An analog man living, and working, in a digital world that is OUT of control

So for those who know me, you know that I work in a technology based business, one that includes delivering content to users. It is an impossible task to keep up with the myriad new digital interface gadgets that arrive daily. That makes my job challenging at best and at worse possibly a fool errand. I find, that for my personal life, I am more and more NOT wanting to be connected, plugged in or whatever the latest term is. I am an analog man living in a digital hell and I ponder sometimes what is driving this mad dash to “be connected” via broadband or via 3 or 4g mobile networks. It all leaves me asking – WHY. Why do I need 18megabits of download speed from my cable internet provider? Why do I need a portable gadget that tethers me to work and the rest of the world? Why do we feel the need to have the, most often, superficial relationships via the social media thing? WHY, WHY and WHY? Let me make no bones, I have all these crazy things but I still have to ask, WHY?

I know and recognize the advantages of being connected, I really do. BUT, I am just not sure I want to be that connected. It forces us to deal with the “noise” of everyone else’s life all the time, where is the “me time”? I think it is important to have “me time”, that time we spend without being connected and just being at one with our thoughts, our dreams, our ambitions and all the rest of ourselves. Self evaluation is one of the most important life tools I have to keep myself grounded. I have a hard time keeping all that straight when I have a tweet here or an update there or a text here or even a call there. I know we hear a lot about multi-tasking, at work and in our personal lives. Well let me tell ya friends, it is bullshit, let me say that again, multi-tasking is BULLSHIT! There have even been studies using new and improved brain mapping technology that proves that our evolutionary capabilities have not caught up, two things max and each suffer when there are only two tasks trying to be done at the same time. When we start adding more and it all falls apart completely, a superficial attempt to trick ourselves into getting it all done.

I would rather do one thing at a time, and do it well than do 8 things poorly all at the same time. I have several hobbies, woodworking and jalopy fixing among others. Now trust me when I am running a stick of Bolivian Rosewood through the 5 hp table saw (that is enough to rip my body to shreds) the last thing I am going to want to care about is what in the hell someone’s happiness percentage is on FaceBook. That work requires a singular focus, not only for the safety concerns but to create master pieces in wood you have to be one with the lumber. That is a plain and simple fact. To truly be good at something there are some ingredients that must be present. First and foremost there is a love of the task, whatever it is – work or personal. Second there are some skills needed, usually developed over years of instruction and practice. Third is focus, focus while completing the tasks necessary to complete the work. We do not think about step 8 until we have completed step 7, not step 1. Think about it, are you worried about the paint job on the jalopy while you are rebuilding the motor, NOPE. You are, or should be, worried about the bearing clearances, torque specs and whether the proper lubricant are being used in the proper area. None of which has anything to do with paint.

I drive a 52 year car for many reasons but mostly because I can work on it, and do. I enjoy working on it, I like being on my back slid under working on whatever might need some attention. I do not give a damn who is on the phone if my hands are greasy and I am in the middle of getting the transmission cross member bolts back in without cross threading them. I am not sliding out to get that call, and if you let it ring through to voicemail and then, immediately call me AGAIN – give it up I ain’t even calling your ass back! I also like driving a 52 year old car because I see it as analogous to my life, an old jalopy with ZERO electronics (and zero interest in having any fancy gadgetry) living in a world where some cars can park themselves or keep themselves from flipping over. Cars that park themselves – really, we need that? WHY? A better question really is how much extra did that cost and how much will it cost to repair and why did your lazy ass not skip on that option and donate that money to a charity of your choosing. It is a car for petes sake.

I do not suppose I will ever make it but I have a life goal to never send a text message, I can not even find on my cellular gadget where to read them if you send them to me. Not because I CAN not figure it out, but because I DO not want to figure it out. I am computer savvy, I started repairing them in 1985 and I enjoy what they offer to me, I just will not allow them to take over my life. Our society has been slowly brainwashing us to believe that we must have the latest and greatest gadgets. I understand it and I know that Moore’s law is driving the bus, from hardware development to software development, all looking for the killer app. Do not get me wrong, I recognize the advantages we have now over 25 years ago but at some point we have to look at our selves and our lives and make the call. Addiction is a terrible thing, whether it be to drugs or alcohol or to the damn gadgets that have taken over our world. I saw a piece on the news the other day where they deprived college kids of their connections to the world and the results were catastrophic, they crumbled. That my friends, is SCARY.

So I ask that you put your gadgets away and turn off your computer and go out side and play and when you get tired find a big old tree and sit under and stare at the clouds and just think, quietly, about your life and the things that are truly important to you. I bet you find that your gadgets and your connections are not on the list.

