing, editing in real time, mid sentence, and as you can tell, I suck as an editor.   What I am noticing is the pause that wasn’t there before.  The sentence used to just came out.  Now, there is a moment where I have to decide who I am in it.  I have also found myself being deliberate in saying we, because that still feels more honest to me, even though I know it’s not.  I think it is simply muscle memory, a reflex built from years of repetition.

Being a Trekkie, who is currently rewatching Star Trek Discovery, I have been framing these thoughts about tense through the lens of time travel.  You know, she is, she was, we are, and so on.  Tenses in language have rules, past, present and future, clean lines around all of it.  Language expects things to stay in their own damn lanes.  Turns out, grief is more like a drunken sailor, weaving all over the place while shooting a bird at the established rules around tense. 

Some days she is, in the habits, in the voice in my head and the way I reach for something that is all her.  Some days she was.  And any thoughts or sentences with she was just land harder and hurt more.  Right now, I live between the lines, in one moment she is, in another, she was.  The one that is missing, is the future tense, she will, or she might.  That is the one I notice is gone.  I fucking want my future tense back!!

For example, when talking to the folks at our credit union when I removed her from our accounts, when we wrapped up I said, we really appreciate your help.  I did not correct myself because by the time I realized it, the conversation had already moved on.  From outside, nothing changed.  From the inside, I felt it.  In the grocery store, going down the aisle where the cherry mashes are thinking she’ll want a couple of those.  Or this morning sitting out on the porch admiring the growth in the bed we ended up planting full of wildflowers thinking she is gonna love this.  

In this moment, it feels like I am using language to navigate around the edges, where words break down and don’t fully describe things.  Every choice, made in real time, in the moment, the I, the we, the is, the was does not seem like just grammar anymore.  It feels more like selecting which version of reality I am standing in at that moment.

She was the grammar queen.  And if I am being honest, she’d probably be correcting my tense right now.  I think she’d insist that “we” is the right word.  And I’d let her correct all day long, just to hear her voice one more time.  She would also understand why I am living between the rules right now. 

A Life Well Lived is Truly Built on the Small and Mostly Mindless Moments we Mostly Take for Granted

There have been many big things in my way since the 21^st of April.  They have been front and center, right there, rigidly resting on bedrock and firmly in my way.  They are known, most are hard, and very solvable with time and effort because they are the obstacle in my way.  To quote Marcus Aurelius, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."  So, I am advancing through the action of doing those things.  They have been hard and many but mostly it has been a task driven list.   

The thing I have noticed the most over the last three weeks is how many small, unexpected little things I have been tripping over.  Tripping because they are not big enough to be an obstacle in my way.  I feel that even the cumulative effect of tripping, falling, and getting back up again is still not an obstacle.  It is just something we all do in our lives, stumble, gain footing, and continue on the journey without giving the cause much thought. 

The things I am tripping over now are much more than just a stumble, they feel like harsh reminders of how many silly little things I have taken for granted.  The things that never really made a list, the things that just lived in the corners, in the mundanity of life we rarely even notice, until they are gone.  Now they are gone for me, I am surprised when I trip over them and wonder how I could have not been cherishing those moments more.

Things like adjusting the air or heat before going to bed, she had a narrow comfort range.  Or making sure we always had plenty of supplies so she would never run out of soap, trash bags, razor blades, body wash, and a million other things.  OK, I will probably continue that, the Navy baked that into my DNA so…  Or texting her a picture from the car wash that simply said “current state” in either my car or hers.  Always making sure her car had gas, that she had Coke, sugar free.

Sending pictures I did a lot.  Sometimes of her, once in the place where Larry gets groomed, I went around and hid behind things and texted her a picture of herself, having already moved to the next spot, hahaha.  She texted back “stop that ya dumbass”.   I sent her pictures of sunrise all the time.  She loved sunrise but hated getting up early more so she got plenty of pictures. 

Seeing someone that just needed to have a life story built for them and then subsequently be judged for the life we made up about them.  I saw a dude the other day on O street, I was sure he got his ass whooped in 6^th grade and would have enjoyed building out his life up to the point I saw him with her.

I am still making sure the shower curtains are just so when I get out and I am finding that I am closing the door to the pantry and cabinet doors.  That was something that drove her crazy when I didn’t.  I am washing my clothes in cold water, even though I never thought that made any difference anyway.  There are still a number of things she wanted to do to the house, I will go ahead and do those, even though I am not sure I will even stay in this house.  I have committed to not making any big decisions for at least six months so I got a bit of time.

