Dogbert and His Routine

Larry O, star of the show, sure has been missing his Momma.  Or, as I called him, Handsome Petey Kabuki McPants McGillicuddy.   We had many names for him but those were our favorites.  Bride and I never agreed on that, so I called him all sorts of names, just with the right tones.  Dumbass was my favorite, with the Red Foreman tone from that 70’s show.  He never really listened or paid attention to any of them anyway.  Now, at 15, he is getting hard of hearing, so I will holler anything to get his attention, he still ignores me. 

He was Momma’s boy for sure.  Bride always called him Daddy’s boy but being his Daddy, I can tell ya with certainty that he was a Momma’s boy.  He would follow her around, sit with her, cuddle with her and nap with her.  He also slept on her side of the bed.

He has been more clingy than before, follows me around more, sits with me more, leans in closer than he used to, and takes his naps with me.  I still make him sleep on the other side of the bed at the foot, I don’t like him pushing on me in the night.

I saw all these behaviors before, when Bride would go to Texas or anywhere else.  The most interesting thing I noticed is how he handles eating and drinking.  He would slow it down.  Stretch it out across the day, not anything dramatic, just… different.  It was like he was adjusting for me being gone during the day.  And then she’d get home, and voila, right back to normal.  I always laughed about it, and she never believe me, not even a little bit. 

It was the same after she passed.  He regulated his water and food again.  It was not quite as extreme this time.  I was home for a couple of weeks, and even now I am back to work, I am only like 8 minutes away.  I still come home for lunch, something I did before so we could sit together and talk about the nothings of the day.  I miss those moments more than I expected.    

I have been watching him lately, and am starting to see him shift again.  He is returning to routine.  Not exactly the same as before, but something steady.  Something that looks like it could be a new normal for him.  And that makes me happy, and it crushes me at the same time.   

I wish I could know what was going on in his head.  Does he know she’s not coming back?  Is he still waiting for her?  Does he miss her in the same way I do, or in some simpler, quieter way?   Bride was his world since he was 8 weeks and I know he loved her. 

And like life, I see him moving on with it.  Is he moving forward, without asking permission and without overthinking it.  In some ways I am profoundly saddened by that.  In other ways I am encouraged. 

He loved his Momma every bit as much as I did, I know that.  If he can, in his little doggy brain, start to move forward, into his new Dogbert reality…  then maybe I can too.

And that hurts!  He figures out his new normal without thinking about it.  I just wake up and feel the weight of mine, and it feels more acute today.

I took this the night before she passed.