Bacon chicken (alleged) sandwiches and cars that park themselves – WTF is going on it our world?

So there I am the other day watching the Boob Tube and I see a commercial for a sandwich from KFC that is a bacon sandwich that uses 2 chicken breasts instead of bread. What genius dreamed this damn thing up? We wonder why we (as a nation) are so fat well let me tell ya friends bacon sandwiches that use fried chicken breasts might just maybe have something to do with it. It is called the “Double Down Sandwich” and it is new. I just can not get my head around this sandwich, I guess people didn’t like the taste of the “unfried side of KFC” or maybe the folks who are trying to eat healthy are NOT at any of the chain food shops.  Seriously, look at this damn thing!

Come on though, who really dreamed this freaking thing up? No offense but I bet it was a big assed fat guy who eats these little gems like a normal person might eat White Castles. You have to agree that this the most insane “sandwich” you have ever seen and I use the word Sandwich very loosely. In my world a sandwich contains something in the middle, bacon and chicken perhaps and that is surrounded by bread. A fried chicken patty, 2 slices of cheese, 2 slices of bacon, and another fried chicken patty does not a sandwich make. My mind is boggled, I am perplexed and do not understand at all, this Double Down Sandwich. The funniest part, to me anyway, is that I could find this sandwich as part of the “Unthink KFC” menu, which was previously understood to be for the somewhat healthier - grilled chicken meals.

I also read where nutritionists are horrified, dare they say it, Horrified, by the launch of the fat bomb in a country where two-thirds of the population is overweight or obese. KFC insists that the sandwich contains, get this, only 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium for the fried version. The grilled version is A LOT better at 460 calories, 23 grams of fat and 1,430 milligrams of sodium. That is more fat and sodium than I consume in a normal day and suspect I may immediately go into anaphylactic shock just by opening the container that this oddity comes in. I truly did not believe my eyes when I saw the commercial, I thought for sure I was watching a spoof of something else, nope this freaking thing is for real.

KFC my ass! I remember when they changed the name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC, in what I thought was an attempt to steer away from so openly presenting fried chicken. There must be new management at corporate in what used to be the Colonel’s chicken place. There is NO WAY IN HELL that a sandwich like this would have made the menu when Harlan Sanders was alive. Funny inside story that is kind of related. My Mom used to work for a company that did testing of food products and the fast food places were amongst their biggest customers. Within a week of Mr. Sanders dying KFC, as it is now called, stopped all testing that was performed at the company where my Mom worked, sighting cost as the main factor in stopping the testing. That was the last time I have ever eaten at a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop and now with this asinine fat bomb on the menu it has reaffirmed that decision I made all those years ago. And that is all I have to say about that!

And again, here I was watching the Boob Tube and saw yet another commercial for something else I just can not get my head around. A car that will parallel park, all by itself! I need to turn that damn thing off and pretend to live in a cave because I think I would be better off not knowing what our world has come to and how it is shown to us on TV. Has it come to the point we are so freaking fat from the crazy assed food we eat that we can not crane our necks around to park our cars? This falls into the category of just because we CAN do a thing (have a car park itself) it does not mean that we have to do that thing. Evidently Parallel parking is such an ordeal for so many drivers that we are UNABLE to get into a parking space cities we live, we are forced, forced mind ya to squeeze our cars into tiny spaces, they say it is a vital skill. Evidently not for us, hell we will program our car to do it for our lazy asses!

I read that Automakers are starting to market self-parking cars because they sense a consumer demand. They say that parallel parking is often the most feared part of the driver's test, and it's something almost everyone has to do at some point. Folks who live in the cities may have to do it every day and they feel that to remove the difficulty, stress and uncertainty of this chore is very appealing to consumers. Studies have shown that self-parking cars can also help to solve some of the parking and traffic problems in dense urban areas. They say that parking a car in a space is restricted by the driver's skill at parallel parking, makes me say…… hummmm wasn’t it Darwin who said something about survival of fittest? Don’t know how to park, drive around the block and look for an easy place to park. Evidently a self-parking car can fit into smaller spaces than most drivers can manage on their own. Hummm does that maybe say something about the gas guzzling leviathans we tool around in, if you can not park it you should not own it – maybe, right?

