Another Weird Thing - A New Mattress

So just a bit over a month without Bride and everything still seems weird.  Weird to think about, weird to talk about, weird to type about, weird to adjust to my new norm and weird to go through the days without her by my side.

My new mattress was finally delivered this week.  It was hard watching them carrying away the last mattress we would ever pick together.  And then, in came my new mattress, smaller and softer than she ever would have liked.  I also realized, this is the very first new mattress I have ever bought by myself in my lifetime.  My parents bought them when I was a kid, the Navy bought those and we met while I was there so there was no mattress buying for me.

We had just ordered a new set of sheets for our bed to more closely match the room color.  I ended up sending those back and getting the same color in queen size.  I did not get a new comforter yet, she liked the more poofy fancy ones and I like the simply cotton quilt type.  We always thought comforters were too small, ours was a California king.  I wanted to see what a king sized one would look like on there before buying one.  Our old ones were transitioned to paint tarps and stored in the garage.  I pulled one out, washed it and tried it on, now I know that is the size I will get and the color will be like the one she picked.

I tipped the men who delivered the new mattress and took away the old one to carry that bedframe out to the garage.  As I was sitting in my garage ponder chair staring at that thing I remembered how much she loved that bed frame.  It was a massive four-poster bed that was our first full bedroom set purchased at the same time, it even had the rails connecting them so one could hang frilly stuff on.  It was also the tallest bed we every had, I made her a custom little step to help her crawl in.  Before that, we always had an eclectic mix of things.  Mostly random pieces we liked or that I built from a picture or drawing of what she saw in her head. 

It was funny when we moved to Smithlandia the ceilings were a bit low and had giant cedar beams and the posts looked weird and forced us to offset the bed from the center of the wall, her OCD was not happy about that misalignment, haha. 

So, one day when she was out, I literally took my old Milwaukee Sawzall and lopped them off.  I replaced them with a cheap white plastic cap made for a 6x6 fence post.  I had sprayed ceiling texture on them and then painted them black and glued them on.  I had all that prepped ahead so when she got home it was done, posts gone, decorative cap installed.    

Her initial reaction was shock I think but then seeing how the room looked she ended up loving it.  When we moved in here she did say she thought the posts would have looked good.  I laughed and reminded her we used them as firewood in the stove that first winter at Smithlandia, we had a good laugh.

So after pondering on it, I am going to cut that bedframe down from King size to a Queen size, which is what my new bed is.  Well, I am either doing that or I will be simply making some saw dust.  Basically that entails cutting a 16 inch chunk out of the middle and cobbling it back together without being able to tell.  At least King and queen are the same length so no adjustments in that direction, although that would be a lot easier to accomplish.  No Sawzall for this work, not sure on the how yet other than I know it will take some sort of jig to hold everything in place.

All of that was hard and I cried a lot.  That seems to be a trend of late, the water works popping on and off again just as fast.  The valve does not seem to care much about timing or any sort of regular cadence.  It meeting, crank it on, driving, crank it on, sitting back porch, sitting in my office, watering the wildflowers growing along the fence, the location matters little to whatever valves are controlling that flow.   Truth be told, I don’t mind at all.  It feels better than the first week or so when tears were harder, I think due to shock. 

I feel like I am starting to accept that this is just going to be part of my new path, at least for bit.  Along with all the other things that I have, and will continue to accept into what my new norm is going to end up being.  Still no idea what that looks like so it is still three things on a list every morning and one foot in front of the other. I know with certainty that it will start taking shape at some point along the way.  I have been starting to wonder what that shape will end up looking like.  I have also been careful not to force things.  I know it will present itself as I take those steps forward.  Bride and I tried hard to not force things, and I think the universe has a way of pushing back when you do.  

So, I am on the journey, can’t say I know where I am heading yet but I feel a tiny bit more like a willing participant vs trying to stay in this place simply because the love of my life is there.  Realizing she will be with me on the journey, even if just in my heart, she is with me and that is a comforting thought.  I feel like an infant, just learning to walk again without the parts of me that used to be her.  I just miss her and it all just sucks!!