Being in the house is hard, because of all the small things.  In case you did not know, I was not the picker in our lives.  Not of colors on the walls, not of furniture, not of stuff hanging on the walls, and not the way any of the décor was arranged or anything else.  I would do the work, painting, hanging things, moving furniture, swapping doors or installing new moldings but was not the picker.   Every room in this house has a 100 reminders of her, and that is hard.  My only reprieve from that is here in my office, that is the one place I did get to choose.   I have done nothing, except hang a picture and the story of H.O. Studley’s toolbox, and yes I built that frame.  I first read about that in Fine Woodworking magazine and was simply amazed by his talent.  Here is a bit about that H.O. Studley tool box.

That is also where I am right now, pecking away on a keyboard typing about my Honey.  All the small things feel like death by a thousand cuts.  I am a woodworker and old car mechanic so I have experience with that, but these cut a bit deeper and seem to not be closing up as fast. 

I go to my first grief session Sunday that focuses on the loss of a spouse.  I am both terrified and hopeful at the same time.  As I have said, I recognize I am on a new path, and I have no idea where its heading, no idea of the terrain, no idea of how long the path is or where it will end up, so one step a time, three things on a list every day is helping.  I am trying to make sure at least one a day includes forward motion and not just motion. 

Fuckity fuck fuck!!  I sure do miss ya BB

 

 

Nearly Three Weeks In - A Few More Firsts and a Couple of Decisions and Progress Forward

Nearly three weeks in and I have taken a few more steps, three a day, had some more firsts, and made a couple of decisions.  It all still seems surreal and feels so weird that BB is gone.  I have not been alone since the day after, thanks again for all the support, I cannot imagine what this would be like without that.  

Last week two of Brides’ best friends from Jacksonville were here and it was great.  We played some cards, rummy which Bride and I played all the time and some three handed spades, which I have never played with three hands and a ghost hand.   When playing rummy, I learned that some of Brides “house rules” were 100% made up.  We have been using them for so long I never even questioned them, and I am sticking with them.  She was really good at cards, regardless of the game.  We had her picture at the end of the table, watching over us.  We went to Sandy’s favorite breakfast joint, Cooks Café, a few times. 

I had a couple of firsts last week that seemed odd but that I needed to take.  First was a trip to Sandy’s nail place with one of her best friends.  I have never had a Pedi.  I have always done them myself, and truth be told, it didn’t suck.  I think I may make that a monthly routine.  Toes are done in two different colors of purple, a lighter metal flake and a dark purple.  My method, just cover the nails and not worrying about keeping it off my skin.  In a couple of days, all of that would just flake off anyway.  It was funny, it was almost like a 2-stage paint job on a car.  Primer coat, base coat and clear, never did that either, always been a single stage dude.  

We also went to the Omaha zoo, which is pretty damn amazing.  Largest in the country, which I did not know.  Largest indoor rainforest and largest indoor desert I seem to recall seeing.  It was on Bride’s list and it was nice to see it with two of her best friends.  If you ever find yourself in Omaha, make that a spot ya go see.

While my Niece was here we got the big bed along the fence seeded with 4 pounds of wildflower seeds, native to here and great for the pollinators.  I have been watering those twice a day and there are all kinds of things popping up.  Bride had a vision for that bed that I am committed to seeing that through.  I also planted a bunch of sunflowers back there, 12 footers, 7 footers and 5 footers.  They have not sprouted yet.  I also need to finish installing the sprinkler zone to ensure I don’t accidently kill all of them.  Everything lined up and measured, perfectly spaced and fully symmetrical, she was quite OCD about that sort of thing.

 So, I am going back to work this week, not sure how that will go.  I am a bit terrified as I suspect folks will want to say something, and I am not sure how I will react to that.   Could be fine, it could he hard and it might turn the water works on.  I just know it will be hard.  I think day one will be a half day, maybe even the whole week.  I have already had coffee with a few folks on my team and my boss to test the waters on how that will go, so we will see how it goes tomorrow.

I am also picking a date this week to have her celebration of life.  I am thinking it will be early in June but that it is yet to be determined but I am choosing when this week.  It will also be streamed online, which still seems weird to me but being so far from everyone that will work out, I think.  When I speak to them about that, I am also going to see if I can add a peace sign and the words my friend wrote about “The Power of a Box”

For those who read the blog about Sandy’s car title escapades, it is in here a few down if you’re interested.  Anyway, we finally got Nebraska tags for her car and she was mobile again, and pretty damn happy about that I might add.  She was on her 4^th or 5^th trip when on her way home a 20 something year old kid side swiped her car.  I took it to get quotes and was told almost immediately that it would be totaled.  It is a 2011 Ford escape with 100k miles on it.  It has been an amazing car since we bought it in 2013.  Insurance says if it costs more that $3,200 to fix, they will total it. 