While the self parking cares available today are not completely autonomous they will be soon, trust me. Just what we need, no more back seat drivers but a car that will just take over operations when it thinks you are beyond your capabilities – GREAT. This is another reason I drive a 50+ year old jalopy, nothing going to take control of that car, except me. Being a gadget head I know there has to be some sensors on these cars to allow them to perform this modern miracle. Also being a gadget head I know that sensors go bad, not always in a way that they quit completely. What happens when your car is parking and a sensor fails and it stomps the gas because it thinks, for whatever reason, that you have plenty of room and you smash headlong into the Ferrari sitting in front of you? I am not sure what technologies this self parking car uses but I assume there is more than one magic trick in play here. I would imagine there is come optical recognition coupled with range finding lasers or some other means but think about that, this is your car not your PC. If you computer crashes you may loose an important email or document you have been working on. If the computer on your car crashes what happens to the woman pushing her stroller through the same spot your car is trying to park in? What then?

I want to bypass this simpleton crap about cars parking themselves and move directly, without passing go and without collecting 200 dollars, to George Freaking Jetson’s car. Hell the cars they were flying around in carried old George, his wife Jane and that damn geek Elroy and slut Judy as well as that crazy dog Astro around in unimaginable safety. That is the car I want damn it, and I do not want to go through the evolutionary process to get there – someone please make me THAT damn car now!  Look at this thing, parking itself goes without saying! 

Well that is all I have to say about that as well. Come on folks, what has happened to us as a country that we can be eating a fat bomb sandwich, with both hands, while our freaking car parks itself?

On the Radio again

So I was on the radio again yesterday, I am not sure why that makes me so nervous I was talking about my Parks project again. Melissa Ross, the host of First Coast Connect has had me on twice to talk about my quest to visit all the parks in the Jacksonville, which is the largest urban park system in the country. I have no idea why being on the radio makes me nervous, I work in radio and television. I was so nervous in fact I almost welcomed her and evidently I have Sisters, I actually only have one. I am a behind the scenes guy though and am not normally, what we call “talent”, they are very talented those "on air" folks.

The park thing is going well, I am REALLY enjoying it so far.

Here are my 3 minutes of fame

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My 1958 jalopy needs some work!

I have a 52 year old car, I was driving it every day it was not broken, until recently. When a car reaches that age there are parts that are just flat worn out. There are parts that in the normal life of a car just do not normally need replaced, unless you keep it going for 52 years. Recently I decided it was time to do some updating to the old jalopy. The steering was a little loose and when I go around the corners the car leans a bit, the tires do not track tightly and the four wheel drum brakes are nothing but problematic. It was time for some serious updating work. Where to start was the first question and the secondly, and more importantly, where to stop. When the car is 52 years old a person could keep going until he was broke and with more invested in the car than it is worth, I did not want to wind up there.

I love my old jalopy for many reasons, one of which is that it has no payments. With no payment plan, it affords one the opportunity to equate repair funds to the number of car payments it might be if I bought a new car. If I could get all the parts for less than 6 months of car payments I figured it was worth it. I have not had a car payment for a long time so I based it on what my last car payment was, about 500 bucks a month. That gave me a budget of three grand to get this work completed, luckily I can perform the work myself, at least most of it so I am hopeful I can stay on budget. Back to where to start, a tougher question than I thought and it made me realize I needed to know where I wanted to go before I could answer it.

First order of business was to run through the rear suspension and start replacing worn items. It did not take long to see that most all the parts there were in need of some updating and replacement. Front and rear leaf spring bushings and the anti-squeak buttons. There were the shocks and shackles, there were the wheel cylinders and U bolt washers. I also had to completely rebuild the rear brakes, new wheel cylinders, new brakes shoes, new springs and new emergency brakes cables. I was amazed how much dirt, grease and other debris builds up over the years. I laid down plastic sheeting on the garage floor to catch all that mess instead of then having to clean up the garage floor. I will be using the same technique when I get to the front suspension and steering components.

Next, I knew I wanted to install disc brakes to improve the stopping capabilities, simple sounding enough right – WRONG! Disc brakes will not fit inside of a 14” rim, like the ones installed on this jalopy from the factory. I would need to change the rims from the stock 14” to at least 15”. This turned out to be a MUCH bigger deal than I had anticipated. It would have been easy except for one thing, I wanted to keep my original ’58 hubcaps. I could have easily just spent some money and gotten a nice set of rims, pimp Daddy it right up – I did not want that. So, how to get 52 year old 14 inch hubcaps to fit on a 2010 15 inch rim? I pondered this question quite a bit and finally with the assistance of Bride came up with an idea that would float the hubcap in the center of the rim and then powder coat what is visible the same color as the red on the car. It was her idea but I am attempting to take credit. Sounds easy right – wrong again. It was going to require some fabrication work and I am a woodworker by hobby so I do not have a fully equipped metal fabrication shop in my garage. After talking to several fabricators I was getting nowhere, no one wanted to do it. I think it was mainly because I stressed the importance of the wheel being balanced when they were done.

