A Week of Firsts, New and Old

It has been 7 days since Bride passed and I just need to type about it.  This is the first of what will most likely be a bunch of these related to my journey moving forward, without Bride.  I am hopeful to get to a point where I can share more about our 38 year journey together but that is not now, at least I don’t think.

The things that stands out in each of those days are the first old firsts and the first new firsts.  Everything seems to be a first, first time doing something without Bride.  It started when I got home from work last Tuesday when I immediately started CPR, with the 911 operator on the phone with me, never did that before.  EMT’s, Lincoln police and Lancaster Sherrif folks being in my house all at the same time, that was a new first.  Answering what seemed like an endless list of questions, some about her, some about me and a lot about what happened, never did that before.  Being checked out by EMT’s, temp, oxygen concentrations levels, blood pressure, something looking at my heart with little things stuck all over my chest and legs, new firsts.

Being comforted for my loss by two Lincoln police officers, Margaret and Jeff, no idea what their last names were but they spent what seemed like a few hours supporting me and I hugged them both when they left.  I was also comforted by a Sherrif’s office chaplain whose name was Julie.  I don’t remember much of what any of them said but I do remember them being present for me was very comforting.  I also remember Julie helping me make the first few very difficult phone calls I had to make.  She stayed with me, sitting on the back porch watching the sun go down until about 930pm.  I have watched thousands of sunsets, some with Bride some by myself or others but that day, the sunset felt very different, the first without Bride.  I am so glad that I instinctively snapped a few pictures of it, and my first thought when I did, to share them with Bride.  

One of the questions I was asked was about which funeral home I wanted to use, being new to Lincoln, I had no idea.  I learned they have an on-call rotation of funeral homes for situations exactly like this.  On that day it was Roper and Son’s, and I remember Logan asking me lots of questions and he too was very comforting.   When Sandy’s Mom died, I recall how she jumped into action to get those arrangements made, it was important to do and it was important to Sandy to do them, even after just losing her mother.  I had also watched Bride make lists for all sorts of things, so I picked up a pad and started a list of things to do.  To do my best to honor her courage at that moment I told Logan I would be by the very next afternoon to make the arrangements, we settled on 2pm.   

After Julie left, and I was all alone there was a knock on the door, my neighbor Jacob and his wife.  We know each other and are starting a friendship, which I find harder to do the older I get.  He did not say a word, just wrapped me up in a big ole bear hug and did not let go.  I cried and cried and he held on until I started to let go.  That human moment was exactly what I needed in that moment and I will be forever grateful he gave me that unexcepted and much needed gift.  We traded a few words, none of which I remember and they headed back next door.

I was sitting in the living room by myself and could not get the image of finding her out of my head.  Not sure how I thought to go find a bunch of my favorite pictures of Sandy, but I did.  I uploaded them to Walgreens to print out as 8x10’s, thinking I would pick them up in the morning, wrong, I got a text 7 minutes later that they were ready, so I ran up and got them, along with a bunch of frames.  I sat in the living room with those pictures of her scattered around the room.   I can no longer see the images of her when I found her, I can recall it happening, I can describe the event but I can’t see her that way anymore.  I don’t know if it was the pictures or my brain protecting me from the trauma of that event or both, I guess it does not matter because I can no longer see it, and that is a blessing from the universe.

There was a song back in the 90’s about going through hell, the chorus was “If you're goin' through hell keep on going.  Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it.  You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.”  That could have easily been Sandy’s mantra in life, I watched her keep moving forward through adversity a million times.  I decided to write down three steps I could take that would move me forward for each day, trying not to show how scared I am.  Before going to bed I decided on my three steps for the next day.  While I had called a few folks I made number one creating a list of people I wanted to call vs them hearing some other way, and I called several the next day so one step forward.  I picked folks up from the airport, check on step forward #2.  I started a list of institutions to notify, the bank, credit cards, her doctors and so on, check although that list has been added to every day since.  I decided I would do this every morning, pick the next three steps.

I did not sleep well at all and got up super early and sat on the front porch waiting for the sun to come up.  Like the night before, this one felt different, it was the dawning of a new day in so many different ways than all the others, another first.  The house seemed so large and so empty, I kept moving to different rooms to try to shake that feeling, another first.  This is when I realized, or maybe it was just acknowledging that I must be in shock.  I was unable to even understand what was happening, let alone begin to process all the feels and all the emotions that were flooding into my brain.  Each going 900 miles an hour, colliding with each other making me unable to function. 

My best friend in the world, Mark arrived at 10am from Rhode Island, we have been friends since the early 90’s and Bride loved him too.  By noon thirty Sandy’s best friend Kathy from Oregon arrived along with my Nephew Chad from Vancouver Washington.  Looking back now I am not even sure how any of them pulled that off so fast and I sure as hell am glad they did though as being alone that morning was difficult.

I also had someone to come with me to Roper and Son’s to sort through the details of the next steps.  Sandy has a big family in Texas, with at least 60 or 70 folks, 7 siblings, their kids, and then those kids kids.  Knowing that, I asked for the ashes to be split and put into two identical urns with one being shipped to her older sister Suzanne for a service that made sense would happen there, with so much family.  So, after all the details were sorted I came away with things that I needed to provide, music, pictures and a few other things, they went on the list.  I spent time calling folks, our actual and chosen families and those calls were so hard but I was determined to take three steps forward every day so I did not get stuck in hell. 

Those first few days were simply a blur, the only real things I remember from the second day was picking up my Sister Karen and a Brother from another Mother Scott from the airport, they had come in from Ohio and Florida.  I also remember feeling loved and supported more than anything else.   With all the calls I made I got advice and things to think about, they all went on the list of things.  One nugget I got from a few folks was to create a list of folks who want to come and time those out so you have a longer time before you have to be alone.  It is crazy to think about but that list has like 15 people on it.  Our dear friend Conny sent groceries to the house, she lives in Florida. 

Being surrounded by people we loved and that loved us was so very helpful.  I will forever be in their debt for just coming, without fanfare or question, just got a plane and came to support and comfort me in any way they could.  And they did, and I know they felt supported and loved by me and the others, some of whom had never met before.  There was crying and quiet contemplation of what the world would be like with Sandy in it.  There was also lots of laughter and telling of stories, so many shared experiences from everyone with my Honey.   

Intellectually I know that this was reinforcing my denial and putting off the inevitable.  And my emotional side did not care, this is what my gut is telling me to do.  So, I am, as I have for my whole life, trusted what my gut was telling me to do.  Right or wrong I am not going to deviate from the thing that has guided me my whole life, regardless what the experts say about dealing with grief.  This will be a journey that I am not in control of and I am an unwilling participant.  The ride cares little about any of that, it marches on, and accepting the path the universe has put me on has always been easier than trying to fight with universe, so here I am, on my new path, with no idea where I am headed.  I only know I am going to keep moving and that I will eventually get out of the hell I currently find myself.