Nearly three weeks in and I have taken a few more steps, three a day, had some more firsts, and made a couple of decisions. It all still seems surreal and feels so weird that BB is gone. I have not been alone since the day after, thanks again for all the support, I cannot imagine what this would be like without that.
Last week two of Brides’ best friends from Jacksonville were here and it was great. We played some cards, rummy which Bride and I played all the time and some three handed spades, which I have never played with three hands and a ghost hand. When playing rummy, I learned that some of Brides “house rules” were 100% made up. We have been using them for so long I never even questioned them, and I am sticking with them. She was really good at cards, regardless of the game. We had her picture at the end of the table, watching over us. We went to Sandy’s favorite breakfast joint, Cooks Café, a few times.
I had a couple of firsts last week that seemed odd but that I
needed to take. First was a trip to
Sandy’s nail place with one of her best friends. I have never had a Pedi. I have always done them myself, and truth be
told, it didn’t suck. I think I may make
that a monthly routine. Toes are done in
two different colors of purple, a lighter metal flake and a dark purple. My method, just cover the nails and not worrying
about keeping it off my skin. In a
couple of days, all of that would just flake off anyway. It was funny, it was almost like a 2-stage
paint job on a car. Primer coat, base
coat and clear, never did that either, always been a single stage dude.
We also went to the Omaha zoo, which is pretty damn amazing. Largest in the country, which I did not
know. Largest indoor rainforest and largest
indoor desert I seem to recall seeing. It
was on Bride’s list and it was nice to see it with two of her best friends. If you ever find yourself in Omaha, make that
a spot ya go see.
While my Niece was here we got the big bed along the fence
seeded with 4 pounds of wildflower seeds, native to here and great for the pollinators. I have been watering those twice a day and
there are all kinds of things popping up.
Bride had a vision for that bed that I am committed to seeing that through. I also planted a bunch of sunflowers back
there, 12 footers, 7 footers and 5 footers.
They have not sprouted yet. I
also need to finish installing the sprinkler zone to ensure I don’t accidently
kill all of them. Everything lined up
and measured, perfectly spaced and fully symmetrical, she was quite OCD about
that sort of thing.
So, I am going back
to work this week, not sure how that will go.
I am a bit terrified as I suspect folks will want to say something, and I
am not sure how I will react to that. Could be fine, it could he hard and it might
turn the water works on. I just know it
will be hard. I think day one will be a
half day, maybe even the whole week. I
have already had coffee with a few folks on my team and my boss to test the waters
on how that will go, so we will see how it goes tomorrow.
I am also picking a date this week to have her celebration of
life. I am thinking it will be early in June
but that it is yet to be determined but I am choosing when this week. It will also be streamed online, which still
seems weird to me but being so far from everyone that will work out, I think. When I speak to them about that, I am also
going to see if I can add a peace sign and the words my friend wrote about “The
Power of a Box”
For those who read the blog about Sandy’s car title escapades,
it is in here a few down if you’re interested.
Anyway, we finally got Nebraska tags for her car and she was mobile
again, and pretty damn happy about that I might add. She was on her 4th or 5th
trip when on her way home a 20 something year old kid side swiped her car. I took it to get quotes and was told almost immediately
that it would be totaled. It is a 2011 Ford
escape with 100k miles on it. It has
been an amazing car since we bought it in 2013.
Insurance says if it costs more that $3,200 to fix, they will total it.
We talked a lot about options, the repair was going to be
$5,800. We explored just not having a
car and Uber’ing about, she HATED that option.
We also did not want a car payment or to spend the dough outright on a
new one. We also knew we could never
find a used car that was cared for and in as good a shape as hers. Ultimately, we had decided to fix it and I was
due to drop it off on Wednesday, the day after she passed. I did not do that. Now I don’t need another vehicle, so I decided
to donate it. Lincoln public schools
only have auto mechanics classes, no body shop classes. SE community college on the other hand does, I
have been working with them, and we are targeting Tuesday for actually handing
it off to them. That is the third vehicle
we have donated to schools.
I sure do miss her, my heart aches nearly all the time. Another thing I am doing this week is
spending time alone, for the first time since all of this started. I have been surrounded by friends and family
since the day after and I cannot imagine what that would have been like without
that, I will forever be in their debt. I
also have a list of others who will come in time. I feel like the next step is spending time
alone with my thoughts, while I have a great back porch here it is nothing like
the ponder porch or the ocean. The location
matters little really. This part is
about sitting with it and sorting out what comes next in my life. It feels a bit scary but I know these steps
need to be taken, I am going to keep on going, not slowing down. She modeled that so easily, like slipping on an
old comfy tee shirt. DAMN I miss that girl!
Oh, and I bought a gold chain necklace and have Brides rings
on them, I have not worn a necklace since my Navy days when I wore a St.
Christopher. Every jeweler I went to
wanted me to leave it so they could solder on a hoop so they hang
straight. I didn’t like the idea of
that. I do not want those rings out my
sight, didn’t want anyone messing with them.
So, I just put them on the chain, they twist a bit, sit however they want
to, at least for now. Maybe I can find
someone to do it while I wait, or maybe I wait until I can leave them for a day
to get that work done. They are where
they belong and that feels right.
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