I was on my way to visit a park on the west side and passed a place called Edwards Ornamental Iron and thought, why not stop and ask. It was there I met with Mike and this was not a job he was going to shy away from. To the contrary, he made suggestions that were better than my (Bride’s) original ideas. Finally, we agreed on materials, costs and timelines and I dropped off 4 brand new steel rims I had purchased from Jeg’s Performance Auto Parts up in Ohio. A few days later, he called and said they are ready to go. I stopped by on my lunch hour to pick them up and they were perfect. The fabrication work was smooth and clean and the job was perfect. I was somewhat concerned with the balance but he explained they made a jig to ensure the hubcap ring was exactly centered. Later, I had tires mounted and they were perfectly balanced. No matter the project, you ought to give Edwards Ornamental Iron a chance to look at it, (904) 354-4282 and ask for Mike

So once I had the metal work completed I needed to get them painted or powder coated to match the red on the jalopy. I found East Coast Powder Coating, off Beach blvd. He was apprehensive about what I wanted to do. I only wanted the area that would be seen powder coated, I was trying to save a dime. They went on to explain to me that they normally prefer to powder coat the whole rim. Finally I was able to convince him that only the lip needed to be coated and the job turned out fantastic. If you ever have the choice to paint something using traditional methods or have it powder coated – have it powder coated and use East Coast Powder Coating, (904) 645-5476.

The rims now completed I needed some rubber on them. The rims I selected were 15” instead of the 14” in height that came on the car and they were quite a bit wider as well. From a bit over 4 inches wide to a full 8” for the rears and 7” on the front. That small change alone was going to dramatically change to stance of the jalopy as well as greatly improve the handling characteristics. I decided on Cooper Cobra’s and I used Arlington Tire. I have used them for years and recommend them to anyone, (904) 743-6294 and ask for Dave. We worked through several sizes before I settled on 245/60-15’s for back and 215/70-15’s for the front, I am still thinking about those front ones though. Before I could change the rims on the rear I had to rebuild the rear brakes from the ground up, all new bits. With that work complete, I purchased the rear tires and installed them and they look GREAT, in my humble opinion.

I have ordered the first round of bits for the front end, I should say the first 682 bucks worth. It was funny, the box those parts came in was about 5 inches by 5 inches and about 15 inches long, not sure why but I was thinking the box of parts would be bigger for nearly 700 bucks. That gets me most of the parts, still need springs, sway bars and the disc brake conversion kit and probably a couple of more little bits. As I started to examine the front end and read the original Ford shop manual I realize that there is 52 years of grease, dirt and God only knows what else coating those parts. I will probably need to invest in a company that manufactures degreaser because I think I am going to need a lot of that product. Most of my friends and even Bride wonder why I am doing all this and not just buying something that is new and that does not require so much work. To all the critics I say this, I love doing the work, I love driving the car and I love not having car payments so there ya go. This story is going to continue but here are before and after pictures of the rear rims and tires.

Three dimensional television – really? Why do we need 3D TV?

What is it with the rush to adopt 8.65 billion new technologies every year? I work in television and believe me there has been a TON of talk about 3D television, in the trade magazines, at the National Association of Broadcasters show, I mean everywhere. It seems that somehow just simple High Definition television is no longer good enough. HD television is just hitting stride, most programming is now produced in HD and delivered in HD with 5.1 surround sound right to the viewers in their homes. That is a hell of a technological accomplishment all by itself and now we are on to the next best thing – 3D TV. Somehow HD has becomes blasé, as common as USB thumb drives over 10gig and camera phones with 900 billion pixels, like most folks even know what that really means. That seems to be the gist of the message and from a technical perspective 3D is compelling, no doubt about it.

The migration of television to the new formats has somehow brought with it the same sort of expectations of fluidity that all silicon-based industries now have to bear the weight of. I understand that nothing remains the same, that understanding is a tenant that I base my life on, but the obsolescence curves have reached ridiculous levels. I read that TrueCycle recycling says that the average lifespan of a computer in 1997 was 4 to 6 years. Now that time frame is said to be less than two years. It reminds me of that commercial where the guy is driving home with his new computer and he sees that they are putting up a new billboard with the next newer model, that is becoming more and more a reality in our world. Now it seems that the television world has morphed into much the same platform and business model. That is good in that the prices will continue to drop, TV’s are half what they were 2 years ago and the biggest and badest will always be in the top tier, cost wise, just like with computers.

