I left Florida for Oregon on January 20th 2015, or 4,156 days ago. While I miss with all my heart the friends and chosen family I left behind, being so close to the ocean is a very close second. My connection to the ocean began when I served in the Navy. The immense power, the immense isolation, the immense size, are all deeply felt in my bones, something that was awakened in those early days as a Sailor. Living close to the beach in Jacksonville was a blessing as I could go there pretty much any time I wanted, although I must admit most of my trips were bright and early.
My #1 Zen spot is sitting in a cheap plastic Adirondack chair with my feet in the sand, or ocean, and watching the sun come up. #2 was the Ponder Porch looking down at Cedar Creek, or Smith River I liked to call it. At the beach, it was actually that hour and a half before the actual time of sunrise. That is when the show happens, the sunrise itself is somewhat anticlimactic. I could not even begin to count the number of times I watched the sun come up on the beach. It was pretty dang cool watching a sunrise from a ship in the middle of the Atlantic as well.
Sunrise for me is not about the moment the sun breaks the horizon. It is about the long quiet negotiation between blackness and the daylight that happens before most are paying attention. The sky trying on colors before it fully commits to what it will wear for the day. It is felt before it is seen. The air changes, the sounds of the pelicans and sandpipers start to grow. It is the part of the day that does not ask anything of you. No expectations, no scorecard, just possibilities in that short window of time.
Sunrise is not about a fresh start every day as much as it is permission from the universe to try again to be a better version of yourself. Not a single win is ever guaranteed in a day. But for me, watching the majesty of a sunrise is the win, my eyeballs popped open and I got to experience another one. The sunrise is also a constant for me, a steady reminder that time keeps moving on, the earth continues to rotate through the days. Regardless of whether we are ready for them or not and that in and of itself is a cherished gift. No sunrise promises a good day, it only promises a chance to make one.
Sunsets are much different for me, I love them as well. Sunsets are more about an accountability check. That moment where the day gets to ask me, what did ya do with me? What difference did make with me? Sunsets are where the noise dies down, and whatever is left is the truth of our day, and our lives. Where our life’s intentions meet reality, a score card of sorts that hopefully leaves us with a smile that comes from meeting that day and doing the hell out of it. Sometimes the scorecard leaves us uncomfortable, even a little dissatisfied with our day and a reminder to do better tomorrow. And to make sure we are giving ourselves grace on those days we fall short.
Sunsets are more a harsh critic, they do not care what I meant to do today. They only see what I actually did today. Sunsets are also a reminder that every amazing thing has an ending, they are predictable and just part of how the universe drives all of this. One day at a time they say in lots of ways, I guess that is a silent reminder to let go in small increments, micro dosing our way along. We don’t get to give permission for the day to end, it just does, every day just ends. We can’t hold on to it, we only get to live inside each day while it’s here. That is a reminder that every moment we have is truly a gift.
Watching a sunrise or sunset in the presence of the ocean just adds a massive layer to the experience, at least it does for me. The ocean cares not about our plans, same as the sun cares little about our pace. But together, they help give me a frame to measure myself against, and that is pure magic. Sunrise reminds me I get a shot, sunset reminds me of how I did with that shot. And the ocean, it just sits there reminding me how small I am and how small my problems are, and how damn fortunate I am to simply be playing the game.
I mentioned it had been 4,156 days since I left Florida. That number sounds big, but most of those days, most all days really, blur together if I am honest. What sticks are the ones where I actually showed up for them and made a difference. And try to make sure I have more of those days than not. That does not mean I was absent of sunrises. I watched a great many of them over Mt. Hood, and various places around Oregon. And I got to watch a great many sunsets over the pacific, but the lesson was never about where I was standing. It was about whether I was paying attention to how the day began and how I finished it.
I say all of that because I am excited to be heading to Florida next week for a 2 week break from all the things. I am so looking forward to some beach sunrises and St. John’s River sunsets. Some time to reflect on life, on where I am, on where I am going and what my next steps are. And to sit with the ocean again, while it gives me that same reminder, the days are mine to live, they are not mine to keep, and that being part of the rhythm of the universe is a blessing and as good as it gets.
I am fortunate to be able to travel to Florida to sit with my old friend the Atlantic, sharing space with each other and listening for what might come next for me, whether I am ready for those answers or not. And, of course I will get to hug the necks of friends I have missed for far too long.
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