We talked a lot about options, the repair was going to be $5,800.  We explored just not having a car and Uber’ing about, she HATED that option.  We also did not want a car payment or to spend the dough outright on a new one.  We also knew we could never find a used car that was cared for and in as good a shape as hers.  Ultimately, we had decided to fix it and I was due to drop it off on Wednesday, the day after she passed.  I did not do that.  Now I don’t need another vehicle, so I decided to donate it.  Lincoln public schools only have auto mechanics classes, no body shop classes.  SE community college on the other hand does, I have been working with them, and we are targeting Tuesday for actually handing it off to them.   That is the third vehicle we have donated to schools.

I sure do miss her, my heart aches nearly all the time.  Another thing I am doing this week is spending time alone, for the first time since all of this started.  I have been surrounded by friends and family since the day after and I cannot imagine what that would have been like without that, I will forever be in their debt.  I also have a list of others who will come in time.  I feel like the next step is spending time alone with my thoughts, while I have a great back porch here it is nothing like the ponder porch or the ocean.  The location matters little really.  This part is about sitting with it and sorting out what comes next in my life.  It feels a bit scary but I know these steps need to be taken, I am going to keep on going, not slowing down.  She modeled that so easily, like slipping on an old comfy tee shirt.  DAMN I miss that girl!

Oh, and I bought a gold chain necklace and have Brides rings on them, I have not worn a necklace since my Navy days when I wore a St. Christopher.  Every jeweler I went to wanted me to leave it so they could solder on a hoop so they hang straight.  I didn’t like the idea of that.  I do not want those rings out my sight, didn’t want anyone messing with them.  So, I just put them on the chain, they twist a bit, sit however they want to, at least for now.  Maybe I can find someone to do it while I wait, or maybe I wait until I can leave them for a day to get that work done.  They are where they belong and that feels right. 

Two weeks In, Trying to Make It Feel Real

So yesterday I thought I would try to make all of this feel real, it hasn’t yet felt that way to me.  It’s been more like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. 

First of all, I cannot thank Y’all enough for the outpouring of love and support, the physical presence, the random texts, the emails, the DMs, we were truly blessed by the universe to have so many chosen and actual family and friends who cared about us.  

I mentioned that I have taken three steps every day, which seems now like a lot of motion but I am not sure if it was forward motion.  Yesterday I decided to take one small step that was unmistakably forward. 

I threw away her toothbrush, 4 different times. 

First, I tossed it in the bathroom trash can.  Then I immediately pulled it back out again, thinking she would kill me if I did that to her toothbrush.  Later, I tried again in the same trash can.  I left it there for about 30 minutes and pulled it out again, still unable to do it. 

Then I dropped it in the laundry room trash can, where it stayed for another 30 minutes.  DAMN IT!  I pulled it back out again, I was starting to wonder if I could take this step or not.  Then I remembered yesterday was the day recycling gets picked up, so I went out and tossed it in the recycling can, shook it so it would fall to the bottom and wheeled that to the curb.   Thankfully the truck came and gathered it up before I could run out and try to pull it out again.

Of all of my steps so far, I believe that one tangibly moved me forward, towards the inevitable acceptance that my Beautiful Bride is gone.  It is so weird to think about.  Even weirder to type or say out loud.  

This morning, I tossed her razor in the trash, and since today is trash day, I wheeled that to the curb.  It was hard but it was easier than that damn toothbrush, that needed replaced anyway.

I have said a number of times that I don’t even know who I am without her.  Last night, a Brother from another Mother shared a story when someone told him, over and over, after a life event hurt him, that he was going to be OK.  It was a beautiful story of his friend supporting him because the friend knew who he was, at his core.  His friend knew he had the strength to work through that challenging moment in his life and come out the other side. 

After telling the story, he said, “Duane is going to be OK” several times. 

Upon reflecting on those six words I realized, I do indeed know who I am.   Bride was instrumental in defining who I am, fundamentally, I am still her Smit.  And Smit is going to be OK.  I am going to find ways to honor the many parts of who I am that she helped define over the nearly 4 decades of hanging out together, I was but 23 when we met so that is a lot a definition.

I have no idea how I will make my way back to OK.  But I know, absolutely know, that I will and that comes as a great relief to my heart.  

I was reminded by a morning text I received, sometimes it’s three steps forward, one step back.  And most times that step backwards is needed for something.  So, the important thing for me right now is to just keep taking the steps. 

Maybe tomorrow I will throw out her deodorant. 

Weird, the impact of a stupid fucking toothbrush and a razor can have, it almost makes me laugh.  When we first moved into an apartment together, we had a weekly airing of grievances.  The very first week my very first grievance was that she did not always put the lid on the toothpaste, that drove me crazy.  So, our simply solution was to each have our own tube of toothpaste, problem solved.  From that day forward, we had separate tubes of toothpaste, even different brands.