There are the pontificators who swear that 3D TV will take hold quicker than HDTV. They go on about the business model, the 3D format itself will be a multi-billion business within two years time, etc, etc blah, blah, blah. There is an awful lot predicting going on but the early attempts at 3D sports has really left those who saw it with mixed reactions. The common theme was “Some of it was really tough on the eyes.” Some companies are hawking glasses-free 3DTV sets, it depends on the format as to whether they will work, why you might ask? Because there are no industry standards established as of yet. To deploy a technology across the country that will include manufactures, broadcasters, producers and the myriad folks who would have to be involved takes a set of standards. (remember the Bluray and HD-DVD battle?) Those governing most of what we do as broadcasters come from SMPTE (Society of Motion Picture and Television Engineers). Will it be the parallax-barrier technology that wins, that is essentially an overlay or a coating on the screen, to split the image so that it appears to be 3D within a very limited viewing area. Or will it be one of the other methods? Who knows and who wants to invest until we know for sure?

To be fair, over the last year or so there has been a lot that has happened, but there are miles to left to go. In Cowboy Stadium, on Dec. 13 a 3D version of the action on the field was displayed on the venue’s 160-by-72-foot video screen, a good test right – YEP but the results may not have been what was expected. Pupils are a fixed distance apart, and vision converges at around 60 feet, where we naturally see two dimensions. The big-screen 3D effect caused people’s eyes to veer out of alignment. With home 3DTV, this so-called “vergence” occurs at around two feet behind the viewing screen, giving large venues an on-screen appearance of a diorama. This problem is so pronounced that Samsung’s Australian office has issued a warning about the health risks of watching 3DTV. They are taking it very seriously and the dangers must be real for a TV maker to come out with comments such as those. The warning explains that fluorescent lights may cause flicker in conjunction with the active-shutter glasses necessary for viewing 3D television. It recommends turning off “all fluorescent lighting and blocking sources of direct sunlight before watching in 3D mode.”

The advisory goes on to warn that “some viewers may experience an epileptic seizure or stroke when exposed to certain flashing images or lights contained in certain television pictures or video games.” It further advises that if individuals or their family members have a medical history that includes epilepsy or a stroke, they should consult a medical specialist before attempting to try out 3D television. “Viewing in 3D mode may also cause motion sickness, perceptual after effects, disorientation, eye strain and decreased postural stability,” the warning continues. “It is recommended that users take frequent breaks to lessen the likelihood of these effects. If you have any of the above symptoms, immediately discontinue use of this device and do not resume until the symptoms have subsided.” WHAT, decreased postural stability!!!! I do not want a TV that causes me any of those problems, hell that sounds like the disclaimer you hear after a prescription medication commercial. Come on folks, there is nothing on the tube worth enduring any one of those maladies, let alone the whole list.

3DTV is exciting, as much for the technical challenges as for the format itself, which being in the technical side of the business is extremely interesting to me (yes I am a technogeek at heart). But, for me, I do not see it replacing HDTV any time soon. When you consider that half of the TV-equipped households in the country have standard-definition TVs anyway. Yep, some folks have not tasted the cool aid and felt the overwhelming urge to go out and buy a HDTV set – for whatever reasons. Another significant portion of those folks have converters or a pay service hooked up to a cathode-ray tube, it is just the boob tube I mean seriously. It seems to me that the press, under the direction of marketing monsters, will continue to hype 3DTV, as if we were talking about the adoption of cold fusion as a primary power source for the whole planet. I suspect, as with all new technologies it will quickly work its way from novelty to necessity and most likely that will happen at nearly the speed of light and will be available soon on whatever the latest gadget Apple is hocking at that particular moment.

I also wanted to talk about what might be next as well, if we are now contemplating 3D television what about implementing 3D in other parts of our lives, for example – cell phones, point and shoot cameras, toe nail clippers, coffee pots and even letters from our creditors. Why has no one thought about 5D electricity, right into our homes at a blazing 400meg download speed. What about a 500” LCD display that has 18.9 billion colors that it uses to reassemble the picture, how damn cool would that be? What about a 3D visioning system that can park our cars for us, oh wait we already have that so nevermind that one. I would like to wear 3D glasses all the time and think everything we see should be in 3D. I mean aside the stylish and fashionable look imagine how EVERYTHING in the world would look in 3D with 23.9 surround sound, mainly because 5.1 surround is so passé right?

3D television my ass!

How to simulate a six month cruise at home - from back in the day when I was in the US Navy

How to simulate a six month cruise at home

By ET2 Duane Smith

1. When commencing this simulation, remember to lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks and thrown away one of every five.

2. Surround yourself with 400 people you do not like. People who chain smoke, fluctuate loudly and fragrantly, often snore like a Mack truck going uphill and use foul language like a kid uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TV’s from receiving signals other then from your VCR to cut yourself off completely from the outside world, but have a neighbor bring you a time or Newsweek from 2 month’s ago and a Playboy with all the pictures torn out.

4. Every morning write yourself a POD (plan of the day) for the next day. Outline all events that will happen and all the things you have to do (account for all 24 hours). Then ignore it.

5. Wake up at 6am every morning and eat breakfast at 7:45 read the plan of the day to yourself.

6. Call the electric and water companies and have them randomly cut your water and electricity off for approximately 4-5 hours a day three times a week.

7. Have all your friends call you at all hours of the day and night asking stupid questions that have absolutely no relevancy to anything.

8. Drink only bug juice, to simulate bug juice, buy four one-quart packages of cool-aid, make them with one quart of water and 8 cups of sugar.

9. Ask all your neighbors to send over all five to seven year old children to boss you around all day, this will simulate the officers. (Same mentality)

10. Monitor all appliances hourly, recording all the vital information, (i.e., is it plugged in, does the light come on when the door is opened etc, etc) if any appliance is not operating correctly, cover the unit tags that say, “DANGER DO NOT OPERATE”.

11. Do not flush the toilet for 5 days to simulate 40 nasty people using the same toilet, afterwards flush only once a day.

12. Lock the bathroom door twice a day for a 4-hour cleaning period.

13. Have week old fruits and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait 2 weeks before eating.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded, using all the spices you can grab or none at all. This will simulate shipboard food; eat it all as fast as humanly possible.

15. Install a device that shuts off the AC in the middle of the night, as soon as you start sweating and uncover have it come back on.

16. Wash all dishes with no soap and on the economy cycle, leaving large chunks of the last meal to be savored later.

17. Have your neighbors send you tapes of your favorite shows, insure they only tape half of the show and never the part one of a “to be continued”.

18. Place a magnet, hanging from the ceiling, beside your television to remove all the color from the picture and to make to images move around while you are watching.

19. To simulate a refueling at sea go to the local gas station and volunteer to pump gas for 3-5 hours daily, always stretching the hose as far as it will reach, spilling gas all over yourself.

20. Wear only military uniforms, even though no one cares. Clean and press a dress uniform and wear it for twenty minutes, after which you can change back into the uniform of the day.

21. Cut your hair weekly making it shorter every week until you are bald or look like you tangled with a weed eater on crack.

22. Work in 18-hour cycles, sleeping for only 4 hours at a time to ensure your body no longer cares if it is night or day.

23. Call the grocery store and have them deliver forty pallets of flour, sugar and rice. Unload all of this manually and store it in an extremely small place such as a bathroom or closet.

24. Repaint your house inside an out at least once a month, whether it needs it or not. Use old paint that was discarded by the supplier.

25. Ensure the hot water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a rate varying between 0-25 PSI and the temperature should vary between 32 and 320 degrees.

26. When eating with a spoon, make sure it is the kind that will hold as least a ½ a cup.

27. Remember, the lowest bidder built everything you own and work on.

28. Cut a very thin mattress in half, making it only 22 inches wide, enclose three side with sheet metal and add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (ten inches is good). Place this whole contraption about 4 feet off the floor, place a dead animal under the bed to simulate your bunkmates body odor and funky feet smell. Attach a set of keys to a string hooked to the ceiling fan to slap against the side all night long.

29. Make up a qualification for all things in your house, including how to flush the toilet. Now compile a list of people who can qualify you in each area, ensure that those people are dead or hate you.

30. Invite 40 people over to watch your favorite 2 month old ½ a show and let them sit on the furniture while you take up a seat on the floor only to have them change the channel immediately.

31. Ensure the movies your friends send you are all old John Wayne movies with tracking problems, watch these twice a night.

32. Have the grocery store deliver 2 pallets of single serving boxes of stale bran flakes, to be eaten only with semi fresh powdered milk or cottage cheese.

33. Every evening at 20 hundred, no matter what you are doing, stop and place an Oral Roberts tape in the VCR and watch for about 5 minutes. After this is over resume normal activities.

34. Set your alarm clock to go off at 5-minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate various times the watch standers and night crews bump around and wake you up. Be sure to set you bed up on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Alternately use a custom clock that simulates fire alarms, whistle blasts and flushing toilets.

35. Periodically shut off the power at the main fuse box and run around shouting, “fire in the main space”, do this until you lose your voice and then restore power.

36. At least once a week force the toilet to overflow on the bathroom floor. This will simulate a shipboard toilet backup. (The equivalent of back flushing the entire city sewage system into your home.

37. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint all furnishing and walls gray, white or the shade of pea green used on hospital smocks.

38. Study the owner’s manuals for all house hold appliances, at regular intervals take each one apart and put it back together again for no reason at all.

39. Buy a gas mask, smear it with rancid animal fat and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can no longer see. Wear this two hours every 5th day, even to the bathroom.

40. Purchase 50 cases of rolled cardboard (fake toilet paper) lock up all but two rolls, making sure one is always wet

41. Every two days, smash yourself in the forehead and the shins with a hammer to simulate collision injuries sustained on Naval vessels

42. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out about 5 days or until it is hard and stale, whichever comes first.

43. Every 10 weeks simulate liberty in a foreign country. Go outside, go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Then go into the worse looking place you can find and ask the bartender for the most expensive imported beer he has. Drink as many of these as you can in four hours. Hire a cab to take you home using the longest possible route he can find. Tip the driver after he charges you double rate because you dress funny and don’t speak right.

44. Use semi fresh milk for only the first week, after a simulated liberty port

45. Keep the bedroom thermostat set at 39 degrees F and use only one wool blanket and no sheets

46. Take all of your belongings and stuff them into two little lockers (similar to, but smaller than, bus station lockers.

47. Place a device on your shower head that puts so much chlorine into the water that your eyes sting for hours after your 2 minute Navy shower

48. Buy a computer at an outrageous price, but do not use it. This is for the officers (the 5-7 year old kids)

49. Hook up an air compressor to ten whistles throughout your house and blow them for 25 seconds every 10 minutes – 24 hours a day

50. Have a neighbor shoot at your house with a high powered rifle at least twice a week, this will simulate an attack and general quarters, at which time you will practice closing all the curtains, doors and securing the power 

51. If you happen to get sick call your mother in law, the one who hates you. She knows all about medicine (including setting broken bones and fixing teeth) and have her come take care of you.

52. At least four times a week you will get no sleep because you will be on watch. This involves sitting around doing nothing except you can’t sleep, read or eat for eight hours at a time. This will be done with extremely uncomfortable headphones which weigh 13.34 pounds.

53. Tear all the carpet out of your house. Now tack down 50 grit sandpaper everywhere, this will simulate our non-skid decks.

54. If you are a smoker and want a cigarette, first buy a walk in refrigerator and install it in a friends house, at least three miles away from your house. Next walk over to that house and walk into the fridge and smoke one cigarette, repeat at needed.

55. After thoroughly cleaning your house for 3.5 hours a day, invite the officers to come over and tell you how filthy it is, do this every day except Sunday.

56. If a prepared meal by chance does turn out to be tasteful, never allow yourself more than one small portion, three ounces and toss the remaining portions in the trash.

57. Once a month, issue medals to the officers for all that you have accomplished.

58. To simulate chief petty officers, have the neighbors send the oldest, fattest living relatives to come over and talk about the way things were done at their last house.

60. Drink at least 5 gallons of coffee a day to ensure a maximum state of alertness while on watch. The temperature of the coffee should be no less than 1987.45 degrees and no warmer than the temperature on the surface of the sun. this coffee must be allowed to ferment for no less than eight hours, proper planning is in order.

61. Store all trash in the dining room for a minimum of three weeks before throwing it into your back yard, ensure you separate food contaminated plastics from regular trash

62. Wash your clothes in the cheapest detergent you can find (usually comes in 800 gallon barrels for two bucks) this will simulate shipboard laundry by making all your whites pale and yellow and shrinking everything else by three sizes

If by chance you want to quit – TOUGH, you have 5 months and 29 days left!

This is written to help you, the family member or friend, understand the joys of an extended period at sea and give you a chance to give it a try.

Good luck and happy sailing.

Have you seen that movie, Where the Wild Things are yet?

That was my absolute favorite book when I was a kid, I made my Mom read that too me every night for what I seem was years. I loved it! This book, by Maurice Sendak became a classic long ago. It was the winner of the 1964 Caldecott Medal as the "Most Distinguished Picture Book of the Year," it was first published by HarperCollins in 1963. When the book was written, the theme of dealing with dark emotions was rare in children's literature, especially in picture book format for young children. For some reason I do not remember the book being dark or dealing with dark emotions, I remember it being about a great adventure story about redirecting anger to better pursuits. Some things I was desperately in need of as a young kid, as my Sister if you don’t believe me. It has been over 40 years and that book is still popular, why I ask.

I do not think it is the impact it had on the field of children’s literature but had more to do with the impact of the story and the illustrations on kids. The book was based on the consequences of one little boy's mischievousness and that was, and in some ways still is, ME. It all starts with Max dressing up in his wolf suit doing all kinds of things he shouldn't be doing. He is chasing the dog with a fork when his Mom scolds him and calls him a "WILD THING!" Max, in turn, gets so mad he shouts back, "I’ll eat you up!" This little outburst results in him being sent to his bedroom without any supper. I have been there, done that and wore out that damn tee shirt. I was a horrible kid and maybe I liked this book because it was the story of my life. No Dad present in Max’s life, no Dad present in my life. Max was a hellion who did whatever he wanted to do whenever he want to do it, hummmmm, that has a familiar ring to it. Well, once in his bedroom his imagination runs amok. He is able to transform his bedroom into an extraordinary place, with a forest and an ocean and a little boat. A boat he takes to a land full of Wild Things, just like him.

All of these monsters look and sound very fierce, but Max is able to tame them with a single glance. Even the monsters realize that Max is the most wild thing of all and when they do they make him their king. Max and the wild things have a great time creating a rumpus until Max wants to be where someone loves him. That days fantasy ends when he smells his dinner. Despite the wild things' protests, Max sails back to his own room where he finds his supper waiting for him. This part of the story is telling for me, Max is in conflict, conflict with his mother AND with his own anger. HE is still angry when he is sent to his room but he does not continue getting into mischievousness, instead he gives free rein to his anger through fantasy. He is then able to come to the decision that he will no longer let his anger separate him from the people he loves and that love him. Young Max is engaging character, his actions, from chasing the dog to talking back to his mother are very realistic and very similar to my childhood, poor Timmy the dog – sorry Karen. His and my emotions at that time are also very realistic. It seems it would have to be common for kids to get angry and fantasize about what they could do if they ruled the world and then calm down and consider the consequences. This character is someone that most kids can readily identify with.

I think this book is a GREAT lesson in the power of imagination, it can take you anywhere and it becomes even more important in adult life as well, at least in my opinion. Even though it may seem cloaked initially, there are strong themes of unconditional parental love – Max’s Mom never stopped loving him, no matter how bad a hellion he was. I feel Max was a great model of a boy being able to draw on his imagination. I still to this day think this is a fantastic trait to have, it allows us to just be by ourselves and be happy. We also learns some lessons as well, when he misbehaves around the house and is sent to his room without any supper he in turn sends the wild things to bed without their supper. It could be said that perhaps his behavior toward the monsters meant he understood why he was being punished, making it a touching gesture when his dinner is waiting for him in his room. There was a reason the book won the Caldecott Medal, the writer’s giant monster characters are iconic. While they are described as scary in the book, their faces and lumbering frames make them appear almost jovial. As you read along you can almost imagine the room shaking when you watch them playing (wild rumpusing) in the forest. Max and his new friends dance and play through some of the most whimsical, enchanting, and unique artwork in children's literature.

I can relate my ability to deal with the anger of my youth, and adulthood to some degree, to learning from Max and maybe my Mom learned a thing or two as well in how to deal with me. What an empowering, psychologically accurate parable about a child learning that his anger, while sometimes overwhelming and scary, can be safely expressed and eventually conquered. In a world where yelling and meanness and hooliganism is the norm, maybe, just maybe where the Where the Wild Things Are should be required reading for all adults. The message we should all take away from this book is, unconditional parental love is reassuring to kids and a perfect ending to a story does not hurt either. Even if the story does not have a perfect ending, one can learn to imagine a perfect ending. If one is unable to imagine the perfect ending to the story of our lives, how then are we to get to that perfect ending? The book is, in my opinion a subtle masterpiece, a masterpiece of story, writing, and art that will have kids asking for repeated readings, I sure did. The colorful language and a world of imagination make this wild adventure a fun learning experience about how to get through the days.

Well that brings me to the movie, WOW! The movie was WAY different than I remember the book to be. I am 45 and some of those characters scared me, not like the lovable characters that were illustrated in the book. When I first heard Carol, voiced by James Gandolfini, all I could think of was Tony Soprano strangling that guy in a Christmas tree lot while traveling with his daughter to visit some college. That was not what I wanted to see when I looked at the lovable Wild Things. There were a lot of great voices in the movie, Bride and I always try to guess the voices in cartoon movies or movies where you can not see the people and we did pretty good on this one. I thought the movie missed the point though – it was way more scary than I think the book was intended to be. If I had kids I would read the book to them but I do not think I would let them watch the movie. The two were NOT the same. I am not sure what kind of ratings the movie got but for me it was a dud, not worthy. I can’t imagine taking a 40 some odd page book and turning it into a full length feature movie – not enough material to stay true to the original story. But for me that is the point of it, the story of the book is fantastically concise and tells such a great story, with both words and pictures.

Love the book, did not like the movie, what did you think?